Snapshots of an Ordinary Woman

Retirement

2009-05-20T15:33:00.002-04:00

Hello world and faithful readers. I love each and every one of you! Thank you so much for reading my blog and being a part of my life as I rambled on and on over the last couple of years. "Snapshots" has been a wonderful outlet for me and an amazing adventure. And I've even had the joy of running across some wonderful blogs through by you!
I've mentioned a few times in the last months that my goal was to create a new blog and get it up and running. Well, today is the day. From Sole to Soul is the place where you can find me now as I put Snapshots of an Ordinary Woman into retirement. I hope you'll continue to laugh along, maybe cry some, and always smile with me as I write about life in a slightly more focused way.

Again, thank you for reading and commenting and being there for me in life when I needed you most. I'm so grateful.

xoxo

My life today

2009-04-26T08:25:00.002-04:00

I apologize. I have disappeared for a while.....This semester has been extremely busy between trying to finish up school, working, track, working on the new blog, and recently job and apartment searching.
But, I will be a college graduate in 13 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe it. It's such an amazing feeling.

Mornings like today are my favorite. I woke up to sunshine and perfect degree weather. I have time to sit and enjoy my coffee before getting ready for church. I think I'm starting to find my morning person again, it's always hard to enjoy the day when you wake up in the dark of winter. Sometimes I wish I could just skip over those few months every year.....

I thought I'd give you all a little update of my life while I can. School is going well. It's been very busy and very stressful, but I'm almost done. A few more papers and two days of intensive finals and I'm done with my undergraduate career. Wow. Then, one class this summer, with a lot of free time around that, and I'll start teaching some entry level writing classes this fall. I better study up on my comma usage. :) I'm hoping to have a really good summer. Mostly working and then my Irish lit class. But I also have to study up on my French so I can pass the language exam in the fall. I'm also hoping to get into my yoga again. I've been working on it for the past month, trying to help myself relax but also compliment the running I haven't been doing.

Next subject: my hip. I had my MRI and what was explained to me was that I have extra fluid in the joint, as well as the pelvic area. So... more tests and more doctor mumbo jumbo. My outdoor season was pretty much over at the beginning, but actually, I'm ok with that because I didn't need the running as much as I did last fall. And I'm at the point where I want my injury healed so I can run later. I want to do a marathon sometime soon....

I've also been job and apartment searching. Apartment=check. I have the two best roommates for next year and we sign the lease on Friday. Then it's finals and moving! Busy busy but great. My new place is across town from where I am at now, but it has carpet! I have been so tired of living on tile floor for the past years, if anything I really think the carpet is going to make it feel like a home. One of my roommates and I are already collecting pictures to cover our walls. It'll be good living with people again, and the three of us are all so individual, we'll have no problem getting along. As for the job, I had a phone interview this week with a bank, and I have an interview on Monday for a waitressing job. As much as I'd love the salary of the bank job, I'm afraid the hours aren't going to be the easiest to work with... and besides, my mom always says everyone needs a little food service experience. And I love people, and I love to write so a waitressing job somewhere will probably be perfect for me.

The new blog is slowly looking great. I haven't written on it yet, as promised, I'm waiting until summer... and when I do start, I'll link from here so you all have the new web address. Since my focus for my master's is in writing, I'm really hoping that my blog will be a place where I can focus on crafting my work instead of just randomly writing, but don't worry, that part of my writing won't completely disappear. I'll still be there. I just looking at it as a progression....

So friends, I hope life is wonderful where ever you are at! Find the good today and it will be...
XOXO

Thought on a Friday

2009-04-03T08:27:00.002-04:00

Thanks to April Fool's, I'm pretty sure it has just been one of those weeks.

It's Friday morning, I walk into a crazy office where everything is dumped on me, on top of a headache, and a bad night before.
Five weeks....that's all I keep telling myself. My mantra right now. Five weeks and all of this (school, work, stress) is gone.
Five weeks.

3 Thoughts on a Friday

2009-03-13T08:52:00.002-04:00

I must thoroughly be enjoying Spring break because my days have been complete off! I thought yesterday was Wednesday and I didn't even realize today was Friday the 13th!

1. I really can't believe it's Friday already. The weeks NEVER go this fast when I'm in classes. I don't regret staying at home over my break (not like I really could have done anything else anyway...) but I can say this week has gotten me ready for summer. Sure, it isn't as warm as it was on Monday, but the whole not doing anything but working is actually a nice break. I've forgotten how wonderful summer is. I don't plan on traveling anywhere major for a long time, my summer will mostly be spent here in town (in a new apartment!) and hopefully serving up coffee or selling books.

2. I'm headed out to Indy again tonight with the bestie to a friend's house. Our original plan was to go to a club and dance our stresses away, but then the girl who had the idea up and went to Florida on us. So now, it's just chilling with some friends and a hot tub. I like that idea. I should really do this de-stress thing more often... except I don't always know how.

3. After today, only 8 more weeks of my undergraduate career left! I cannot believe it is almost time for me to graduate... it's just ridiculous. I'm so glad I am where I am today, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Life still has it's rocky moments (but when do it not?) but, learning how to handle sudden change, to be able to move forward, to accept life for what it is and still being able to love is worth everything. I'm not saying I'd do it all again but I'm not saying I'd go back and change my life either. I've always heard acceptance is always the hardest step and it is... I'm still going through it. But I'm going through it. And that is what matters.

Have a good weekend everyone!

A Note on the Change (did you notice it?)

2009-03-12T13:09:00.003-04:00

Hello World!!!!!!!!

Oh how spring break feels wonderful, even if I have just stayed at home all week. I've been resting and getting things done which is what I have needed to do. Once again my blog has changed... I know, I know, I can't seem to keep things straight around these parts. Anyway, just my title has changed, that's all.
I switched it back to what it used to be because I'm starting a new blog. And again, I know I've done that before. I had my travel blog, and my free write blog, but those are done and gone! This one will stay around, it's been my life for the past two years... but with everything changing, I want something new, something more focused. I'm not going to get it up and running just yet, it's a work in progress. So until I do, I'll still write here. But... eventually, it will be time to retire my first outlet.
I've just had time to think this week, and though I love writing on this blog, and everyone reading it, I'm just a new person. I need to move on from some of this (I deleted some posts already) and focus more on my writing. This has kind of been like a sporadic outpouring for me, and thank you to all who have read and kept up and put up with all of my words. I love you for that. I just feel that I'm ready to become more focused in my writing. Be a little more serious, more crafty, more purposeful in what I say than just sporadic. I look to try to start things in the summer, maybe before I start grad school.... Snapshots feels like my undergrad blog almost, my 'life before.' There is so much I haven't written about and so much I want to write about.... I need a different outlet. So friends, keep reading. I've still got eight weeks of my sporadic and crazy undergraduate life to write about.

Here's to a good day!!

I think I can make it....

2009-03-04T20:57:00.002-05:00

If I don't make it to spring break in two days, I might just collapse.

Actually, I don't have class on Friday, so technically tomorrow is all I have to make it through. Yet I have to finish a paper, study for a midterm, write some journal entries, apply for an award and somewhere in all of that find enough rest so I can workout tomorrow afternoon.

Along with my mind my body is broken.

Oh why oh why did I sign up for two more years?....Off to work.

