3 Thoughts on a Friday

Happy Friday everyone!!
And what a happy day it is...

1. SUPERBOWL SUNDAY is only two days away and I cannot wait to watch the Steelers dominate the Cardinals. It's going to be an amazing game and granted we do win, I've already got some ideas for a new essay about Pittsburgh. Oh, and I'll be traveling there. :) I made a bet with the boy, actually, it was his idea because he's just bound and determined Pittsburgh is going to lose. So if by some off turn of the universe they do, I have to hang some stupid Red Wings poster in my apartment for all of eternity. But when the Steelers win on Sunday, he has to take me to Pittsburgh, dinner as some fancy restaurant there, and on a tour of Hines field, and Mellon arena. Pretty big stakes for him, I can't wait.

2. It snowed like crazy here this week, totaling about 9 inches on Wednesday. Campus closed down for the morning and evening, too bad my only class was in the afternoon!!! I really haven't had much time to play in it, but I've thrown a few snowballs. And fallen. I slipped yesterday and fell down about seven stairs. I was ok until I woke up this morning with a really stiff and sore back. Such a klutz.

3. I'm slowing finding my gray. I look at life as so black and white sometimes, that I think I set myself up for misery and failure. I guess, sometimes it's just easier to feel miserable, but I don't understand why I grasp so hard on my sad days because all I really want is happiness. And I deserve happiness, we all do. I've be looking over my writing in my journals (the things I don't post on here) and I've noticed a trend. I've been writing about my happiness. I've had many more happy days than sad, yet, I don't allow myself to be happy all the time. It's like I find reason to be sad. With that said, it's over now. It's time for happiness.

Enjoy your weekend everyone! Root for the Steelers!!

Toubled soul don't lose your way...

I woke up with a very heavy feeling this morning, very discouraged. It seems to be the time of the year where sadness and depression hits everyone, but then again, I've had a lot of discouraging days these past six months. But I've also had a lot of good days, days full of hope. God kind of knocked me upside the head this morning with this verse. I sat down to drink my coffee and spend time with him, and when I opened to my devotional, this verse was the first thing I read: Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!
-Psalm 43:5

Some days, it seems like I can barely get myself out of bed. My eyelids are so heavy and I don't want to face the world. Those are usually the days where I end up with a hurting heart and tears for the past. Things I don't want to think about anymore. Things which I've let go of, but not completely healed from. Then again, pain takes a long while to get past. And the thing is, I know my pain is nothing compared to others that hurt. I look into the eyes of people I know, of people I don't know... I read stories in the paper, see things on the tv, and I see pain in their eyes. And I know this isn't the last time I will hurt either. The truth is, this is the kind of world we live in. One with pain and suffering and depression and burdens.

When I think about the hurt we all harbor, it's hard not to let it consume me. In the Bible is calls us to carry one another's burdens, and my mother tells me I take that too truthfully sometimes. I feel like I was born with this giant heart that keeps growing as I age. I want to take the hurt from people I see, or at least share with them the one thing that can sooth that hurt, if even for a moment. Hope in Him.

I've had a new song on my mind for the past weeks, "There will be a Day" by Jeremy Camp, and it never fails that my heart breaks every time I hear this song. I long so badly to live that day where there will be no more pain and no more tears, but I also know that each time I wake up to a new day, He has a purpose for me. So no matter how heavy my eyelids or my heart, I take that step out of bed hoping that it will be a new day. I know some days will be harder than others, some are going to hurt much more, and that it will take time. But that step brings a chance at purpose, a chance at life, a chance for my hope to keep pushing me forward so someone else may see. I may only be one person in this gigantic world, but it only takes a little bit of hope to soften the view of pain.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!
-Psalm 43:5

The Psalms are quickly, truly, becoming my favorite book of the Bible.

Healing Verse

I often found myself submersing my thoughts in poetry over the last half of 2008. I've always been fond of poetry and enjoyed reading it... trying dabbling in it myself, but it always seemed my own verse was so, for better terms, lame. For every ten poems only one has had a good amount of depth, and even then that one poem needs so much revision.
The more I read verse though, the more I find in it, and the more poems I come to love. My best friend sent me this one a few days ago... she said she has had the words weaving in and out of her mind for awhile now. This is the only version of it, and just the first draft. She wrote it about me and everything I went through. I never really looked at my situations in terms of this before, but I am absolutely crazy about this metaphor now. The second poem is one I wrote in response, kind of like a companion poem. Just my immediate thoughts, a very rough draft, but something I want to work on.


