Words Speak

In everything that has happened over the last month it's hard to comprehend that it has only been about five weeks since my engagement has been broken off. Honestly, it feels like it has been six months already... not because I'm pining away for him but because I'm at a point in life where healing has started. I don't cry anymore (well, I actually haven't since that first week). I don't think about what 'could've been,' I'm not regretting the last three years of my life, and I'm already doing new things for myself. I'm moving forward. God really is my peace through strength because I know it's only in Him that this chaotic life can feel so peaceful in my heart. And He's the only one who can give me the strength to get up in the morning. I know each new day is another chance I have to find hope. To know hope and embrace it. I posted song lyrics last week, "almost lover" by A Fine Frenzy and I wish, I wish! I had written them... I found another one this week that's just been stuck in my head so I'm sharing.

hope for the hopeless
A Fine Frenzy

stitch in your knitted brow
and you don't know how
you're gonna get it out
crushed under heavy chest
trying to catch your breath
but it always beats you by a step,
all right now

making the best of it
playing the cards you get
you're not alone in this

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

cold in a summer breeze
yeah, you're shivering
on your bended knee
still, though your heart is sore
and the heavens pour
like a willow bending with the storm,
you'll make it

running against the wind
playing the cards you get
something is bound to give

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

Maybe it's because I'm a writer and I love words that I can find the power in them. My high school English teacher (I love her!) emailed me this week with some poetry that I've found to have an affect on me, especially where I'm at right now. The poet's name is Dorothy Parker and she's known for her wit but I love her stuff. It makes me smile and says what I wish I could write. What I'm feeling. I posted "Healed" yesterday with the promise of more so here it is:

Finis
Dorothy Parker
Now it's over, and now it's done;
Why does everything look the same?
Just as bright, the unheeding sun, —
Can't it see that the parting came?
People hurry and work and swear,
Laugh and grumble and die and wed,
Ponder what they will eat and wear, —
Don't they know that our love is dead?

Just as busy, the crowded street;
Cars and wagons go rolling on,
Children chuckle, and lovers meet, —
Don't they know that our love is gone?
No one pauses to pay a tear;
None walks slow, for the love that's through, —
I might mention, my recent dear,
I've reverted to normal, too.

4 thoughts on a Friday

What a Friday!! I'm hoping I can think straight enough to write out a few things but I am so beat from today.. and I still have a night ahead of me.

1. School is going well. I took a chance this week, tried out for the track team, and switched a few things around. I'm learning to do a few things for me in life and to enjoy whatever I can out of it. Which means, not sulking or doing everything just because I need too. No, I'm learning to step back and yes, still do a lot, but to bide my time well. I dropped Shakespeare (even though I'm liking it) to lighten my school load for once so I can concentrate on the important stuff. I'm going to be here for the spring so I can take it then. And enjoy then. I also cut back on work hours at the Le Club. As much as I love the gym life I had to let go a little bit. Now that I'm running track I really want to focus on that and just let everything else happen. So that's what I'm doing.

2. I survived my second day of practice tonight and I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!! We did three sets of 8 hill repeats and that was hard. I'm definitely not in as good of shape as I thought i was but I have the heart to keep going. My calves cramped horribly today which was just an addition to the Charlie horse I woke up with at 4 am this morning. I hate that feeling. Waking up to my calf so tight... I'm pretty sure I screamed because it hurt so bad so I can't imagine what my neighbors thought. I've got to get out and run some this weekend, do a little drills (I didn't miss those from high school days) and push myself. I don't know why I feel so compelled to run but I know that I have to focus on it, and it's great.

3. I've been reading a lot of poetry lately and having lots suggested to me and I can't get enough!! With all of them and my writing class... I'm finally feeling secure and confident in my writing too. It's amazing how God works and if we just listen, he'll reveal stuff in his time. Life feels so chaotic right now, but there's peace in my heart and that's what matter. Anyway, here's a favorite suggested to me this week

Healed
by Dorothy Parker

Oh, when I flung my heart away,
The year was at its fall.
I saw my dear, the other day,
Beside a flowering wall;
And this was all I had to say:
"I thought that he was tall!"

I'm going to have to find more of her stuff!

4. Oddly enough, I think that's all I have today.... life has pretty much been classes and track all week, and getting everything figured out. I work all weekend but I also know that when Monday rolls around, my semester is going to slow down. For the first time in my college life (it's never too late) I'm actually slowing down to just enjoy life. I understand that I don't have to do everything, or be the best at everything, or have everything at once. I just have to keep going one day at a time, one moment at a time and give it all my heart.

Believing in His steps

I hurt. And for once, it isn't my heart.

Earlier this weekend, for example, Sunday, I decided on a whim to email the ISU track coach about tryout opportunities for the team. I know, crazy considering it's my senior year and I haven't run track for about, 4 or 5 years, let alone college track. He got back to me on Tuesday and said he'd love for me to run for the team. To make a long story short (because I'm starving and I have a million things to do before life calms down again) I ran around all week filling out paperwork, attending meetings, and today, yes today, running at practice.

