Banishing my mind

Waking up this morning, I realized I was ready for the day to be over. How easy it would have been to roll over towards the window, curl the blanket up around my chin, and fall back asleep. As much as I didn't want too, I ended up in the shower and here I now sit at the library trying to keep my eyes open.

I've been so exhausted lately, which is probable considering that I'm in Ireland and I'm doing a million different things every day. It just feels like I'm having trouble resting and getting into the swing of the days. I'm not used to not having a routine, and though I quite like it, I feel like my mind is screaming at me. Telling me to make a routine and stick to it, instead of just going with the flow. Which is the purpose of the trip. Though it's hard, I'm refusing trying to make a routine because I want life, in these few short weeks, to just happen to me. 

I'm also having trouble finding my running outlet. The weather is perfect enough to run in, when it isn't rainy or windy, but again, it was hard to tie my running shoes this morning and so I skipped it. I still feel a little odd today, like I do want the day to be over, which is really, when I think about it, a horrible feeling. It's just one of those days when I hate my hair, my clothes, etc...When life is already this short, why would I want to hurry up and miss out on the chance of a day? Who knows what could happen today, as long as I just let it. I have to keep my eyes wide and know that there is purpose, otherwise I wouldn't have woken up. 

I'm not supposed to worry about what I'll wear or eat or drink because it's so trivial in this life, and I shouldn't be worrying about anything anyway. But, I think this is just my mind pulling at home a little. I miss everyone, but I think subconsciously, I miss stressing and worrying and having a nice little routine. How ridiculous am I? I had a small panic attack Friday night but I calmed myself out of it. Sometimes it's just hard to get a little alone time here and I think my mind needs it. But to subconsciously miss stressing and worrying? I really do need to center my mind and fix that. I don't want stress and worry to lead me to a shorter life. I want to enjoy it and be carefree.

I'm going to go grab some coffee and read a little, and hopefully breathe. I can't do my yoga much here but I'm finding out that breathing is coming easier to me and it really does center me. If the rain holds out I might also venture off a little bit tonight, just to get out and away.

I am learning though that life is so much better without worrying, and stress, and routine... as long as I just take time to breathe and open my eyes. It's just a fight with myself to get it all out of my mind.