3 Thoughts on a Friday

1. Ok, so I'm posting this actually on a Sunday but I'm backdating it for Friday. I realized in all of my excitement that I had forgotten to get my thoughts out. Excitement you ask? I mean, really... you couldn't tell that I have excited about going to Ireland at all, I really haven't mentioned it much. ha! But, that's what I was doing Friday, flying to Ireland.














2. The flight itself wasn't too bad, but it did seem long after the fact. And two days later, I'm still slightly feeling the jet lag. I watched about two movies, Riverdance, and some T.V shows on the flight. I couldn't sleep at all!

3. I'm now in Ireland! What more can I say? It's green, and wonderful, and amazing. Check out the travel blog for more.

Quebec National Day

Well, today is one of those days where my klutzyness is abound in everything I do. But, I refuse to let it get to me, despite having problems breathing. I did something last night or while I was sleeping, but I woke up with my back muscles completely tight around my middle back. It feels like they are squeezing me and I'm having trouble taking deep breaths. It's not too painful, just kind of annoying.
Then I spilled my oatmeal all over the floor (before it was cooked thank you) and had to sweep all of that up. And I feel like I'm running late... but that could be because I'm writing instead of getting ready.

I'm not letting it get to me, which is new in my life. Usually I'd be grumpy and blah for the rest of the day, but being happy and learning to deal with little things is a choice. There's no reason I shouldn't choose to be happy when life around me is alive and beautiful. Sure, there are ups and downs and stressful situations, but those are only what we make of them. I once heard that true character is revealed in the middle of desperation (or something like that) and I really think it is true. When bad things happen (little or big) our heart shows. It is who we are in the face of adversity that sheds light to other people's eyes and opens their hearts.
So bring on the day, bring on the klutzyness, and bring on another crazy afternoon of work... My heart is ready to start talking. As soon as I get some coffee that is.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Have a beautiful day!

Love affair with a storybook character

I had another Twilight-esque dream last night and I won't mind if they never stop. This one was very different than my last one; it's almost as if I'm taking Bella's dreams from the book and recreating them. I am rereading New Moon right now and I'm picking up on a lot of little things about Jacob that I didn't the first time through. I think I was just so anxious for Edward to show up again that I skimmed over Jacob. I let him into my heart in the third book and now that I'm reading this story again, I'm definitely torn. I love Edward for Bella, he makes her happy and she is everything to him. They are soul mates. But Jacob does something Edward can't do. He makes Bella warm. I've been paying more attention to her thoughts (I'm only 5 chapters in) but once she reconnects with Jacob she is a different person. He makes her happy and brings her laughter back, and when she is with him she immediately feels at peace. I know his werewolfism is what really makes her feel warm, but there's just a warmth about her personality when she is with him.
Where this is all going is back to my dream. It was more about Jacob than Edward this time. I'll write what I remember:
I don't know how I got here or what led to this part, but I was in the water under a huge metal bridge. Only the water was quite high because I was close to some of the underneath support beams. There were two people sitting on the beams, a male and female. Of course they were vampires--I'm thinking a Victoria/James relation here. All I remember is that the male was gorgeous and I wanted to be with him, but he wasn't Edward. He wanted to kill me and so had twisted my thoughts to him. Somehow, I snapped out of it and he flew down to the water to talk to me, kind of an evil, teasing kind of talk. For some reason they were waiting out my death--waiting for someone or something. I kept screaming for Jacob, sometimes I would call him a different name. I wanted him to rescue me. Everything was dark and dreary and I needed the sun he brought. After a long while, I got really scared because I didn't think he could hear me in the distant forest. I knew I was doomed and just gave in. I think that's what the vampires were waiting for, for me to give over and just drown. I whispered "I love Jacob, I forgive you," took one last breath and just tried to sink. I flickered my eyes open under water and there was the male vampire, staring at me with a little I've won" smirk. His eyes had changed to black, he was ready for me. I tried screaming (even though I was under water) and the next thing I knew, I saw a huge shadow pass over the top of the water, pressure from someone jumping in, and I was being pulled up and out of the water. I kind of got flung onto the road, but I didn't fall hard or get hurt. He was careful and it was a soft throw, compassionate. I remember hearing some growling noises and such, and I knew it was Jacob taking care of the other two. I curled into a ball and lay there on the street waiting for him. Finally, he came around the end of the bridge (in human form) and of course without a shirt. That didn't bother me at all. He was so tall and copper colored and gorgeous. He scooped me up, easily, and cradled me like a child. He ran his right hand through my wet hair kissing me on the forehead. I was immediately warm. I remember that feeling very strongly. I know what Bella must feel like to be in his presence because it was an amazing warmth of sun, of strength, security, and love.
"Why did you give up on me?" he asked.
"I didn't think you could hear me...I didn't want you to risk being hurt." (Typical Bella type answer...sacrificing myself for him)
"He shook his head, looked at me with such compassionate eyes and said,"I can hear you wherever I am and I would die to save you." Then he leaned his head down and met my lips. The first part of the kiss was beyond this world, literally the best thing I've ever felt, and I'm sure the second half would have been just as wonderful except that I can't remember anything else.

