A running epiphany

I've walked the valley of death's shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I've had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
-Stephen Curtis Chapman

I had a good day. My first good day in awhile but nonetheless, a good day. Last night would've found me caved over the bathroom sink, tears streaming down my face and chest heaving. I woke up with puffy eyes and tired, but I woke up. The morning found me alive again and I chose to embrace that.
Life tends to get me down at very, very random moments and it's hard to get back up sometimes. I often feel like my broken heart is never going to heal. As has been spoken of numerous times in my writing. I want to be whole again tomorrow but I know that isn't going to happen soon. It's going to take time, and a lot of time to get past this.
Because I realized today that this is in a sense a death I am grieving over. It isn't just a broken engagement but the death of all my plans and the future life I thought was in store for me. And just like the passing of a loved one, everything I saw for the next however many years has passed on.

I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm grieving, I'm lost, and I'm broken.

But I still have hope.

And if anything, if I lose even more than I can ever imagine I could lose, even if my emotions and brokenness get worse, I will still have my hope. Because everyday that the morning finds me alive, my heart and my insides are slowly being renewed and molded into something stronger and more beautiful than I can ever imagine. Because that's the glorious destiny my Creator has for me.

I had an epiphany while I was running today. I've been moved around so much this preseason with the other team runners because I'm just a walk-on looking for my place. This week I moved up to run with some of the cross country girls and even though I thought I was a distance runner, this running is hard. I am so exhausted and sore from the miles I've put in in three days. But I've done it. And I keep running.
Today we did a 36 minute fartlek run, (3 minutes hard core, 3 gentler run, 2 hard core, 2 gentler, 1, etc x3) and I couldn't keep up with the other girls. I was always last but I kept running, and they kept telling me good job for keeping up with them, even though I was behind. What I realized was that this is my first week running with them. My first week and here I am not with them, but close and continuing. And as the season progresses, this, running, will get easier.
My mother keeps telling me that as I go through my days my heart will heal. It will get easier to handle and someday I will accept what has happened and be able to embrace life again. For the first time I understood the concept that God will heal me. That He already is healing me, even if it isn't how I want to be healed. He is renewing me in His time continually giving me strength and grace through his pacing. Once again life is just like running. I have very hard days and my hearts hurts, but each time it gets a little less painful. This, life, will get easier.

And because of that I will continue to run with hope.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet
inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 
2 Corinthians 4:16