I still can't believe it, although I'm sure it will hit me tomorrow when I wake up extremely sore, that I am going to be running for ISU. I'm a track runner again. I'm a athlete again but not only that, I'm a NCAA, Division 1 athlete. Two months ago my life was headed in a totally different direction and I was just running, but today, that plan is something I never would've believed if you'd told me years ago I'd be here. I asked Him to run and now, I'm not just running.

God can do the impossible, the unbelievable and I can't wait to see where he takes my feet.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."
-James 1:1-5

Finding a little bit of running

Life is ridiculously wonderful sometimes... it's hard to believe that this isn't even close to what heaven is going to be like. That's sure what gets me through these days... knowing that someday I'll really be going home. Have I mentioned that my heaven is a huge track with perfect weather and lots of coffee stops???

Needless, I'm in a fairly good mood today but it's hard not to be when the sun is shining and I'm here. I made a choice this morning to wake up and be happy, and that's what happened. Enough with the mumbling around and worrying and stressing (although, I really haven't been doing much of that since I've been back from Ireland, life had been pretty good) I know I can find strength if all I do is ask. School is going great so far, I love my classes and I might have the opportunity to stay around for a little bit longer and enjoy some more knowledge, not to mention some awesome grad programs I'm checking out for writing. My friends are wonderful and I'm meeting a lot of new people this semester, it's great.. I love hanging out with people. If only I would've realized sooner it's ok to be social during the week! I'm also enjoying working at the gym because my co-workers are fun and the interaction with other people is great. Plus, it's my element. I'm getting back into my running schedule finally with a hopeful wish to do another half marathon in November, which feels wonderful, not to mention (and here's the big news for the day) I'm trying out for the track team!! That's right... I figure, it's better late than never!! I've got a few meetings and things this week so say your prayers and keep your fingers crossed! I haven't run on a team in years and I miss it terribly.... I think the only thing I regret in my life was quitting the team in high school to find a job, but, there are more open doors at everything just around the corner. God has plans for me and though they aren't always what I think they are, he always knows. As long as I trust, I'll find them. And until I do, it never hurts to try the opportunities.

I hope life is just as beautiful on your end...

Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

- A Fine Frenzy

3.5 Thoughts on a Friday

Here it is: my first Friday post of the semester, of my senior year at that.

1. I cannot fathom the idea that I'm a senior in college. I shouldn't be here.. it feels like yesterday was the day I started as a freshman, eyes opening to the world. Except that title belongs to my brother this year. I hope he is enjoying his first few days, it's amazing how much they really kind of set how the rest of the four years will go. I mean, depending on what things you get involved with right away, or don't get involved with, say a lot about you and direct you on the path you're to take. I haven't done a lot of "extra" activities or partying for that matter during my previous years, but I don't mind. I've enjoyed school so much, I've enjoyed learning, making new friends, trying new things, but most importantly, I've enjoyed how much I've changed and what kind of woman I'm becoming. I've always wondered if I should've applied at other schools and gone farther away, but I know without a doubt that I am meant to be here. And I know that without a doubt, where I'm supposed to go next will be revealed in time too. So, even though I have senioritus and I'm ready to be done, I'm not going to let the stress or "real world" syndrome part of that scare me out of my last year. I'm not worried about getting things done, taking the GRE, applying to a million grad schools or finding a job. I'm just going to keep moving forward day by day, doing a little bit at a time like, (slightly a different approach then what I normally take, but... that happens) and when I get that diploma, I'll head in the direction I'm supposed too.

2. The Olympics are almost over!!! I do not know how I'm going to handle that. Maybe I'm just going to have to train extra hard so I can be there in four years. I love turning on the tv at night and being able to leave it on one channel where I can watch or just listen. I suppose I'll end up finding something else to bide my time I think "The Biggest Loser" is starting again.... although, I am working several nights at the new job.

3. Which I LOVE! The gym is great... it's just a good atmosphere to be in and when I'm in the freshman one, it's pretty quiet at night so I get plenty of homework done.

3.5 Hmmm.... I thought I had some more things going on in my brain, but surprisingly, this is it! I'm just ready to start the day and see what happens.

Have a great Friday/weekend everyone!

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

In a Whisper

I heard this song for the first time about a week ago and I hated it. Now I can't get it off my radio, or off my internet stream, or out of my head. It just pops in when I least expect it. I've always loved Sanctus Real and their lyrics are so powerful... however I've been reading a lot of lyrics lately and listening to so much music, that I'm not finding what I'm looking for.

Today I finally realized when I really listen, God speaks. That's just what He doing. It's almost as if I heard this song for the first time today and understood how beautiful it is. How it explains everything I'm feeling right now. There is so much chaos in my life, but somehow, there really is peace. I feel it and I hear Him.
At 2 am in the morning He's speaking... and I'm choosing to listen.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) Lyrics
-Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

1 thought on a Friday (as brought to you by Saturday)

I was laying in bed last night (not sleeping as usual) and I realized it was a Friday night and I hadn't made a post. My goal is to get back into my Friday thoughts but I'm not going to beat myself up if I miss one... I'll just give it later.
Here's my thought for yesterday:

"I want a tattoo."