Sometimes I dream so vividly. But I'm glad it was a good dream. I have no reason not to love Jacob Black now and I'm very, very torn in Bella's love affair. I'm beginning to have one of my own with these characters and though I'm very excited for Breaking Dawn, I'm a little nervous about it too. I really want to like the ending to the book. I'm not sure if I want Bella with Edward or Jacob now, it's a tough choice, but I hope Stephenie Meyer makes the right one. You know the one when you're reading and all you can say is, 'it was supposed to happen like this...there was no other way.' I hope it will be worth waiting for, whoever Bella ends up with, otherwise, I'm going to write my own ending.

4thoughts on a Friday

1. I am leaving for Ireland in one week. That's seven days. That's next Friday. Oh my gosh, I need to leave today. I don't think I can hang on for one more week. I still have to pack, but I'm afraid I'm going to let all of my emotions start to get to me. There's so many going on in my head right now I can't think straight.

2. Which is bad because I have another Chemistry test in 1 hour and 45 minutes. This week of learning made absolutely no sense to me. It's quite funny because we started to learn about organic chemistry and lots of different compounds, and in the process of creating compounds and writing them, you use a lot of letters. Now, as a word lover this should be right up my alley, right? WRONG. I have never seen a bunch of letters make such a jumbled mess in my life, especially when I start connecting them with little lines and they get bigger and more confusing as we go along. Wish me luck as I go study (which I WILL do more of this morning).

3. Back to Ireland (because I can't seem to get away) I definitely had a break down last night and I'm feeling the effects of this not sleeping business again. I am so excited to be leaving and for the opportunity, but I vomited up every little piece of stress possible last night. I don't understand how I have such a hard time relaxing and taking things easy. I'm a planner and I think it drives me crazy. I guess I feel like I have so much going on in the next six months that I'm trying to plan everything out (and even beyond that time frame) so I can have a nice little schedule of life and no stress...except all that stupid planning stresses me out MORE. I do mean what I said in my goodbye letter. I hope Ireland changes me and helps me embrace life for now and not six months down the road. I want to take life with the flow and stop planning and stressing. I think, I just need a forced time to do that.

4. The last episode I get to watch of Army Wives is on Sunday. I'm sad. I will miss my Sunday nights while I'm gone, BUT I'm taping while I'm away. I figure I even need to get away from that for awhile.

5. 42 days until Breaking Dawn. I'm buying it and attending a release party in Ireland if I can. :) I'll read the whole thing on the plane trip back probably.

A deployment of dirty clothes

The bathtub was filled to the brim with bubbles, the scent of lavender hung in the air, and there was a little Debussy playing in the background. It was the first time in a while since I had cried.