Phoenix
-V.T

The end.
And then slowly and full of grace
she rose from the
debris
of her former life.
We held our collective breath
and watched in hopeful fascination.
Silent tears fell
drawing rivers in the ash
on her face.
But on she moved gaining speed
and confidence.
The wind cleansing her body of the
gray,
revealing colors we could never imagine.
She stretched her wings
feeling parts of herself awaken from
their induced slumber.
We see the spark in her eyes return.
Soon she is in flight.
The epitome of resilience, she
soars
across the sky.
My phoenix has returned.


Beneath the Ashes

Troubled soul don’t lose
your way
Let your wings carve
into the sky.

Upon which direction you will
soar, let the wind
take you there.

He wrote you to say the destination has changed.
But when it is over, the rest of life has begun.

I cannot fathom what it will be like,
my path is lost, my wings cannot beat.

But the colors shine through the slips of the feathers.

The turquoise and the yellow
that cover the scarlet, painting, layering,
masking the ashen feathers that fall
so swiftly away.

It is in the quick burst of flames that all former ceases to exist.
And the new flight has begun.

5 Thoughts on a Friday

Well, I'm going to try my usual Friday posts again.... I like the constant idea of these posts and sort of summing up my week/looking ahead to the weekend. So bare with me, I might have several this morning.

1. I have decided that it is way too early to be up and functioning already. I have an 8 o'clock class two days a week and the other three days I head to work because it's about the only time I can get hours at the office. Ask me about a year ago and I wouldn't have minded it, but for some reason, I just don't want to wake up until about 9 during the week. I guess it also doesn't help that for some reason I can't fall asleep before midnight so I'm only getting about 6 hours of sleep... and at my age with all my running, I really need more then that to function. Hopefully I start feeling the routine considering it's going to be like this for the next four months.

2. Tonight is my second collegiate track meet! It is the only "home" meet of indoor season, even though we are running at another college's facilities here in town. We just don't have a great indoor track. I'll be running the 800 m, different race than last meet, and I'm ranked 15 out of 20 with my submitted time. My hamstrings are a little sore today from the flexibility program we did in the weight room yesterday, but hopefully by 7:45 tonight I'll be awake and moving.

3. Classes are going well... quite wonderful actually. I don't mind my schedule too much, it isn't that back to back and most of the classes I am in are because I wanted to take them. Shakespeare is the only one I dread, probably because I have to take it against my own free will. I'm in two writing workshops (advanced... and I'm already getting ideas) and paradoxically I'm taking a class on War lit and another on Hope. All are very interesting so far and I've found I actually have time to read this semester during my day. I love it.

4. This semester already feels so different than any other year. I know I sort of projected that feeling in my last post, but so far it is going that way. Despite the tiredness, I feel more alert in my classes, like I care even more about what I am learning. I found myself taking a lot of things to heart this week, but also for the first time, not really worrying or stressing about all that has to be done. I even boldly spoke up in Shakespeare, twice, in one class. Now, I have always loved college and learning, but it feels like I'm starting all over again... maybe just because I have a sort of hope for after this semester.

5. Despite the fact that in five minutes time my legs completely freeze when I am outside, I love the snow. Campus is absolutely beautiful and on days like today where the sun shines, I'm just reminded of God's glory and beauty. It just brings a sort of hope for the day.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! Stay warm and find the beauty in the winter.

For the Glory....

But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will run and not grow weary...

-Isaiah 40:31


I fell asleep last night dreading the morning, and I am a morning person! I love a new day, but today brings the start of a new semester. New classes, work, practice... pretty much me starting at 6 in the morning and not returning to my home until 6 at night again. Give me the time frame of about six weeks and I will be tired, and weary, and burnt out.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love school and learning, and running, and my jobs are pretty decent (though I was hoping to not have to work as much), but I believe it is the constant routine I get in where every day seems to be the same. I feel rushed and pushed to my limit and it never fails that about halfway through every semester I feel like giving up. Waking up this morning brought excitement at the new start but also dread at what is to come. A paradox. That is until I had a thought.
I was doing my morning devotional (after about a year of not doing one I found a book in the aisle calling to me last week and bought it. It's wonderful to spend time with Him over coffee again.) and this verse from Isaiah stuck out at me with the author's words: We are told in Isaiah 40:31 that we are to run and not grow weary. When I am weary, I think God is saying to me, 'Pick up the pace, and I will energize you with my Spirit.' When weariness overcomes you, let God be your running partner. He will be with you to run the race...and to not grow weary in the process.
This is EXACTLY why I have this verse tattooed on my foot. I love the idea that God wants to run with us and be our energy when we can no longer pace one foot in front of the other. I spent a little time contemplating my new semester and God spoke to me. I suddenly realized how new this semester is to me.
When I think about today, January 12th, I realize that about six months ago I didn't plan on being right where I am. My idea was to be graduated from college, married, and starting another type of life... but God gave me today. This day He wanted me here. Right here at school starting a new and my last semester of college. This spring semester, these classes I am taking, my jobs, running on the track team... are all part of the race God wanted me to run. I realized that looking at this new semester as something which will bring me weariness halfway through is not how I should be looking at things. As a runner that is not how you go into a race or even a run.
If I cross the starting line with the thought that halfway through a race I'm going to be done, I'll never finish...
And finishing is what it is all about. No matter the distance, time, or pain it takes to get there, finishing brings Him glory. And there is purpose in my day; to whatever or wherever it takes me, everything today and tomorrow if it comes, and the next, etc, is part of that purpose.

