You can take my heart, but not my words

I'm entering my last week of life in Ireland, and though I should be ecstatic, I'm not. I won't go into detail, but it has been rough here for awhile. I wanted to let the world know in case I'm not writing (or if my writing takes on a different tone) the reasons why. My heart's been broken as well as my engagement. I can't do much right now but write from my emotions, yet I have a feeling I might also be silent for awhile. Until then, bear with me... I will write again, it's what I'm born to do.

Writing again

Hello from Dublin!
Well, I'm on my last weekend here in the Emerald Isle and I must say I have enjoyed every bit of it so far (for updates on my adventures check out my travel blog). And, being in the only city in the world where it's ok to be a writer.... I've taken some liberties. And avoided doing my homework. Here's a little sampling of some much different work:

Needle and Thread

I stumbled and vomited what was left of my soul on the sidewalk.
In the middle of a new day there was
nothing but the sound of my convulsions and the scraping of my knees as they hit the foreign pavement.

I found myself on my knees again, this time praying to the porcelain God afraid I wouldn’t be able to praise with the right strength anywhere else. If I hold my arm right, it curves around my torso holding everything in that desires to heave.
But my alter doesn’t respond.

Let the morning find me alive for it’s all I can do to stand.

Today wasn’t a one time thing.
I fell down yesterday too, hooking my shoe on the stairs and falling to my knees.
The bruises reflect a humbleness I should be having
but instead remind me of what is bringing me there. A broken heart and questions.

I reach down to life my soul and then I remember it isn't like a shadow.
I cannot sew it back together.

Fallen Apple

The old stories used to be about how one day
He simply stopped holding her hand. Then
He stopped caring. Then
He stopped loving Her.

they used to hide under the table as if it would shut out the arguing, to help repress those memories from seeping into adulthood.

Over coffee the stories used to end with a worried moral: ‘I don’t ever want to be like that.”
Who was to know like father like son?

Untitled

My breath catches in my chest
suddenly reminding me of the time when the wind caught the screen door and ripped it off the hinges during the storm two and a half years ago.

What brought this on was seeing a photograph hanging in the studio window of a mother cradling her new born baby girl and suddenly the womanly, hormonal, urge to birth a child came over me juxtaposed with the thought that he’s turned off the switch and I’ll never be able to make a child on my own.

I stopped by a Rembrandt exhibit yesterday and the first etching I saw was entitled “Death Appears to a Wedded Couple” closely followed by “Adam and Eve.” Paradox. The possibility of incomprehension at his words impels me to imagine that I’m ok. And then I have to force life into my body. To force my breakfast down:
two stales pieces of toast,
a chocolate bar,
and bitter, watery coffee.

I threatened it to stay down thinking that the repugnancy of the bile in the back of my throat might help me stop believing in the beautiful.

But then I remember what it felt like when he kissed me with his soft, strong hands curving into my jaw.
And I taste it.

Banishing my mind

Waking up this morning, I realized I was ready for the day to be over. How easy it would have been to roll over towards the window, curl the blanket up around my chin, and fall back asleep. As much as I didn't want too, I ended up in the shower and here I now sit at the library trying to keep my eyes open.

I've been so exhausted lately, which is probable considering that I'm in Ireland and I'm doing a million different things every day. It just feels like I'm having trouble resting and getting into the swing of the days. I'm not used to not having a routine, and though I quite like it, I feel like my mind is screaming at me. Telling me to make a routine and stick to it, instead of just going with the flow. Which is the purpose of the trip. Though it's hard, I'm refusing trying to make a routine because I want life, in these few short weeks, to just happen to me. 

I'm also having trouble finding my running outlet. The weather is perfect enough to run in, when it isn't rainy or windy, but again, it was hard to tie my running shoes this morning and so I skipped it. I still feel a little odd today, like I do want the day to be over, which is really, when I think about it, a horrible feeling. It's just one of those days when I hate my hair, my clothes, etc...When life is already this short, why would I want to hurry up and miss out on the chance of a day? Who knows what could happen today, as long as I just let it. I have to keep my eyes wide and know that there is purpose, otherwise I wouldn't have woken up. 

I'm not supposed to worry about what I'll wear or eat or drink because it's so trivial in this life, and I shouldn't be worrying about anything anyway. But, I think this is just my mind pulling at home a little. I miss everyone, but I think subconsciously, I miss stressing and worrying and having a nice little routine. How ridiculous am I? I had a small panic attack Friday night but I calmed myself out of it. Sometimes it's just hard to get a little alone time here and I think my mind needs it. But to subconsciously miss stressing and worrying? I really do need to center my mind and fix that. I don't want stress and worry to lead me to a shorter life. I want to enjoy it and be carefree.

I'm going to go grab some coffee and read a little, and hopefully breathe. I can't do my yoga much here but I'm finding out that breathing is coming easier to me and it really does center me. If the rain holds out I might also venture off a little bit tonight, just to get out and away.

I am learning though that life is so much better without worrying, and stress, and routine... as long as I just take time to breathe and open my eyes. It's just a fight with myself to get it all out of my mind. 

Thought on a Friday

I've got a one track mind this morning as I start my Friday.

1. I'm going to Galway!! It's my first full weekend in the country and the class as a whole is traveling to Galway to see some amazing sights. I believe today we'll be stopping at the Cliffs of Moher, look for pictures soon. I have a feeling I'll be running into a lot of sheep as well...