***

Recently, I've been getting comments on my blogs from readers I've never met. Now, as a writer, that is wonderful news because this means my thoughts and ideas are out in the world, being read by other people. In turn, I've checked out the writings of my commentators and found a few more blogs to add to my list. Actually, it seems that I've found a few ladies that I can relate too very well in what I go through as a military lover.
Now I know there are women out there who date, marry, and love our military men... but I never saw myself as one in the beginning. Yet, here I am, about to marry a Marine, with a deployment under my belt, understanding that the future is very open to anything. Not a day goes by when I am ecstatic that my Marine is here on U.S. soil again, even if he is miles away from me. What I don't realize everyday is that there are still women who do not have the same luxury as me. Their lovers are miles and miles and miles away from them missing birthdays, the birth of their children, holidays, ordinary days, and days with their soulmates. So much I take for granted in my own life because I'm starting to forget what last year was like.
There is still a great possibility that he will get shipped out again, we won't ever have any certainty until his contract is up, and even then he could get called back out. There is a great chance that I will be living in Jacksonville, this time his wife, and yet alone in our bed because he's in the great sandbox. Though I pray we never have to go through that again, we might and I won't know until the day hits.
Against all odds, last year brought us even closer together--connecting our emotions in ways we never though possible. A deployment is hard... sometimes I don't know whether it is harder on the men serving, or the wives left at home. All I know is that I am leaving in shortly over a week and I can't handle it. I'm not getting deployed or charging into a dangerous situation. I'm leaving to learn and to relax and to have fun but I almost can't bear to leave knowing I won't be able to talk with him for five weeks.
Five weeks... so short in this life and yet he was gone for twelve months. Some men leave for fifteen, eighteen, and miss so much barely clearly hearing the voice of the one they love on a weekly basis, if they are lucky. As I prepare myself to leave, trying to buy last minute items and packing my bag, I wonder how he did it. When I last saw him in May he sent his huge digi's bag home with me to travel with. It was the same bag he lived out of for a year. At one point, his life was confined within the zippers and how did he ever know that when he pulled out a week-old dirty shirt, that it wouldn't be the last time he wore it? I'll be packing several pairs of shoes and enough clothes to last me probably the whole trip, knowing I'll have it all when I get back. He had a few of everything. Enough to last a week or until he could wash the dirty ones. What did he wear when everything was dirty?

I drew a lavender bath tonight to try and relax and probably to try and avoid the inevitable of my leaving. I've wanted to go to Ireland since I was a little girl, and now that the chance is here, I almost can't go because I can't bear to leave my best friend behind. How could he have left knowing he might now come back to see my face? Courage, strength, and love is what he dressed in when everything else failed. And that's what I have to do. I have to hold on to the hope that though life is short, I will be granted more, especially the chance to live when I get back. I have to keep walking forward. My opportunity to travel has been given because of my freedoms, the one he fights for. I just have to pack my own courage, strength, and love.

***

I know that some of you are going through a hard time, maybe a deployment, maybe getting to know one another again, maybe battling loneliness, moving on in life, or just searching. Whatever the feeling is in your life, take hold of the hope placed before you and maybe, just maybe draw a nice bubble bath. It's ok if the tears and the questions come because that helps us move forward. Without questions we wouldn't have anything to search for or to find. Without tears, we'd hold everything inside and wouldn't let go. We all face a deployment period in our life, you know that time when we feel like everything stops and everything is dirty? That's the time when hope is everything. That's the time when we can dress in nothing else. When all we have is courage, strength, and love.

World Traveler

p.s... (from my letter). Since I'm going to be blogging while I'm gone, I decided it would be easier to keep everything in one place so I've created a travel blog. In case I go on hiatus from here, that's where I'll be for the next five weeks!

To Whom it May Concern- Letter from an Ireland bound girl

Dearest Lover, Family, Friends, Faithful Readers of Mine, and the Rest of the World:

This letter is finding it's way onto my blog in order to inform you that I will be traveling to the Emerald Isle for a sabbatical in ten days. Ok, so in reality I'm studying abroad for the second half of my summer term but I like to think of it as a sabbatical and I'll explain more on why that is later. I want you to know that as much as I love every single one of you and hold you dear in my heart, I am planning on being slightly selfish and enjoying the future five weeks of my time in Ireland. I will be blogging as much as I can to keep you up to date on my adventures, but I wanted to let you all into my head before I left.