4 Thoughts on a Friday

2009-02-27T09:25:00.002-05:00

Happy Friday!!! After a decently busy week (as usual) I'm living my favorite day with a scatterbrained mind:

1. Only one more week until Spring Break, however, these next seven days are going to be the seven busiest days of my life considering I have three papers due, due award applications, and homework. But, a week of freedom will be bliss. I still have no plans (there's talk of camping, of St. Petersburg, of Ireland...not really)but I have this feeling it's going to be here at home where I plant myself and enjoy sleeping in and doing absolutely nothing. As long as I'm with friends and my love, it doesn't really matter where I am.

2. I finally saw the team doc on Tuesday and the diagnosis wasn't as bad as I thought. No amputation! :) After some rigorous testing, he concluded I just have a weak hip. The muscles seems to not want to absorb energy as well as they do on my other joint. So, I'm off running for three weeks and strength training like you wouldn't believe. The off running part isn't as bad as I thought since I'm in between indoor and outdoor seasons. It's actually the best time to be cross training right now. As for strength training, I'm working with the trainer three days a week and in the weight room the other two. Rest on weekends. So far, I've done two days and I can barely feel my legs. I am so sore, but taking the pain in hopes that this hip gets better. I'd rather have to strength train/lift the rest of my life to keep my hip functioning without pain so I can run, than to have surgery and be sidelined for the next however many years I have left.

3. There are only 70 days until I graduate from college. Yesterday I acquired my cap and gown and it's so crazy to think I'm almost done. This last year is going way to fast, part of me thinks, but I'm also excited. I'm looking forward to a nice summer break and teaching/writing in the fall. I may only have freshman but I'll be teaching college and possibly working on what may become my best selling novel. I never, ever saw that one coming.

4. Life is just good. There are so many things I could be worrying about these days, but I have a wonderful family who I care deeply for, the most amazing friends who make my life so fun and who I hold as my sisters, and someone to love and spend my days with. Love, in all of those aspects, outweighs everything else.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Catching Zzzz's

2009-02-20T18:57:00.001-05:00

For some reason tonight, I am extremely exhausted. I feel like I've not slept in a week and I have absolutely no energy to do anything.
Which isn't good considering the amount of homework calling my name this weekend....
Not to mention I should probably cook dinner.

5 Thoughts on a Friday

2009-02-20T10:41:00.004-05:00

1. TGIF!! Thank goodness it's Friday. After all my thinking about this being an decent and fairly easy semester, I was so wrong. I look forward to Fridays like I've never looked to them before. Something about knowing I can sleep in tomorrow, if only for an extra hour. Something about knowing I have two days to get a million things done, but still feeling like I'll have some free time in there. I think I love Fridays as much as I loath Wednesdays.

2. I made the mistake of going to the humane society yesterday. I had a litle free time in the afternoon and so I went just to play with the puppies for a little bit. I can't help it, I've been wanting a dog ever since I moved into my apartment two years ago. Even though it's against my least, which is the main reason I haven't gotten one yet. Plus I know they are a lot of responsibility and I want to be fair to him. With me being gone all day, it just isn't fair. So... until I can handle (and afford) one, I'll live a dogless life.

3. On the other hand, I've found two (that's right, two!) roommates for next year! I'm finally not going to be living alone anymore! Not to say that I haven't enjoyed my own place, but I just think I'm at a point where I'm ready to have roommates. The best part about this, besides living with the two coolest people I know, is that it's a really nice place and will be really cheap split between us.

4. Turns out my hip problem might be worse than I thought. The trainer still isn't really sure what's wrong with it so I have to get an X-ray on Monday and see the team Doctor on Tuesday. The trainer thinks it could be a tear somewhere, or something out of place in my joint. Pretty much, it's important that we get it fixed so I can be active later in life. I don't really mind if I end up sitting out for outdoor season... what's important is that I get fixed. I don't want to be sedentary or put on restriction for the rest of my life. I've got to keep running marathons after all.

5. I got some news that rocked my world a little bit this week but things are ok. I know my post (and this) is a little criptic, but more will come later. I'm just not ready to express things yet, however, God is good and I'm starting to see how things really do happen for a reason. God's plan is so much bigger than mine and I couldn't be more thankful that he saw fit to lead my life in the direction that it is headed right now.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

A little word vomit...

2009-02-18T13:06:00.003-05:00

For some reason, I firmly believe that Wednesdays are against me.
Wednesday's are plotting.

Wednesdays are just like Mondays and Fridays: I work, I go to class, I go to practice, clean-up, eat, homework, sleep; however, the one difference is I do have night class but it's poetry so I love it.
Yet, every Wednesday I have been extremely tired, stressed, either snowed in or rained on, and felt like a little something was thrown at me.

Today, it rained again. And a little more then literally, there was some figurative rain too.
I can't completely grasp it yet, I just needed to word vomit because I'm a shocked and my sorts are off.

Everyone in my life is ok, things are ok, it's just life happens sometimes and changes and you all know I'll be blogging about it sometime. So bear with me and please, please don't let the Wednesday's get to you too.

CNF Memoir

2009-02-09T20:04:00.002-05:00

Just a piece I wrote for CNF class a couple of weeks ago... forgot to post it. I've got another one from last semester that's longer but I'll post that soon.

Beheading Betsy

Betsy died the day my brother pulled her head off. He giggled wickedly while he dropped it and watched it roll down the slight incline on the wooden floor stopping calmly at my toes. I looked down and Betsy was smiling up at me. Four and shocked, I bent down, palmed her little ragdoll head, wound up, and threw it back at him. It bounced off his face and he started crying. I felt horrible. Not for my brother, for Betsy. She was already in immense pain from having her brain broken and here I was throwing around her head. I was probably the worst friend in the world.
Matthew, my brother, ran off to his room crying and probably going to protect Bobby, Betsy’s brother. I was more concerned about my little ragdoll friend, and if she’d ever be ok again. I walked over and crawled underneath the dining room table to retrieve Betsy’s head from the fort, where it had landed this time. I started crying because I was scared for her and whether or not she would make it through this first brain surgery she was going to have to have. I picked up her head and that little sewn on red mouth was smiling at me. She was always smiling.

* * *

I got my first Betsy from my Grandma when I turned one. Grandma and I were shopping at a craft fair, I was more than likely just tagging along, and I saw this little ragdoll with an oval shaped head, blue bonnet, and heart shaped smile that I absolutely fell in love with. She didn’t come home with me that day instead ending up as a birthday present months later. Betsy and I shared the same birthday that way.
She was special because she had a small neck and a big heart. Her head was only attached by a single string which in essence made the doll fun for my brother. He would torture me by turning her head all the way around, and occasionally pulling it off when we were fighting. I loved her because her heart was sewn onto her chest and I could tell she easily she loved me, despite all the torture from my brother. She was his friend too.