God has given me a new chance, a new race. He has repaired what I thought once fell apart but now see as being purposely broken. And in this new race, things will be different. This semester is not like any other semester I have attended because I am different. Life is different. It is a new day and time for everything to change. I am not the same.


After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

"The Glory of it All"
-David Crowder

The New Year: Day by Day

I have never been very good at making New Year's Resolutions. Wait, I take that back. I'm very good at making resolutions, it's the following through part that I can't ever make. So... this year I'm doing something a little different. Since I've already failed yet again.

I took a run on New Year's Day and surprisingly, it was a great run. Nice sunny weather, not too cold and I felt strong. My movement was good. Halfway through my run my ipod died so I started thing and the most random, crazy thought popped into my head. Caitlin, you should run every day for the next year. Now, at the time it sounded great, probably because I was running and running well. I figured 365 days of running couldn't be that bad. I assumed I'd have a few bad days so on the off chance I didn't feel like running, I set a limit: at least 10 minutes of actual running because I know I can get a mile in less than that time, so 10 minutes a day minimum sounded great. Friday came and I ran again, another 3 miles down. Saturday came and I woke up sick. Go figure, right? So I headed to the gym and walked for a hour throwing in my ten minutes of running, a little sporadically, but still running. Then Sunday hit and I failed.

I don't get sick a lot, in fact, I haven't been sick in probably over a year, which is why now was the perfect time for it to hit. Right smack dab at the beginning of my new plans. So needless to say, in the first four days of the new year, I already failed at my resolution, but I'm ok with that... because I'm still running and that's what matters. Through the past year I've learned to understand that the plans in life sometimes don't work out... and we are all failures in a sense, but through God we can keep going. A lot of the things I want to do in life will never happen, but ultimately it is about striving for those things. To keep persevering, to make the most of the opportunity that comes my way. To set goals and try to reach them but understand that sometimes, my plans and goals are not what my Creator has for me. Most times He has a different path that I will reach in His timing, in His way. But somehow, always reaching them.
Which is why if I am able to run, no matter the pain I'm feeling or mindset that I don't want too, I probably will run. I may not make it for ten minutes everyday of this next coming year, in fact I know I won't because I've already missed a few and there will be more missed days. But it is those days when I am out striving to run when my goal is edged on by hope.

Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity.
-Colossians 4:5

So this year, 2009, is not going to be a year of resolutions and promises to myself, but instead, goals that I am going to strive for. Some fun, some serious, but all soul-strengthening and hope giving.

• Keep running, no matter the pain or mind-set. My heart may not be into running right now, but it is the footsteps that will get me back to the place I need to be.
• Get into an M.A. program. I'm slowly starting to find the peace that I'm searching for and quite possibly the path God wants me to be on. So I'm pursuing my writing in the small baby steps it takes to get there.
• Feel settled where I am at and quit searching for the 'great place' I feel I should be breathing in. Sometimes I think I've been running from the plans God has had for me all along. If I would just stop and quietly listen, that peace I long for would consume me.
• Take a great trip (or two or three) with friends this summer. I've already been talking with my best friend from high school and for years we've talked about road tripping... her husband will be deploying here in a month and so her and her son will be spending a lot of time with family. I just have this feeling that it's going to be a great time and even though we don't have major plans yet, I am really looking forward to it.
• Read War and Peace. I have talked about it, spark noted it, read about it, but never actually read it. I want to conquer it this year, probably more of a summer goal.
• Learn a language. If I make it into grad school, I'm going to have to take another year or two of a foreign language since I didn't get a B.A degree... so maybe if I brush up on French this summer or study Irish or Italian I could weave it into my language classes. Summer time is looking busy.
• Go skydiving. I have been talking about doing this for years... I've mainly avoided it because of my fear of heights but since I conquered those this summer... it's time to do it. And I'm doing this one before I graduate in May.
• Speaking of graduation, I'm applying to be commencement speaker. Probably a pretty scary goal, and random at that, but one of those why not moments.
• Publish a book: my memoir or collection of essays. This is a work in progress.
• Open my own coffee shop. Again, a work in progress... probably a long-term goal, but something I'm passionate about nonetheless. There's something about coffee, and loving people which draws me. Which is why I want to work towards it.