This letter is in no way to appear sarcastic, satirical, funny, hurtful, or anything but serious, loving, and informative. As most of you know (because I can't stop talking about it) I'm planning on studying abroad in Ireland come the month of July. Things have worked out so wonderfully with my graduating early that I am also able to fulfill my dream of traveling and studying some of my favorite literature and culture before I leave school. I am so very excited and thrilled to be doing this. The only problem is that it comes at a very transitory time of the year and it is only the beginning of my stresses. I know that right now there is a lot going on with each and every one of you, as is most days in this brevity we call life. We fall into the busy days and sometimes we don't give enough attention to the people or things that we should. It's hard to put our focus on just one thing sometimes and we become consumed with something, only to finish it out until the end leaving everything/one behind. At least I know I am capable of doing this.
I want you all to try and understand how much I love you and how much you mean to me. There is a myriad of things going on at this time in all of our lives and I am happy for each and every one of you, whatever direction you are heading in and whatever you are engaged in. If I seem a little preoccupied right now, or maybe as if I don't care, please, please, do not take it personally. I am just a mess of a lot of things right now myself. My mind is going in several different directions trying to get ready for my trip, trying to work super hard and graduate, and trying to plan my wedding. Not to mention moving, a new job in the fall, looking for a job after the fall, and trying to become a good wife. If that's not enough, trust me... my head is full.
Which is why Ireland couldn't come at a better time. I know several people have asked me if I'm really ready to go or if this is turning out to be the wrong time because of everything else I have to do and everything going on with all of you. Though my head feels like it can't take everything right now, especially something as wonderful as traveling, my heart tells me it is right. I want nothing more than to go to Ireland right now in this moment.
I am not a person who can relax and be calm for a long period of time. I stress very easily and usually for a long while. It is a flaw and a downfall. And I can always tell when I'm stressing because I can't pay attention and I stress and get angry at the most minuscule things. Which is why I need this. I hate to do it, but for once in my life, I have to be selfish. Sometimes I take "me time" but it's never really "me time" because I don't relax. I might read for a little bit or go exercise or watch a movie, but my mind is constantly going and worrying about something else; it's constantly moving right now about the fall and my future. Even with all the yoga I have been doing, I feel the stress in my shoulders. I carry everything there. I am tense in my traps and worried about the upcoming year and that is why I need to get away. I need time for me--to breathe, to enjoy, to relax, to get away from everything and everyone here. I need me back if I am ever going to move forward.
It pains me to do this because people (all of you) are important to me. Especially all that is going on in your lives! Even if you think I'm not that social, people are my life. You--my friends and family are so dear to me that I hate leaving you behind and I know I will be homesick because I will miss you terribly. But I have to do this. I've been given a wonderful opportunity that I'm embracing. I'm trying to let go of everything so I can enjoy it. That means no wedding planning, no thinking about school here, no thinking about moving or new jobs, and that means no friends or family and what you are doing.
Don't get me wrong, I will write you, just maybe not letters or emails. I plan to blog while I am there and keep you updated with pictures but I cannot promise anything. I most likely will not be making any phone calls because it costs too much and is a hassle I don't want to deal with. If I have time between classes and/or extra means to the internet between traveling I will email you, I promise that. But, if all I have time for is a blog, then a blog you will get. I'll let everyone know once I get there and that I'm safe, but please don't be hurt or upset if you don't personally hear from me for five weeks. You all will survive. I promise. I know I will.
I'm getting ready to enter into a different part of life here in a few months. I'll be a college graduate in the real world and a wife. It's what I like to look forward too as the start of my life. I love my life now, it is wonderful, I'm just going to be entering into a new phase. A new beginning. And before I even attempt to do that, I have to breathe and prepare myself.
I'm looking at Ireland as a sabbatical (sab·bat·i·cal –noun any extended period of leave from one's customary work, esp. for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc. -adjective bringing a period of rest.) because it is bringing a period of rest into my life. Though it is only a few short weeks, I hope to come back renewed, energized, and ready for whatever life brings at me. I hope this experience changes me and makes me even more faithful, open minded, adventurous, and laid back, but also brings more perseverance, determination, and fun into my life. I hope Ireland turns my mindset to being ready for anything and open to immediate opportunities, helps me understand I cannot always control things, banishes worry, let go of stress, challenges me, makes me take risks, and teaches me to go with the flow. I hope it renews my strength and dignity and helps me to laugh at the days to come. (Prov. 31:25)
Ireland will change me. I know this. Please understand this too: in order for me to change, I have to have me and no one/thing else. I have to focus on my life and what is happening in the moment as it happens. I have to let go of everything that everyone else is doing, and all of my planning and stressing for next year. I need these weeks to be me and Ireland, and nothing else.
I will be different when I get back but look forward to it with me.

Until June 27th when I fly out of this country, take everything I do with ease. My mind is very preoccupied right now and until I am in the Emerald Isle, I will be like this. I am excited, nervous, scared, worried, and stressed all at once. These are a lot of emotions for a small woman like me to handle running through my body. This is a HUGE dream I am accomplishing and something I have never done before and I cannot wait to tell you all about it.
I do care about everything involved in all of your lives, I love you with my heart... I just have to be selfish for a mere moment.