* * *

“Grandpa, is Maffew going to be ok?”
“Yes, he’s going to be fine Catie, He just has to have a little surgery where the doctor makes a tiny cut in his stomach and take his appendix out.”
“But won’t that hurt?”
“Not during the surgery, but probably after, so you’re going to have to be awful nice to him when he comes home.”
“I suppose I can do that.”
Matthew was two when his appendix ruptured and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a little boy hurt so much. As the big sister I wanted to take care of him, but at four I didn’t know how. Except for Betsy. Even though he had pulled her head off a million times and Grandma had to perform “brain surgery” to sew it back on, I still offered her to him for comfort, but he didn’t want a girly doll.
There he was laying on the couch all curled up under a blanket, face twisting in pain, little tears coming out of his eyes. I want kiss him on the cheek, but Mom said I couldn’t, I thought to myself. I know! If I can’t touch him, Betsy can!
Slithering across the carpet, trying to be as sneaky as possibly, I glance through the dining room to see Mom’s back at the sink. I had my break. Slithering some more and making it to the bottom of the couch, I slowly lift Betsy up and over the edge, laying her down beside Matt. Next thing I knew Betsy was flying at the tv!
My brother may have only been two, but he sure didn’t want a girly doll. I just wanted him to feel better.
* * *
After a few years and many brain surgeries, Betsy got really sick and couldn’t be fixed anymore. I honestly didn’t know what happened to her after she was replaced, but I could always tell the difference between my first Betsy and Betsy number 2, her heart wasn’t sewn on. It was merely painted with fabric paint. Somehow though, that didn’t matter as much to me even though that was an important part of my friend the first time around. Her smile has stayed the same, a thin red line with a heart in the middle and this time Betsy came with a brother, Bobby.
We were pretty alike, Betsy and I, except I had a little more hair than the tiny black tuft on her forehead. I could tell from the first time she laid eyes on him, Betsy loved her brother Bobby. It was a good thing Matthew got him while staying in the hospital, because if he hadn’t, I would have made him suffer with a girly doll during his recovery.
It was always the four of us from there on out. We experienced a lot of brain surgeries but Betsy and Bobby always kept Matthew and I smiling through the sad times.

* * *
The last time I was at my grandma's I went into her craft room to find my first Betsy because I had a hunch she was in there. Somehow, I knew my mother had never gotten rid of her, but I didn't think she was fixed either. Sure enough, there she was sitting on the shelf in a plastic bad to keep her from getting more worn and aged from the air. Her head sat beside her in the bag, smiling her little red smile with her heart shaped lips. I though about my brother and the skin biopsy he just had done, being the big sister and wanting to take care of him. I looked at Betsy again, in pieces but still smiling. And how Bobby, stuffed in a box somewhere, was probably smiling too.

3Thoughts on a Friday

2009-02-06T09:59:00.004-05:00

Ah, Friday is here!! After a ridiculously crazy week I'm so glad for today. I have about a million things to do this weekend, as usual, so I assume it's going to go by fast. But two days of sleeping in will still make the weekend worth it.

1. Biggest news of the week--I have a jacked up hip accoring to the Athletic trainer; however, I will still be able to run at the Depauw meet tonight. About three years ago I had my hip pulled out of socket and it's kind of given me heck since then. The inside joint pops, cracks, and occaisionally catches on me, yet I still run through it. I must have a higher pain tolerence to be able to have ignored it for so long, yet I think the idea of not running hurts me more than the actual pain... which is why I haven't had it looked at. But, having been hardcore training since August, the top part of my hip (almost like the bone) has started giving me trouble and last week I finally went to the trainer because the pain was so unbearable one day. I think I've been avoiding him for fear of telling me I can't run. I cross trained most of the week, iced, and did some exercizes because there's a possiblilty I have two different problems in my joint... but yesterday I went for a 20 minute light run and for the first time in awhile where I didn't have pain while I was running. Now, it ached all day and all night, but the pain during the movement of actually running was calmed down. That was good enough for the trainer to give me the A-OK to run tonight. I'm doing the 800 again, and with all my rest I'm hoping for a PR tonight. And no pain.

2. My other news of the week thta's exciting is getting accepted in the M.A. English program here! I suppose I'm looking forward to reading and analyzing a ton more literature, but since my specialization will be in writing, I'll be doing a creative thesis instead of a ton of research. I'm slightly nervous to start grad school because I heard some of my soon-to-be classmates talking about how the undergrad program here didn't prepare them for the shift into grad school, where they are writing 20-30 page papers. I like to write, but only that much if it is creative... needless to say, I'm excited, but really nervous at the same time.

3. As usual, I thought I had more going through my head but I'm working at the gym today so the noise of the treadmills is probably rattling the words around in my brain. Guess for now this is it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Good News

2009-02-03T20:50:00.002-05:00

Because I was so excited have haven't posted the news yet, (and I'm still avoiding my essay)I found out Friday that I got into the M.A. program here at school!!
So, come fall I will be a grad student studying English with my emphasis in Creative Writing. Hello book.

Oh, and did I mention... STEELERS ARE THE SUPERBOWL XLIII CHAMPS!!!!!!
And I just won myself a nice little trip to Pittsburgh.

Best year of my life so far.

Hating the Bard

2009-02-03T20:23:00.004-05:00

A week ago I liked Shakespeare.

Now I hate the Bard.

I have dreaded this class for the last three years, only because I knew it was inevitable, a requirement to graduate. So, I put it off until my last semester when I figured I would be wise and analytical and ready to take on his plays. The first few weeks have gone well, I am actually understanding what I am reading and I've enjoyed discussing things in class. HOWEVER, now that I have a paper due Thursday I cannot understand anything that I am supposed to write about. I couldn't pull my own topic out so I'm going with a prompt. But by the time I actually sit down to write at night, I'm exhausted. A day of work, class, practice, and then coming home to clean-up and cook a healthy meal. It's 8 o'clock. Who wants to write about Shakespeare that late anyway?

Not me, but I have too... I'm up to 766 words, so about 200 more from last night when I gave up. I only have to make it to 1000 but this last page is just so hard.

This, however, is my friend.

3 Thoughts on a Friday

2009-01-30T10:49:00.003-05:00

Happy Friday everyone!!
And what a happy day it is...

1. SUPERBOWL SUNDAY is only two days away and I cannot wait to watch the Steelers dominate the Cardinals. It's going to be an amazing game and granted we do win, I've already got some ideas for a new essay about Pittsburgh. Oh, and I'll be traveling there. :) I made a bet with the boy, actually, it was his idea because he's just bound and determined Pittsburgh is going to lose. So if by some off turn of the universe they do, I have to hang some stupid Red Wings poster in my apartment for all of eternity. But when the Steelers win on Sunday, he has to take me to Pittsburgh, dinner as some fancy restaurant there, and on a tour of Hines field, and Mellon arena. Pretty big stakes for him, I can't wait.

2. It snowed like crazy here this week, totaling about 9 inches on Wednesday. Campus closed down for the morning and evening, too bad my only class was in the afternoon!!! I really haven't had much time to play in it, but I've thrown a few snowballs. And fallen. I slipped yesterday and fell down about seven stairs. I was ok until I woke up this morning with a really stiff and sore back. Such a klutz.

3. I'm slowing finding my gray. I look at life as so black and white sometimes, that I think I set myself up for misery and failure. I guess, sometimes it's just easier to feel miserable, but I don't understand why I grasp so hard on my sad days because all I really want is happiness. And I deserve happiness, we all do. I've be looking over my writing in my journals (the things I don't post on here) and I've noticed a trend. I've been writing about my happiness. I've had many more happy days than sad, yet, I don't allow myself to be happy all the time. It's like I find reason to be sad. With that said, it's over now. It's time for happiness.

Enjoy your weekend everyone! Root for the Steelers!!

Toubled soul don't lose your way...

2009-01-21T08:28:00.005-05:00

I woke up with a very heavy feeling this morning, very discouraged. It seems to be the time of the year where sadness and depression hits everyone, but then again, I've had a lot of discouraging days these past six months. But I've also had a lot of good days, days full of hope. God kind of knocked me upside the head this morning with this verse. I sat down to drink my coffee and spend time with him, and when I opened to my devotional, this verse was the first thing I read: Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!
-Psalm 43:5

Some days, it seems like I can barely get myself out of bed. My eyelids are so heavy and I don't want to face the world. Those are usually the days where I end up with a hurting heart and tears for the past. Things I don't want to think about anymore. Things which I've let go of, but not completely healed from. Then again, pain takes a long while to get past. And the thing is, I know my pain is nothing compared to others that hurt. I look into the eyes of people I know, of people I don't know... I read stories in the paper, see things on the tv, and I see pain in their eyes. And I know this isn't the last time I will hurt either. The truth is, this is the kind of world we live in. One with pain and suffering and depression and burdens.