I look at this list and see pretty hefty goals and plans, and I know that there is a good chance some of these, or even all of these may never happen... but I believe it is in my striving to reach these goals and the strength I gain in the journey where God lies and where I will learn and grow. Where I will find hope in the new day.
It's about living in wisdom and making the most of every opportunity, whether gained or failed.
Because even if tomorrow never comes, I still have hope in the beauty of how God moves me in this day.

Hello 2009!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

It seems fairly unbelievable that 2009 is actually here, however, I have never been more ready for a new start, a new year, than I am today. I took a little time yesterday to look back over 2008 and think about what I went through. I could lie and say that I strongly feel 2009 is going to be a lot better, a happy and good year, and I think everything is going to work out. But like I said, that's probably a lie.
The truth is, 2009 is going to be just as hard as 2008. Not because I'm foreshadowing anything horrible, but I can't control the year. As much as I would like a wonderful year of happiness, I understand that there will probably be more heartbreak in a sense. Last year, these last six months in general, have been one of the most trying times of my life, but these past few months have really opened my eyes and my heart to God. In a sense, my faith is at it's weakest point but also at it's strongest. I say that because I'm learning to be vulnerable to God and in letting go of myself, I'm learning to let my faith lead my life.
At New Year's of last year I expected a wonderful year. I planned to travel to Ireland, graduate college, and plan my wedding. But halfway through 2008, my plans were shattered and life fell apart. Or so I thought. My fiance called off our wedding and I seemed to lose all direction in life. Everything I had figured out for this year was gone and I had no direction. But now, what I believe really happened was God spoke to me.
For so long Jeremiah 29:11 has been one of my favorite verses. 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' (NIV) It was that quintessential direction after I graduated high school and started "growing up" as I headed out into the college world. I've had it posted in my dorm rooms, on my apartment walls, and even jotted down on bookmarks, thinking that if I kept rereading it, life would be perfectly planned. However, what I didn't understand is that God's plans take time and trials. Just because He has plans for me doesn't mean it is going to be an easy road. He promises not to harm me, but that doesn't mean I won't hurt. Life is not perfectly planned, ever, and sometimes it is that hurt and not understanding which make us the strongest because in our weakness something brings us crawling back to Him, empty and vulnerable ready to be shaped.
I think I became so attached to this verse that in time, it lost meaning. I was reading it, but I wasn't understanding it, and with this change of plans God is calling me to find hope. I may not think life is perfectly planned, but to my Creator who never makes a mistake, life is. To me, a hiccup in my plans seems to interrupt my life, causing me to stumble around, but those hiccups are really what set me on His path. Because I have Him deeply rooted in my heart, there is something that sets me apart and keeps me going despite the sadness, anger, and trials. Hope is like peanut butter. If I chew on it, the hiccups slowly dwindle and I can breathe easy again. No matter how many times I get the hiccups, a spoonful of peanut butter never disappoints. It helps me breathe again. In my weakness and vulnerability, it is hope which brings me crawling back to Him and sets my path straight. Knowing God means knowing hope. Trials take time and sometimes there are many hiccups, but hope is always there, just like JIFF, waiting in the cupboard for me to seek it.
Jeremiah 29:11 is a wonderful verse, and something great to hang on your wall, but we have to remember what God says next: Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (v. 12-13 NIV). We cannot just sit down and let life happen. We cannot just plan and think things will work out perfectly. We have to seek Him out for every direction in life and understand that heartbreak, in many senses, will occur, but no matter how hard the trials seem, the peanut butter is always there. Hope does not disappoint us (Romans 5:5).

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! Wow, 2008 is finally over!! I'm so excited about this new year....and if my low key night-- playing some video games and spending time with friends-- is any hint for for the next year, then I'm ready for it. Time for loving and making moments count!


Me and the Lib



I hope everyone had a wonderful night!! Time to start on those resolutions....