I love you all and I wish you the most wonderful few weeks.
I'll keep you all updated on my trip!

Caitlin

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
-Irish Saying

A lonely gal

Army Wives is my savior. Not die on the cross for my sins kind of savior (that's already taken care of) but my lonely savior. In everything that I'm dealing with and all that I am missing, I am all of these women.
I think right now, as I'm counting down the days until Ireland (11) and my wedding (201), Sunday nights at 10 pm are what I live for. And currently, Mondays at 8. That's right friends I will be glued to my television again in a few short minutes to rewatch episode two. Have I mentioned before that I am so glad this season wasn't last summer's season? Trevor is in Iraq and episode two had me in tears yet again. Pamela (my second favorite Army gal) narrated the premiere, which I really like that feel. This season has also gotten a little more artsy and that only pulls at my emotions more. Anyway back to my thought on Trevor: last night's episode was narrated by him and Claudia Joy. His words are a letter to Roxy and I wanted to look over his shoulder the whole time. It's amazing how much I feel like I can relate to these people and how much it brings back all of my emotions from last summer. In a way that's good because it gets me writing. The military is my muse so the reason is justified.


Which brings me back to Army Wives and the emotions they go through when their husbands are gone. I sympathize. Roxy said last night that she "was lonelier married than she was single" and I totally feel that. I know my marine loves me, he even told me yesterday he'd give me the world if he could afford it, but I feel so much lonelier now than I was before I met him.

One more good thing about Army Wives is the music. I've started a playlist and I'm going to have to buy a few cds here shortly. I've found it's good music to write too (I visualize well). Here's some good ones to check out:

• "Running Away" Midnight Hour
• "Nowhere to Now-Here" The Kin
• "Time" The Kin
• "Embers" Young Galaxy

Off to the show... Enjoy your night everyone!

My heart drops into my stomach...

Four U.S. troops killed in Afghan blast

Roadside bomb targeting police training seriously injures another soldier

MSNBC News Services

updated 37 minutes ago

KABUL, Afghanistan - Four American soldiers were killed by a roadside bomb Saturday in Afghanistan, the U.S. military said.

Lt. Col. David Johnson said the blast targeted a vehicle being used by U.S. personnel to help train the Afghan police. One U.S. soldier was also seriously wounded in the attack in western Farah province.

It was the deadliest attack against U.S. troops in the country this year, officials said.

Marines from the 2nd Battalion, 7th Regiment based in Twentynine Palms, California, arrived in Afghanistan earlier this year and were sent to southern and western Afghanistan to train police.

However, Johnson said he could not immediately confirm that the four personnel killed were Marines.

The bombing comes a day after Defense Secretary Robert Gates told his counterparts in Europe that for the first time, the monthly total of American and allied combat deaths in Afghanistan had exceeded the toll in Iraq during May.

The four deaths bring to at least 44 the number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan this year, according to an Associated Press count. No more than two U.S. personnel had been killed in any one attack in Afghanistan this year, according to the AP tally.

I think this is his BTO. I don't know all the lingo, so I can't be sure... but I'm still worried. They had a deployment in March and one of his good buddies went on his second tour. Coleman. He's supposed to stand beside him at our wedding when he gets back. I can only pray he's fine.

Running epiphonies

Four miles this morning in 39:14. That's pretty good considering I haven't run in awhile and I felt like my lungs wanted to explode out of my chest the whole time. I forgot how hard it is to run in the hotter weather. I've been so used to training in the cool that running this summer has been a challenge for me. It isn't so much the heat, but how heavy the air is with moisture. It pushes against my chest and I feel like my lungs can't expand. Running on short breaths is hard. And I've even been doing well with my yoga to work on my breathing. (It's amazing how a few deep breaths can really relax you.)

I also had the epiphony that I need to write more. More of my creative stuff. I have trouble doing that too because I can never find the time to do it. When I finally have time, I feel like there's something else I should be doing. But I feel that with my writing, like running, I will lose it if I don't do it. I've got so much in my head from last summer alone that I want to write about (Sorry Lib, it's all military mushy love stuff) and if I don't write about it I'm going to forget it. I still remember everything as clear, especially my emotions, but I need to get it all down before it escapes me.
But for now, I'm going to go stretch, clean up, and shop. I haven't shopped in a while, nor do I usually, but I need stuff for Ireland. After all, I only have 13 more days.