When I think about the hurt we all harbor, it's hard not to let it consume me. In the Bible is calls us to carry one another's burdens, and my mother tells me I take that too truthfully sometimes. I feel like I was born with this giant heart that keeps growing as I age. I want to take the hurt from people I see, or at least share with them the one thing that can sooth that hurt, if even for a moment. Hope in Him.

I've had a new song on my mind for the past weeks, "There will be a Day" by Jeremy Camp, and it never fails that my heart breaks every time I hear this song. I long so badly to live that day where there will be no more pain and no more tears, but I also know that each time I wake up to a new day, He has a purpose for me. So no matter how heavy my eyelids or my heart, I take that step out of bed hoping that it will be a new day. I know some days will be harder than others, some are going to hurt much more, and that it will take time. But that step brings a chance at purpose, a chance at life, a chance for my hope to keep pushing me forward so someone else may see. I may only be one person in this gigantic world, but it only takes a little bit of hope to soften the view of pain.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

2009-01-21T08:25:00.001-05:00

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!
-Psalm 43:5

The Psalms are quickly, truly, becoming my favorite book of the Bible.

Healing Verse

2009-01-17T15:28:00.002-05:00

I often found myself submersing my thoughts in poetry over the last half of 2008. I've always been fond of poetry and enjoyed reading it... trying dabbling in it myself, but it always seemed my own verse was so, for better terms, lame. For every ten poems only one has had a good amount of depth, and even then that one poem needs so much revision.
The more I read verse though, the more I find in it, and the more poems I come to love. My best friend sent me this one a few days ago... she said she has had the words weaving in and out of her mind for awhile now. This is the only version of it, and just the first draft. She wrote it about me and everything I went through. I never really looked at my situations in terms of this before, but I am absolutely crazy about this metaphor now. The second poem is one I wrote in response, kind of like a companion poem. Just my immediate thoughts, a very rough draft, but something I want to work on.

Phoenix
-V.T

The end.
And then slowly and full of grace
she rose from the
debris
of her former life.
We held our collective breath
and watched in hopeful fascination.
Silent tears fell
drawing rivers in the ash
on her face.
But on she moved gaining speed
and confidence.
The wind cleansing her body of the
gray,
revealing colors we could never imagine.
She stretched her wings
feeling parts of herself awaken from
their induced slumber.
We see the spark in her eyes return.
Soon she is in flight.
The epitome of resilience, she
soars
across the sky.
My phoenix has returned.

Beneath the Ashes

Troubled soul don’t lose
your way
Let your wings carve
into the sky.

Upon which direction you will
soar, let the wind
take you there.

He wrote you to say the destination has changed.
But when it is over, the rest of life has begun.

I cannot fathom what it will be like,
my path is lost, my wings cannot beat.

But the colors shine through the slips of the feathers.

The turquoise and the yellow
that cover the scarlet, painting, layering,
masking the ashen feathers that fall
so swiftly away.

It is in the quick burst of flames that all former ceases to exist.
And the new flight has begun.

5 Thoughts on a Friday

2009-01-16T08:12:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm going to try my usual Friday posts again.... I like the constant idea of these posts and sort of summing up my week/looking ahead to the weekend. So bare with me, I might have several this morning.

1. I have decided that it is way too early to be up and functioning already. I have an 8 o'clock class two days a week and the other three days I head to work because it's about the only time I can get hours at the office. Ask me about a year ago and I wouldn't have minded it, but for some reason, I just don't want to wake up until about 9 during the week. I guess it also doesn't help that for some reason I can't fall asleep before midnight so I'm only getting about 6 hours of sleep... and at my age with all my running, I really need more then that to function. Hopefully I start feeling the routine considering it's going to be like this for the next four months.

2. Tonight is my second collegiate track meet! It is the only "home" meet of indoor season, even though we are running at another college's facilities here in town. We just don't have a great indoor track. I'll be running the 800 m, different race than last meet, and I'm ranked 15 out of 20 with my submitted time. My hamstrings are a little sore today from the flexibility program we did in the weight room yesterday, but hopefully by 7:45 tonight I'll be awake and moving.

3. Classes are going well... quite wonderful actually. I don't mind my schedule too much, it isn't that back to back and most of the classes I am in are because I wanted to take them. Shakespeare is the only one I dread, probably because I have to take it against my own free will. I'm in two writing workshops (advanced... and I'm already getting ideas) and paradoxically I'm taking a class on War lit and another on Hope. All are very interesting so far and I've found I actually have time to read this semester during my day. I love it.

4. This semester already feels so different than any other year. I know I sort of projected that feeling in my last post, but so far it is going that way. Despite the tiredness, I feel more alert in my classes, like I care even more about what I am learning. I found myself taking a lot of things to heart this week, but also for the first time, not really worrying or stressing about all that has to be done. I even boldly spoke up in Shakespeare, twice, in one class. Now, I have always loved college and learning, but it feels like I'm starting all over again... maybe just because I have a sort of hope for after this semester.

5. Despite the fact that in five minutes time my legs completely freeze when I am outside, I love the snow. Campus is absolutely beautiful and on days like today where the sun shines, I'm just reminded of God's glory and beauty. It just brings a sort of hope for the day.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! Stay warm and find the beauty in the winter.

For the Glory....

2009-01-12T08:39:00.004-05:00

But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will run and not grow weary...

-Isaiah 40:31

I fell asleep last night dreading the morning, and I am a morning person! I love a new day, but today brings the start of a new semester. New classes, work, practice... pretty much me starting at 6 in the morning and not returning to my home until 6 at night again. Give me the time frame of about six weeks and I will be tired, and weary, and burnt out.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love school and learning, and running, and my jobs are pretty decent (though I was hoping to not have to work as much), but I believe it is the constant routine I get in where every day seems to be the same. I feel rushed and pushed to my limit and it never fails that about halfway through every semester I feel like giving up. Waking up this morning brought excitement at the new start but also dread at what is to come. A paradox. That is until I had a thought.
I was doing my morning devotional (after about a year of not doing one I found a book in the aisle calling to me last week and bought it. It's wonderful to spend time with Him over coffee again.) and this verse from Isaiah stuck out at me with the author's words: We are told in Isaiah 40:31 that we are to run and not grow weary. When I am weary, I think God is saying to me, 'Pick up the pace, and I will energize you with my Spirit.' When weariness overcomes you, let God be your running partner. He will be with you to run the race...and to not grow weary in the process.
This is EXACTLY why I have this verse tattooed on my foot. I love the idea that God wants to run with us and be our energy when we can no longer pace one foot in front of the other. I spent a little time contemplating my new semester and God spoke to me. I suddenly realized how new this semester is to me.
When I think about today, January 12th, I realize that about six months ago I didn't plan on being right where I am. My idea was to be graduated from college, married, and starting another type of life... but God gave me today. This day He wanted me here. Right here at school starting a new and my last semester of college. This spring semester, these classes I am taking, my jobs, running on the track team... are all part of the race God wanted me to run. I realized that looking at this new semester as something which will bring me weariness halfway through is not how I should be looking at things. As a runner that is not how you go into a race or even a run.
If I cross the starting line with the thought that halfway through a race I'm going to be done, I'll never finish...
And finishing is what it is all about. No matter the distance, time, or pain it takes to get there, finishing brings Him glory. And there is purpose in my day; to whatever or wherever it takes me, everything today and tomorrow if it comes, and the next, etc, is part of that purpose.

