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Today is the very last day of 2008 and I'm doing something drastic.To ring in new beginnings, I'm cleaning up my blog and deleting some posts, so in case you have the itch to peruse through my past years or so, some writings might be missing. I honestly feel it's the only way to really, really start over. I can't change the past, nor would I want too because I would not be who I am today had life not happened as it had, but I'm letting go of some memories. I've heard before that time and experiences don't always matter, it's the memories that count and I like that idea. No matter what we do, we never truly lose our memories. They may fade with time and age, and each day it may be harder to grasp onto those wonderful times, but in memory, we can relive anything we want too, no matter the age.But today, I'm ready to let some fade in order to make room for a year of more memories.I challenge you to find something this past year you're holding onto and let it go. Let the empty space be made whole again.
I found a blog today that really spoke to me because I felt so connected and has caused me to write a post. I know I haven't been writing much lately, it just seems that when I get so busy or inadvertently stressed, my writing suffers, which in turn depresses me because writing has always been my outlet and part of my strength. I hate not being able to write when it is what I feel compelled to do.
My writing centers around my beautiful God, running, faith, and just my life. But for the past four months I've felt like all that has disappeared. I haven't been to church in a while, I can't find a church where I feel comfortable. I've found myself not reading my bible too often, and sometimes I can make it through a whole day only saying a few words to God. I run everyday, but its just running these days. Though my life is moving forward and I'm feeling happy again, I still feel like I'm just living a routine. I can't find my pace nor lose myself in my steps. And though it is there, my faith feels so broken.
Because I feel so broken.
I've gone through my blog from the past months and any onlooker would think I'm bipolar because my posts seem to shift from happy to sad to happy again, each day something different. I don't think bipolar is the case, but I do think my posts show the struggle I have and still am facing. When our lives are shaken, they are shaken and it's never an easy journey nor a fast one. Which is why I am nothing but honest in my writing, even if the only people who read this are strangers.
I am human and I am struggling, but the one thing I do hold onto is hope. I may feel weaker in my faith than I have ever felt before, I may be questioning, struggling, feeling uncomfortable, but I do know above all else that God is there and loves me, even if I can't feel him as strongly as I used too. I struggle with sin, with guilt, with understanding, and with accepting grace because I know that I do not deserve it. But then again, do we ever deserve anything in this life? Even this life? No... we don't, but I guess that is what grace is. However, knowing that I am a dirty, broken, ragamuffin sinner makes it hard sometimes.
Which is where this post comes in. I suppose I'm confessing but also looking for a new beginning. I very strongly feel that I need a new one and I want to find it. Not in anything of this world or things like that... but a new beginning in my faith. I know it's still going to be a long, hard journey but I have to search, I have to continue to hope that I can move forward.
So, considering I am stressed out of my mind because of the end of the semester wrap out... I'm taking a small hiatus from writing. I'm going to try to clear my head of school and hopefully during my break, come back with the beginning of my journey. I'll probably be revamping my blog again and my writing, but I want to write from my heart again. I want to feel compelled again. I want to heal.
And everything that hurts will be whole again
-Robbie Seay Band "Love Wins"