Thoughts on a Friday the 13th

1. As I write, I am currently holding my chemistry notebook in my hands for the studying I should be doing. Considering I have a test in 59 minutes, I would rather write. Hmmm, does that say much for my feelings about science? Oh Chemistry, How do I loathe thee... Let me count the ways...

2. Well, one for I don't understand it. Numbers swarm in my head and then when we have to figure out charges I still don't understand how if Flouride loses an electron it becomes positive?????

3. I'm going to quit counting, there's no reason to waste prefectly goof writing space on Chemistry.

4. It's raining again this morning. Quite appropriate for the day but I really wish it would stop. The flooding is getting ridiculous. Luckily, Terre Haute hasn't been quite as effected as say, Iowa, but we had some horrible flooding earlier in the week. A good friend of mine got married on Saturday only to realize they lost their apartment that afternoon. I'm almost ready to start digging a hole in the ground so the water has somewhere to go.

5. Only 49 days, 16 hours, and 25 minutes until Breaking Dawn. I'm still dreaming about Edward but that could be because I'm starting to reread the series. This really is a love affair. I should probably tell Wayne. Sometimes I feel like I am Bella though. I'm clumsy, just like her, only I don't put myself in the hospital. I don't know how she is going to make the choice between Edward and Jacob. Granted she already did choose, but I just have this feeling... All I know is I'm having a hard time choosing. I mean, I am in love with Edward. He's a wonderful character and Jacob really got on my nerves through the first book, I didn't give him the time of day( which he deserved) in book two because I was so busy waiting for Edward to come back, but in book three, I fell in love. He got to me. Maybe it's because he never wears a shirt?? (And I vividly picture everything I read.) I can't wait though for the release, until then, I'll keep dreaming.

6. I'm finally getting back into my yoga practice. It's been on and off for the past two years but I've been reading about it a lot lately for my health class and I've decided it's definitely something I need to practice and dedicate myself to everyday. Considering how easily I stress alone I need to make the time for it. After a solid week of doing it, I'm feeling wonderful.

7. I suppose I should get back to my studying. Blah.

Hope never disappears

I just watched the first episode of Army Wives season two again. And I cried. Again. Lifetime was reshowing it so I had to tune in. I have a feeling this season is going to be so much better, but also full of more emotion. Most of the husbands are actually deployed this time and Trevor will be in Iraq. If this season had happened last summer, I would have been in pieces.
I watch Army Wives because I have a heart for soldiers and their families. And because I'm so proud of who they are.

It's so hard now...some days I can't stop the tears and everyday I surrender to the hurt in my heart. Breathing doesn't get any easier as long as I'm away but God knows myplans. And those plans hold nothing that will harm me Only that which will give me hope. I will unswervingly hold onto that hope knowing that someday God will do something beautiful.

Rain, rain go away...

Finally, the sun has returned. I've been thinking that it somehow died. I just hope it lasts.

On a brighter note, the Army Wives Marathon began 19 minutes ago and season 2 starts tomorrow. I can't wait!!!

5 Thoughts on a Friday

1. I cannot for the life of me get Edward Cullen out of my head. I dreamed about him last night as if I was Bella, but he said my name--Caitlin. He was my love and I felt every bit of him, even the cold touch of his body when he felt my heart. Let me set this straight for the confused souls, Edward is character in the latest book saga I'm addicted too, and what's even more crazy is he's a vampire. I picked up the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer last week and in the course of six days I'm already halfway through the third one. Twilight and New Moon were both amazing. Eclipse just keeps getting better, and though I am in love with Edward, I'm also starting to develop feelings for Jacob. I'm reading this one a little more slowly because I think I subconsciously realize I have to wait. There's nothing after this one for another 57 days. Only a nerd like me could understand my love affair with a character. It's a beautiful feeling.

2. So far this is the most boring summer of my existence. AND the worst part is that this could possibly be the last free summer of my life. I have to enter the real world here shortly and so, summer will become just a few more months in a year. Nothing special. I'm glad I'm going to Ireland in 21 days. It really can't come soon enough.

3. I really want to run. It has been pouring rain CONSTANTLY all week. Now, running in the rain is nice, especially in the heat, but this rain has been in the form of thunderstorms. I usually don't mind storms, though as a kid I was terrified, but this week has been kind of rough. I've been by myself a lot, living on the second floor of an apartment complex, and these storms have been bad! Terrible wind and just popping up from nowhere. I hope Ireland rain is not as scary.