God has given me a new chance, a new race. He has repaired what I thought once fell apart but now see as being purposely broken. And in this new race, things will be different. This semester is not like any other semester I have attended because I am different. Life is different. It is a new day and time for everything to change. I am not the same.

After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

"The Glory of it All"
-David Crowder

The New Year: Day by Day

2009-01-10T10:46:00.007-05:00

I have never been very good at making New Year's Resolutions. Wait, I take that back. I'm very good at making resolutions, it's the following through part that I can't ever make. So... this year I'm doing something a little different. Since I've already failed yet again.

I took a run on New Year's Day and surprisingly, it was a great run. Nice sunny weather, not too cold and I felt strong. My movement was good. Halfway through my run my ipod died so I started thing and the most random, crazy thought popped into my head. Caitlin, you should run every day for the next year. Now, at the time it sounded great, probably because I was running and running well. I figured 365 days of running couldn't be that bad. I assumed I'd have a few bad days so on the off chance I didn't feel like running, I set a limit: at least 10 minutes of actual running because I know I can get a mile in less than that time, so 10 minutes a day minimum sounded great. Friday came and I ran again, another 3 miles down. Saturday came and I woke up sick. Go figure, right? So I headed to the gym and walked for a hour throwing in my ten minutes of running, a little sporadically, but still running. Then Sunday hit and I failed.

I don't get sick a lot, in fact, I haven't been sick in probably over a year, which is why now was the perfect time for it to hit. Right smack dab at the beginning of my new plans. So needless to say, in the first four days of the new year, I already failed at my resolution, but I'm ok with that... because I'm still running and that's what matters. Through the past year I've learned to understand that the plans in life sometimes don't work out... and we are all failures in a sense, but through God we can keep going. A lot of the things I want to do in life will never happen, but ultimately it is about striving for those things. To keep persevering, to make the most of the opportunity that comes my way. To set goals and try to reach them but understand that sometimes, my plans and goals are not what my Creator has for me. Most times He has a different path that I will reach in His timing, in His way. But somehow, always reaching them.
Which is why if I am able to run, no matter the pain I'm feeling or mindset that I don't want too, I probably will run. I may not make it for ten minutes everyday of this next coming year, in fact I know I won't because I've already missed a few and there will be more missed days. But it is those days when I am out striving to run when my goal is edged on by hope.

Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity.
-Colossians 4:5

So this year, 2009, is not going to be a year of resolutions and promises to myself, but instead, goals that I am going to strive for. Some fun, some serious, but all soul-strengthening and hope giving.

Keep running, no matter the pain or mind-set. My heart may not be into running right now, but it is the footsteps that will get me back to the place I need to be.
Get into an M.A. program. I'm slowly starting to find the peace that I'm searching for and quite possibly the path God wants me to be on. So I'm pursuing my writing in the small baby steps it takes to get there.
Feel settled where I am at and quit searching for the 'great place' I feel I should be breathing in. Sometimes I think I've been running from the plans God has had for me all along. If I would just stop and quietly listen, that peace I long for would consume me.
Take a great trip (or two or three) with friends this summer. I've already been talking with my best friend from high school and for years we've talked about road tripping... her husband will be deploying here in a month and so her and her son will be spending a lot of time with family. I just have this feeling that it's going to be a great time and even though we don't have major plans yet, I am really looking forward to it.
Read War and Peace. I have talked about it, spark noted it, read about it, but never actually read it. I want to conquer it this year, probably more of a summer goal.
Learn a language. If I make it into grad school, I'm going to have to take another year or two of a foreign language since I didn't get a B.A degree... so maybe if I brush up on French this summer or study Irish or Italian I could weave it into my language classes. Summer time is looking busy.
Go skydiving. I have been talking about doing this for years... I've mainly avoided it because of my fear of heights but since I conquered those this summer... it's time to do it. And I'm doing this one before I graduate in May.
Speaking of graduation, I'm applying to be commencement speaker. Probably a pretty scary goal, and random at that, but one of those why not moments.
Publish a book: my memoir or collection of essays. This is a work in progress.
Open my own coffee shop. Again, a work in progress... probably a long-term goal, but something I'm passionate about nonetheless. There's something about coffee, and loving people which draws me. Which is why I want to work towards it.

I look at this list and see pretty hefty goals and plans, and I know that there is a good chance some of these, or even all of these may never happen... but I believe it is in my striving to reach these goals and the strength I gain in the journey where God lies and where I will learn and grow. Where I will find hope in the new day.
It's about living in wisdom and making the most of every opportunity, whether gained or failed.
Because even if tomorrow never comes, I still have hope in the beauty of how God moves me in this day.

Hello 2009!

2009-01-01T06:35:00.003-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

It seems fairly unbelievable that 2009 is actually here, however, I have never been more ready for a new start, a new year, than I am today. I took a little time yesterday to look back over 2008 and think about what I went through. I could lie and say that I strongly feel 2009 is going to be a lot better, a happy and good year, and I think everything is going to work out. But like I said, that's probably a lie.
The truth is, 2009 is going to be just as hard as 2008. Not because I'm foreshadowing anything horrible, but I can't control the year. As much as I would like a wonderful year of happiness, I understand that there will probably be more heartbreak in a sense. Last year, these last six months in general, have been one of the most trying times of my life, but these past few months have really opened my eyes and my heart to God. In a sense, my faith is at it's weakest point but also at it's strongest. I say that because I'm learning to be vulnerable to God and in letting go of myself, I'm learning to let my faith lead my life.
At New Year's of last year I expected a wonderful year. I planned to travel to Ireland, graduate college, and plan my wedding. But halfway through 2008, my plans were shattered and life fell apart. Or so I thought. My fiance called off our wedding and I seemed to lose all direction in life. Everything I had figured out for this year was gone and I had no direction. But now, what I believe really happened was God spoke to me.
For so long Jeremiah 29:11 has been one of my favorite verses. 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' (NIV) It was that quintessential direction after I graduated high school and started "growing up" as I headed out into the college world. I've had it posted in my dorm rooms, on my apartment walls, and even jotted down on bookmarks, thinking that if I kept rereading it, life would be perfectly planned. However, what I didn't understand is that God's plans take time and trials. Just because He has plans for me doesn't mean it is going to be an easy road. He promises not to harm me, but that doesn't mean I won't hurt. Life is not perfectly planned, ever, and sometimes it is that hurt and not understanding which make us the strongest because in our weakness something brings us crawling back to Him, empty and vulnerable ready to be shaped.
I think I became so attached to this verse that in time, it lost meaning. I was reading it, but I wasn't understanding it, and with this change of plans God is calling me to find hope. I may not think life is perfectly planned, but to my Creator who never makes a mistake, life is. To me, a hiccup in my plans seems to interrupt my life, causing me to stumble around, but those hiccups are really what set me on His path. Because I have Him deeply rooted in my heart, there is something that sets me apart and keeps me going despite the sadness, anger, and trials. Hope is like peanut butter. If I chew on it, the hiccups slowly dwindle and I can breathe easy again. No matter how many times I get the hiccups, a spoonful of peanut butter never disappoints. It helps me breathe again. In my weakness and vulnerability, it is hope which brings me crawling back to Him and sets my path straight. Knowing God means knowing hope. Trials take time and sometimes there are many hiccups, but hope is always there, just like JIFF, waiting in the cupboard for me to seek it.
Jeremiah 29:11 is a wonderful verse, and something great to hang on your wall, but we have to remember what God says next: Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (v. 12-13 NIV). We cannot just sit down and let life happen. We cannot just plan and think things will work out perfectly. We have to seek Him out for every direction in life and understand that heartbreak, in many senses, will occur, but no matter how hard the trials seem, the peanut butter is always there. Hope does not disappoint us (Romans 5:5).