I've been thinking about getting a second tattoo for awhile now, but I wasn't sure what I wanted or where I wanted it. Ok, I take that back - I've been wanting something running related but I couldn't decide if I wanted it on my calf, or my ankle, or my foot, or if maybe I should just get something small and pretty on my wrist. Well, due to other people's opinions, I haven't gotten one yet because certain people kept telling me one was enough. I can't help it though, once you get one you really do get addicted to it. So, on a whim, I just decided yesterday that yes, I am going to get one. I'm trying to throw my energy into life right now because I refuse to be depressed and miss out. Instead, I'm taking it all for what it's worth and moving forward very well from this heartbreak. I had a little savings left over after my trip so, what else did I have to do yesterday but head to Eternal Ink (a Christian tattoo parlor) and get myself inked.

Now, let me say one thing about this tattoo. I got the idea in Ireland when I really started thinking about my running, and after I noticed how my running changed after my fiance broke things off. I don't know, it's like I've found a new strength, not only in life, but in my running. God is good and for some reason, I just feel like I need to keep running. I mean, it is my passion (as evident by everything in my life), but I just feel like maybe, after all, I can use it somehow in life - whether by example, helping others to run, or even a career. So... I permanently gave myself a reminder to keep going. And it hurt like crazy!! I must be a sucker for pain because I chose my foot, already one of the most painful parts of the body to get tattooed, but, it's on the sides of my foot and wraps around the heel. Yeah, that was the worst part. At took a little over an hour but as he kept going, I just kept thinking I can do this. I didn't notice the pain after awhile, but when I did, I realized that the pain of my tattoo and even the pain in my running (when I really push myself) hurts so much more than my broken heart. Which means, if I can persevere and endure this kind of pain, then I can take on the pain of my broken heart knowing that someday, that will heal. Tattoo pain is strong but temporary. The art, the piece itself and what it stands for is forever. A broken heart is just painful, but it too is temporary. No matter how much I'm hurting right now, it will go away and I'll keep moving forward, one day never remembering the hurt. I might always connect this tattoo to my heartbreak, but not in the way most think. This piece is about God and running, and finding my strength in him. It's about healing.

A little spoonful of heaven in an otherwise heavenly day

I finally found Espresso Chip Ice Cream!!!

It was a glorious night... I was slightly bored and so I do what I normally do when that mood hits. I went for a run. Since it happened to be a good one I decided ice cream for dinner was exactly what I needed afterwards. Not thinking too much about what I wanted I just journeyed to the store thinking the taste would strike when I saw the carton. I stood in front of the glass doors savoring exactly what I would bring home and there, on the very bottom shelf, was none other that Edy's Espresso Chip.
I'd stopped thinking about my craving for heavenly coffee ice cream recently and I knew a couple months ago that the minute I did I would find it. Or it would find me?? Don't you love it how things happen that way??

Now, maybe if I stop thinking about other things I need, they'll find me too.

On another note, I learned to ride a motorcycle today and it was amazing. Even though I put it in the ditch I've decided I will be getting one soon. I wonder if they come in pink??

Moment:

"Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me."

-Daughtry

6 Thoughts on a Friday

I'm back and trying to get into my schedule again... I missed several weeks of this, BUT, I'm sure my other posts made up for it.

1. I'm still experiencing jet lag-- either that or I just can't sleep these days. I was up until, well, let's just say really early, so I only got a few hours of sleep but I feel great. Maybe my body is still just worn out, but it's acting weird. I did get some good research done last night though.

2. My best friend is possibly at this moment having a baby boy! I found out last night she went into the hospital so it could be anytime!! I can't wait to be an Aunt (by assosiation) but it's also so hard not being close to her. Stupid military bases... so far away from everything.

3. I start my last semester of undergrad ever in 12 days. I'm quite excited but terrified because everything I have to do for after now is going to sneak up on me. Grad school, and where, GRE's, finance... too much.

4. I'm STILL reading Breaking Dawn. Subconsciously, I think I'm trying to draw it out because I know once I'm done, it's over. I'm liking it a little better then I was at first, but I'm not quite as impressed as I thought I'd be.

5. The Olympics start today!!!!

6. This telling people about not getting married anymore is getting harder. I ran into some friends at the gym yesterday and I'm kind of dreading church on Sunday. It works well for a conversation killer.

ok... I'm breaking my odd trend but that's what I can focus on in my head right now. If I wrote everything, I'd be here forever.

Have a great day everyone!

Kissing Blarney

I definitely was granted the gift of gab when I kissed the Blarney stone (or what I like to think of as the written gift of gab). I think I made a complete fool of myself today, sometimes, I just don't know when to quit talking... or writing for that matter.
Being embarrassed is a humbling experience though. I'm sure the blushing brings a nice color to my face.