4.My chem test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be today. Yay. I might pass after all.

5. I'm so bored I'm going to watch Cast Away. Maybe I won't feel as alone then.

Tightness in my chest

I'm bored.
Completely.
I have to take science classes in the morning and then I sit in an office all day working. I finished the book I was reading today (New Moon) and now I need another one. I'm tired of being bored. I don't do bored well. As you can all tell by now.

Really. Summer can be such a great time but it feels so cluttered up by taking classes. I'm ready for the end of the month and my trip to Ireland. I know I will still be taking classes (and writing a lot of papers) but it's the fact that I won't be here that entices me. I'm the type of person that can't relax. Well, hardly relax. When I'm given the opportunity I automatically feel like there is something I am supposed to be doing or somewhere I need to go. Take for instance this past week. I go through my daily routine - class, work, then home for the night (at 4). I have roughly about 6 hours to relax and do whatever before I hit the sack and go to bed. Yet, I've had trouble staying in my apartment. It's like, I feel as if I need to GO somewhere, DO something, to have any affect on me. I did spend a lot of my evenings reading on my couch, but when I wasn't reading, I needed to be doing something else. I couldn't just turn on the T.V. and watch it or pop in a movie, or even hang out with a friend. I just et this tight feeling in my chest almost as if I can't breathe. When that happens, I have to get out.
In this crazy busy world that too often drags me down and stresses me out, how can I not embrace the opportunity I have to relax and sit down? How can I not breathe and enjoy the moment? I think back to last summer when I spent a few months in Florida. I didn't have any trouble relaxing. I don't know if that is because I could go to the beach everyday if I wanted (and the beach is my muse. My home. Part of my soul.) or if it was because I just felt myself there?
I don't feel myself here.
By that, I'm tired of the Midwest. I'm tired of the place I'm in. I want to be done, out, doing something different. It's so hard to relax here. Maybe it's because it feels like life has to be busy all the time. Like life IS busy all the time. There's no place to go to just sit and enjoy nature, to sit and relax. Matter is constantly moving here (ok, hyperbole but you get the point). It just feels like everyone and everything can't sit still. And that's where I fall into place.
I'm in a transitioning that I have been in for three years. It's called college life, but I'm at the point where I want to be done, out, vamoosed. I want a life. A real life with a husband and a house and a job. I just want to feel like I can breath again.

And I can't do that until I feel the salt on my face.

Hanging upside down

Is it normal at my age to not know what I want to do for the rest of my life career wise? With my college graduation looming in the near distance, I have no idea what kind of job I want.
I chose my degree, English, because I like it. I enjoy reading, I enjoy literature, the classics, studying, and even on occasion writing an essay. Unfortunately, the only way I can use that to ever make money is to become a professor or teacher myself. Something I can't ever see me doing, but everyone else always could.
I'm not made to be a teacher, but to learn. I'm not made to explain, but to explore. I'm built to think, to soak knowledge up like a sponge. I'm an artist. I'm creative. I'm an old soul. I write.

Yet, these are the things that can't bring in a decent revenue to live off of. I'm trying and trying to think soundly and adultly so I can find a good job, yet nothing trapping me in a cubicle, an office, or behind a desk will make me happy unless it is in my own little office typing up my novel.
I have ideas. My mind is full and ready to explode, but I'm not in the right place. My muse is not the middle of Indiana and school keeps me so busy I can't seem to find hours to let my mind escape. I need sleep and so instead of staying up and writing, I keep it all in hoping that one day I can write it all out. It's hard. All I want to do is write and hopefully, hopefully get something published. Until then, I have to make amends.

I've thought about working in a bookstore again when I graduate, or maybe even Starbucks (my addictions you know.. I want to ENJOY my days). I mean, Starbucks does have benefits. There were once explained to me as "high school" jobs so I guess that's out. I've even dreamed of having my own bookstore or my own little coffee shop but what small town graduate has enough money to start her own business.
And what small town, middle of nowhere girl could ever be a published writer?
Running and working out is another love of mine so I've thought about taking the direction of personal training. At least I can make a decent living with that and hopefully enjoy what I do.

I just feel like I'm hanging upside down sometimes with nowhere to go but up. Only, I don't know which way is up.