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-01T01:39:00.005-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!!! Wow, 2008 is finally over!! I'm so excited about this new year....and if my low key night-- playing some video games and spending time with friends-- is any hint for for the next year, then I'm ready for it. Time for loving and making moments count!

Me and the Lib

I hope everyone had a wonderful night!! Time to start on those resolutions....

The Last Day

2008-12-31T06:30:00.002-05:00

Today is the very last day of 2008 and I'm doing something drastic.

To ring in new beginnings, I'm cleaning up my blog and deleting some posts, so in case you have the itch to peruse through my past years or so, some writings might be missing. I honestly feel it's the only way to really, really start over. I can't change the past, nor would I want too because I would not be who I am today had life not happened as it had, but I'm letting go of some memories. I've heard before that time and experiences don't always matter, it's the memories that count and I like that idea. No matter what we do, we never truly lose our memories. They may fade with time and age, and each day it may be harder to grasp onto those wonderful times, but in memory, we can relive anything we want too, no matter the age.

But today, I'm ready to let some fade in order to make room for a year of more memories.

I challenge you to find something this past year you're holding onto and let it go. Let the empty space be made whole again.

EIU Friday Night Classic

2008-12-12T23:25:00.002-05:00

Pictures from my first collegiate track meet!!

I ran the 1000 m; my only competition--my two teammates! It was a great run and a wonderful way to end the semester.

Confession of a sinner

2008-12-02T09:53:00.005-05:00

I found a blog today that really spoke to me because I felt so connected and has caused me to write a post. I know I haven't been writing much lately, it just seems that when I get so busy or inadvertently stressed, my writing suffers, which in turn depresses me because writing has always been my outlet and part of my strength. I hate not being able to write when it is what I feel compelled to do.

My writing centers around my beautiful God, running, faith, and just my life. But for the past four months I've felt like all that has disappeared. I haven't been to church in a while, I can't find a church where I feel comfortable. I've found myself not reading my bible too often, and sometimes I can make it through a whole day only saying a few words to God. I run everyday, but its just running these days. Though my life is moving forward and I'm feeling happy again, I still feel like I'm just living a routine. I can't find my pace nor lose myself in my steps. And though it is there, my faith feels so broken.

Because I feel so broken.

I've gone through my blog from the past months and any onlooker would think I'm bipolar because my posts seem to shift from happy to sad to happy again, each day something different. I don't think bipolar is the case, but I do think my posts show the struggle I have and still am facing. When our lives are shaken, they are shaken and it's never an easy journey nor a fast one. Which is why I am nothing but honest in my writing, even if the only people who read this are strangers.

I am human and I am struggling, but the one thing I do hold onto is hope. I may feel weaker in my faith than I have ever felt before, I may be questioning, struggling, feeling uncomfortable, but I do know above all else that God is there and loves me, even if I can't feel him as strongly as I used too. I struggle with sin, with guilt, with understanding, and with accepting grace because I know that I do not deserve it. But then again, do we ever deserve anything in this life? Even this life? No... we don't, but I guess that is what grace is. However, knowing that I am a dirty, broken, ragamuffin sinner makes it hard sometimes.

Which is where this post comes in. I suppose I'm confessing but also looking for a new beginning. I very strongly feel that I need a new one and I want to find it. Not in anything of this world or things like that... but a new beginning in my faith. I know it's still going to be a long, hard journey but I have to search, I have to continue to hope that I can move forward.
So, considering I am stressed out of my mind because of the end of the semester wrap out... I'm taking a small hiatus from writing. I'm going to try to clear my head of school and hopefully during my break, come back with the beginning of my journey. I'll probably be revamping my blog again and my writing, but I want to write from my heart again. I want to feel compelled again. I want to heal.

And everything that hurts will be whole again
-Robbie Seay Band "Love Wins"

Being Thankful

2008-11-27T13:21:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I know I've been on hiatus for a little bit, life is just too busy, but it's time to pause, breathe, and reflect on the beauty in life. So, I challenge you all to do that today!

Eat a lot of turkey, spend time with your loved ones, and cherish each breath. (I know, cliche, but the truth!)

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Just a rough draft..

2008-11-20T14:22:00.003-05:00

There was a day when she sat
in the cafe looking
for hope in the dictionary.
For happiness in Bartlett's Quotations.
The pot drip,
drip,
dripping.

How she spent hours sipping coffee,
the sweetness relishing on her tongue
like that of a desire,
despite the scalding temperature.
If it hurts you, just breathe in
When it pains you, just believe in

Hope, which found her two weeks later.
Not in the power of words or
the taste of her coffee
but in the smile that makes everything disappear
when it breaks only for her.
And everything that hurts will be whole again

In the time it takes to brew.

Blah

2008-11-13T20:10:00.003-05:00

I haven't written anything in several days and I fear I'm reaching that point of the semester again....

The point where I'm so burnt out on school, and reading, and writing, that my brain is just so spacey every day of the week.
Somehow, I am going to fight this.

2008-11-08T23:35:00.002-05:00

I feel free again.

And it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Thoughts on a Friday

2008-11-07T14:30:00.004-05:00

Hello dear readers...what a wonderful Friday it is. It's gorgeously sunny outside and freakishly warm. Hard to believe it's November 7th! I'm just waiting for next week though when the snow will probably hit!

1. I have had a wonderful week, mostly because of the weather and my running is going strong. I found out a few days ago from the coach that all my hard work has paid off. I may still be slightly slower than the rest of the team (but my goal isn't to be a champion, just to finish!) HOWEVER, I found out I'll be running in the first meet of the indoor season! Which means I made the roster and am officially part of the team. I am so excited, I never thought I could be a NCAA Division ! athlete and now the prospect of running a 1000 m race (what they are thinking of putting me in) gives me another level of motivation to focus on. I'm not running past things anymore, I'm running towards something... and it's wonderful.
2. I'm contemplating quitting one of my jobs. I have planned on doing so for next semester (granted I get the loan money I'm expecting) but I almost can't wait. I just want to walk out right now and not come back. There's too much drama and gossip here. I'm starting to really hate the attitudes, mainly because they put me is such a crappy mood. If only I could afford life... Keep persevering, isn't that what I always tell myself? Not much longer...

Well, that's about what is on my mind today... besides being extremely smiley, I'm just enjoying my days right now, one at a time.

Have a wonderful weekend!

America

2008-11-05T07:59:00.002-05:00

Wow. I'm in no way surprised by yesterday's election results, I had the feeling our President-Elect would turn out to be who it is, but I'm in shock.
I'm curious.
I'm scared.

To have someone lead a country who has absolutely no experience.... Prayer should become our lifeline.

Near to You

2008-10-26T21:20:00.003-04:00

Just another song I find myself singing these days. I'm so addicted to music right now.

