Today is the very last day of 2008 and I'm doing something drastic.
To ring in new beginnings, I'm cleaning up my blog and deleting some posts, so in case you have the itch to peruse through my past years or so, some writings might be missing. I honestly feel it's the only way to really, really start over. I can't change the past, nor would I want too because I would not be who I am today had life not happened as it had, but I'm letting go of some memories. I've heard before that time and experiences don't always matter, it's the memories that count and I like that idea. No matter what we do, we never truly lose our memories. They may fade with time and age, and each day it may be harder to grasp onto those wonderful times, but in memory, we can relive anything we want too, no matter the age.
But today, I'm ready to let some fade in order to make room for a year of more memories.
I challenge you to find something this past year you're holding onto and let it go. Let the empty space be made whole again.
I found a blog today that really spoke to me because I felt so connected and has caused me to write a post. I know I haven't been writing much lately, it just seems that when I get so busy or inadvertently stressed, my writing suffers, which in turn depresses me because writing has always been my outlet and part of my strength. I hate not being able to write when it is what I feel compelled to do.
My writing centers around my beautiful God, running, faith, and just my life. But for the past four months I've felt like all that has disappeared. I haven't been to church in a while, I can't find a church where I feel comfortable. I've found myself not reading my bible too often, and sometimes I can make it through a whole day only saying a few words to God. I run everyday, but its just running these days. Though my life is moving forward and I'm feeling happy again, I still feel like I'm just living a routine. I can't find my pace nor lose myself in my steps. And though it is there, my faith feels so broken.
Because I feel so broken.
I've gone through my blog from the past months and any onlooker would think I'm bipolar because my posts seem to shift from happy to sad to happy again, each day something different. I don't think bipolar is the case, but I do think my posts show the struggle I have and still am facing. When our lives are shaken, they are shaken and it's never an easy journey nor a fast one. Which is why I am nothing but honest in my writing, even if the only people who read this are strangers.
I am human and I am struggling, but the one thing I do hold onto is hope. I may feel weaker in my faith than I have ever felt before, I may be questioning, struggling, feeling uncomfortable, but I do know above all else that God is there and loves me, even if I can't feel him as strongly as I used too. I struggle with sin, with guilt, with understanding, and with accepting grace because I know that I do not deserve it. But then again, do we ever deserve anything in this life? Even this life? No... we don't, but I guess that is what grace is. However, knowing that I am a dirty, broken, ragamuffin sinner makes it hard sometimes.
Which is where this post comes in. I suppose I'm confessing but also looking for a new beginning. I very strongly feel that I need a new one and I want to find it. Not in anything of this world or things like that... but a new beginning in my faith. I know it's still going to be a long, hard journey but I have to search, I have to continue to hope that I can move forward. So, considering I am stressed out of my mind because of the end of the semester wrap out... I'm taking a small hiatus from writing. I'm going to try to clear my head of school and hopefully during my break, come back with the beginning of my journey. I'll probably be revamping my blog again and my writing, but I want to write from my heart again. I want to feel compelled again. I want to heal.
And everything that hurts will be whole again -Robbie Seay Band "Love Wins"
I am a writer who also happens to have the soul of a runner. I wish to share my heart with the world.
I exist in the beauty of my Creator and I have been created for such a time as this.
I need hope, coffee, and running for each new day.
There is nothing better than love given through grace.
And I am joyful and blessed beyond what I will ever deserve in this beautiful life.
Simply, I'm a woman embracing the world seeing where my next step takes me.
I am in love with my Creator and I have been created for such a time as this. I get extremely happy when I have a cup of coffee in my hand, though I drink way too much; very sweet and usually caramely or white chocolately is how I prefer my vice. Running is my life metaphor and I hope to never stop. I plan on running marathons when I'm 80. I am passionate about my family and friends, writing, Ireland, literature, coffee, soldiers, running, and Pittsburgh... not necessarily in that order.
Simply, I'm a woman embracing the world seeing where my next step takes me.
"My life can only ever be a lesson to me. The four key things that it has taught me thus far: After night comes day. After death comes life. Even at your darkest time look around because you are never really alone. You are loved." -Pack up the Moon
"Forget what happened before, and DO NOT think about the past. Look at the new thing I am GOING to do. It is already happening. Don't you see it?" -Isaiah 43:18
"I am your refuge and your strength. Even though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, do not fear. I am an ever present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1-3
"But pain is hard to put into words and in life there is always pain. It's natural as birth or death. Pain makes us who we are, it teaches us and tames us, it can destroy us and it can save. We all have regrets--Some tragedies are of our doing and then sometimes things happen that are out of this world's control and when it happens, it can take our breath away. Happiness is a gift. It washes its warmth over us and reminds us of beauty." -Pack up the Moon
"I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying. 'You are my God!' My future is in your hands." -Psalm 31:10, 14-15
"There's nothing better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve." - Og Mandino
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. " -Henry David Thoreau
"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends!" -Lamentations 3:21
A Runner
I am a passionate about running. It is in my soul.
"The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running." -Nike running poster
"I ran to be free; I ran to avoid pain; I ran to feel pain; I ran our of love and hate and anger and joy." -DAGNY SCOTT
"Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing." -GEORGE SHEENAN
"Learn to run when feeling the pain: then push harder." -WILLIAM SIGEI
"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -DR. GEORGE SHEEHAN
"If you want to become the best runner you can be, start now. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering if you can do it." -PRISCILLA WELCH
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world is a mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How muc you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if yo uknow what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit and not pointing fingers saying you ain't wher eyo uare because of him, or her, or anybody." -ROCKY BALBOA
"You were born to run. Maybe not that fast, maybe not that far, maybe not as efficiently as others. But to get up and move, to fire up that entire energy-producing, oxygen-delivering, bone-strengthening process we call running." -FLORENCE GRIFFITH JOYNER and JON HANC
"Running is a thing worth doing not because of the future rewards it bestows, but because of how it feeds our bodies and minds and souls in the present." -KEVIN NELSON
"Running is elementary. It is elegant in its simplicity." -JOHN BINGHAM, The Courage To Start