'near to you'
-A Fine Frenzy

he and I had something beautiful
but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
‘cause I knew he'd never love me back

such pain as this
shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
still a little bit delirious

near to you, I am healing
but it's taking so long
'cause though he's gone and you are wonderful
it's hard to move on
yet, I'm better near to you.

you and I have something different
and I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred,
but I am working oh so hard
to get back to who I used to be

he's disappearing, fading steadily
well, I'm so close to being yours,
won’t you stay with me, please

near to you, I am healing
but it's taking so long
'cause though he's gone
and you are wonderfulit’s hard to move on
yet, I'm better near to you

I only know that
I am better where you are
I only know that
I am better where you are
I only know that I belong
where you are

near to you, I am healing
but it's taking so long
'cause though he's gone
and you are wonderful
it’s hard to move on
yet, I'm better near to you

Sonnet

2008-10-26T21:01:00.004-04:00

My attempt at form poetry, a sonnet in particular... forced from the depths of my mind. The rhymes are a little off, but I didn't want them to be cheesy, I just go with the inspiration so I made my own rhyme scheme. And I had a nice inspiring image for this one.

Untitled Sonnet

He poured
the dark liquid into a pint letting it settle
halfway. The rings obscuring light from
how his words hung on the edge
of his lips. I could see how he wanted to utter
I was beautiful. The roughness of his beard shadowed
his strong jaw making those chocolate brown eyes drip in color.
The shyness evident in the hesitancy
of his voice however confidence brewed
like stout and worth drinking.
I wrapped my fingers around
the glass, pulling
it to my lips.
His eyes never left the Guinness, surprised at my attempt.

Thoughts on a Sunday

2008-10-26T10:46:00.005-04:00

I want to write so much right now... I have had such an amazing week, God has been so prevalent and so beautiful and I just don't know what to do except praise Him.
I'm trying to wrap my head around everything but to give the short version, I think I've found my heart again. Granted, I'm still healing and it's still going to take time, but God is molding it.

For the first time in awhile I realized that life isn't about me. I've been trying to fix my heart and praying and asking for it to be fixed, but when I let go of it and just do what He wants, which is to give my heart to others; to listen, to carry their burdens, and to love them, my heart heals.

I had this sudden epiphany yesterday for a class project. I actually wasn't going to do the project, I was going to lay back, cop out and do an analytical paper because I didn't want to mess with this huge project... but I think God has laid something on my heart when it comes to a certain group of people.

I'm not for sure how this is all going to work out, so I won't go into details yet, but there is something stirring in my heart and I cannot wait to see what happens. Between talking with a few friends lately, hearing and giving encouragement, and feeling my heart, I have this sudden vivacity for life again.

"Love"
-Chris Tomlin
[With Watoto Children's Choir]

When our hope is hard to find
And our faith is in decline
We need a cause to stand behind - love
We all want the way it feels
Time it comes and time it steals
What remains, what is real - love

There is love
There is forgiveness
There is love in times of need
When life is cold there is a promise
You will never go without
There is love...

It heals the sick
Comforts the weak
Breaks the proud
Raises the meek
In this life no guarantees

Love is the answer
Love will find a way
When we love one another
It's a brighter day

O-kwa-ga-la-kwe
Ku-singu-byoo-na
Bwe-taw-ga-la-na-o-lu-na-ku-lu-suu-fu

A running epiphany

2008-10-22T22:07:00.004-04:00

I've walked the valley of death's shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I've had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
-Stephen Curtis Chapman

I had a good day. My first good day in awhile but nonetheless, a good day. Last night would've found me caved over the bathroom sink, tears streaming down my face and chest heaving. I woke up with puffy eyes and tired, but I woke up. The morning found me alive again and I chose to embrace that.
Life tends to get me down at very, very random moments and it's hard to get back up sometimes. I often feel like my broken heart is never going to heal. As has been spoken of numerous times in my writing. I want to be whole again tomorrow but I know that isn't going to happen soon. It's going to take time, and a lot of time to get past this.
Because I realized today that this is in a sense a death I am grieving over. It isn't just a broken engagement but the death of all my plans and the future life I thought was in store for me. And just like the passing of a loved one, everything I saw for the next however many years has passed on.

I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm grieving, I'm lost, and I'm broken.

But I still have hope.

And if anything, if I lose even more than I can ever imagine I could lose, even if my emotions and brokenness get worse, I will still have my hope. Because everyday that the morning finds me alive, my heart and my insides are slowly being renewed and molded into something stronger and more beautiful than I can ever imagine. Because that's the glorious destiny my Creator has for me.

I had an epiphany while I was running today. I've been moved around so much this preseason with the other team runners because I'm just a walk-on looking for my place. This week I moved up to run with some of the cross country girls and even though I thought I was a distance runner, this running is hard. I am so exhausted and sore from the miles I've put in in three days. But I've done it. And I keep running.
Today we did a 36 minute fartlek run, (3 minutes hard core, 3 gentler run, 2 hard core, 2 gentler, 1, etc x3) and I couldn't keep up with the other girls. I was always last but I kept running, and they kept telling me good job for keeping up with them, even though I was behind. What I realized was that this is my first week running with them. My first week and here I am not with them, but close and continuing. And as the season progresses, this, running, will get easier.
My mother keeps telling me that as I go through my days my heart will heal. It will get easier to handle and someday I will accept what has happened and be able to embrace life again. For the first time I understood the concept that God will heal me. That He already is healing me, even if it isn't how I want to be healed. He is renewing me in His time continually giving me strength and grace through his pacing. Once again life is just like running. I have very hard days and my hearts hurts, but each time it gets a little less painful. This, life, will get easier.

And because of that I will continue to run with hope.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet
inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 
2 Corinthians 4:16

Vision

2008-10-20T06:50:00.002-04:00

It's earlier than normal for me to be up but I'm writing a paper... I've found I write so much better in the mornings than at night. However, I got to thinking and I've decided that I would still write much better if I was curled up in a big chair on the back porch of my house overlooking a lake with the mountains in the background.

I'm pretty sure that's where I'm going to end up someday. That's my writer's paradise.

Among the Ruins

2008-10-16T20:14:00.002-04:00

The absence of my functioning heart leaves me breathless, vomiting, and in ruins. The odd mixture of pain feels quite fitting as I look out over the River Boyne in County Meath, Ireland. On top of the Keep, I cannot get over the view that pans before my eyes—rolling hills in various shades of green, with stone walls slowly flowing in the distance. It sounds cliché but the postcard image exists before me and underneath me.
How I find beauty despite the anguish I do not know.
The rain from the morning finished when we ambled off the bus as if it had foreshadowed our tour of the castle. Now looking out I see vegetation more luscious in color than I’ll ever see at home in America. The green somehow emanating more deeply in color with every piece of foliage and upon every hill. Tranquility and stillness.
When I close my eyes I feel the breeze whisper across my cheeks, the smell of sheep and soil suddenly invading my nostrils. I gag slightly, but nothing compared to the morning I spent over the toilet. How ironic that filth would invade such a moment.
Opening my eyes I focus on more ruins in the distance. Pieces of once grand structures, their strong walls now suitable as piles of stones. I have a sudden feeling of fear when I glance out over the edge realizing how high I am, and in looking at the edifices reduced to ruins, the sudden onset of chest pain and breathlessness returns.

۩ ۩ ۩

The word ruins describe the remains of man-made architecture: structures that were once complete but which have fallen into a state of partial or complete disrepair due to lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction. Many ruins often become progressively neglected over time due to long-term weather and scavenging.
Trim Castle, located 28 miles northwest of Dublin in County Meath along the banks of the River Boyne, is one of the largest and most beautiful Anglo-Norman castle ruins in Ireland. It has the reputation as being the king of all Irish castles and was built to display the great wealth and dominance of its owners.
However, over time it was purposely allowed to deteriorate, falling into ruins.
During the 16^th century the castle was abandoned by Oliver Cromwell’s Army and allowed to depreciate. Over the next few hundred years its ownership passed from hand to hand never having as much purpose as it did originally. At one point it became the site for a municipal dump.
When beautiful things are neglected, they become trashed.
In 1993, Trim Castle estate was sold back to the country of Ireland and the Office of Public Works began a major program of conservation and exploratory works trying to restore the grand castle without changing the history and construction of it.
It’s hard rebuilding from the ground up.

I’ve been afraid of heights in my lifetime. I’ve been afraid of spiders. I’ve been afraid of snakes and public speaking. I’ve been afraid of flying and of the dark, but I’ve never been afraid of death. There has never been any reason to be scared of something so certain. What has pained me the most in this short brevity of life has been the idea of my heart shattered. Of it being broken into thousands of hopeless, inadequate pieces. Because once my heart has metaphorically faded, what will keep the rest of me from ruins?

“With what a deep devotedness of woe
I wept thy absence - o'er and o'er again
Thinking of thee, still thee, till thought grew pain,
And memory, like a drop that, night and day,
Falls cold and ceaseless, wore my heart away!”
-Thomas Moore

Now, what I fear the most is living and simply feeling nothing.

Most people with broken hearts experience symptoms manifesting through psychological pain, claiming to feel nothing; however, there are such symptoms of physical effects:

· Stomach ache and/or loss of appetite
· Partial or complete insomnia
· Anger
· Shock
· Nostalgia
· Apathy
· Loneliness
· Hopelessness
· Denial
· Fatigue
· The thousand-yard stare
· Frequent crying
· A feeling of complete emptiness
· A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack

However, the experience of great suffering and emotional pain is commonly regarded as indescribable, though a broken heart may occur.

۩ ۩ ۩

Stress cardiomyopathy is the sudden, temporary weakening of the myocardium, the muscle of the heart. Triggered by something very unexpected, such as the death of a loved one, this syndrome can actually be fatal. Clinically different from a heart attack, stress cardiomyopathy is known as ‘broken heart syndrome’ because to ordinary eyes, it seems as if people die from what appears to simply be a broken heart.
Most onsets of stress cardiomyopathy begin like a regular heart attack—the sudden onset of congestive heart failure or chest pain associated with EKG changes suggestive of an anterior wall heart attack. But what really happens with stress cardiomyopathy is that some people respond to abrupt, overwhelming emotional stress by releasing large amounts of catecholamines (specifically adrenalin and noradrenalin, also called epinephrine and norepinephrine) into the blood stream, along with their breakdown products and small proteins produced by an excited nervous system. These chemicals can be temporarily toxic to the heart, effectively stunning the muscle thus producing symptoms similar to a typical heart attack, including chest pain, fluid in the lungs, shortness of breath and heart failure.

In general, the lack of maintenance in life, or sometimes those deliberate acts of destruction force hearts into a ruin-like state.

“I kneel before you not as a prince, but as a man in love... But I would feel like a king if you, Danielle De Barbarac, would be my wife.”
Ever After

Though castles clearly exist and royalty once claimed them, there is no such hope for a happily-ever-after. The moment when he kneeled before me and took my hand remains in the back of my heart and replays itself over and over again in one of the tiny pieces that somehow continue to pump me with life. In the same breath in which he asked for my heart, he took it away when he firmly decided I wasn’t important to him anymore. Like most, I cannot explain the pain that still resides in the hollowness of my chest and continues to haunt me, words are inadequate and symptoms are indescribable. I simply feel nothing.
But for a brief moment I know what brokenness is. Crumbled on the ground of a 12^th century castle, I wrap my arms around my chest to hold everything in.

Thought on a Sunday

2008-10-12T17:17:00.002-04:00

Sorry my Friday post was missing dear readers.... I escaped for the weekend. Fall break here at school and needless to say, boy did I need the break!
I headed down to Lexington, KY with a friend and now that I'm back I'm headed off to work for the night. Amazing how life quickly returns after a getaway. (Expect a post and pictures here soon...)

But, I'm ready for life again. I feel relaxed and hopeful. For whatever this beautiful mistakes life can throw at me.

2008-10-06T23:37:00.002-04:00

I love it when the wonderfulness of a day can just be shattered, and then I'm the one left crying by myself as usual.

Sunday Night Football

2008-10-06T14:03:00.002-04:00

Last night was the best football game I've watched in a long time:
Sunday Night Football Steelers vs. Jags
I was on the edge of my seat the last quarter and
the best team dominated 26-21.

I must say, I'm quite proud of my boys. Pittsburgh made my week. I know it's just a silly football game to some, but for the past three years there's been a huge rivalry between the two teams. Steelers won the first year, and that Jags followed suit, beating us twice in one year, only to knock us out of the playoffs last year on our turf.
Not to mention this season's game was in Jacksonville. Their home turf.

And did I also mention that my ex is a huge fan?

Needless to say, the best team won and for some reason, I have a little more hope in my step. It wasn't just football for me, it was kind of like a metaphor on life. The best team won and now I feel like I can walk a little bit easier. I'm more happy because, well, in a way, I feel like I've won. Life feels more beautiful and I can't wait to see what's going to happen next.

Lit Flicks Challenge

2008-10-04T21:17:00.004-04:00

Well, I stumbled upon this great challenge the other day and even though the challenge is a month underway, I've decided to go for. It seems simple enough:

RULES
1. Challenge runs from September 1, 2008 to February 28, 2009.
2. Read 5 books/pieces of literature that have been made into movies.
3. Then watch at least 2 of the movie adaptations of the works you read.
4. Your list may change at any time and may include overlaps with other challenges.

So here are my choices.

Nights in Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer*
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Atonement by Ian McEwan
He's Just not that Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (This is a non-fiction/adice book but the film coming out in February looks amazing.) *

I'm choosing Twilight and He's Just not that Into You as my adaptations to watch, but I'll most likely view the others as well. I own Atonement as the movie adaptation, but I've never read the novel. I'd like to watch the MTV version of Wuthering Heights just to see what it's like, and I cried my eyes out last night watching Nights in Rodanthe. So in all I'll probably watch all of these if I keep them as my reading list. 5 months to go and 5 novels to read! This is a challenge I think I'll like.

Trying to figure out the weekend.

2008-10-04T17:34:00.003-04:00

What really sucks is how it never fails on the weekends that I'm not working, all my friends leave. Come next weekend, if I decide to head away, especially since it's fall break, they'll all be here. And then the circle will just continue as the weekends progress. I'm kind of dreading this moving away after I graduate... I'm not sure how well I'll make new friends.

I just see this vision of myself as an old maid somewhere....

Boredom is really setting in.

4 Thoughts on a Friday

2008-10-03T07:52:00.007-04:00

Friday.. .what a wonderful day. What would only make it better is if I could skip class, just run, and find a good book to read.

1. I've been blog browsing lately and I'm finding a lot of blogs dedicated to literature and book reviews and such. I just found one called The Bluestocking Society and she has a really cool challenge going on about books turned into movies. You read five books and then watch 2 or three adaptations of your choice. I'm a month behind on the challenge but I'm thinking about joining it. I need a good book to read and well, I've got a month for Christmas break this year so if I fall behind on reading (which I will because of school) I'll catch up then.

2. I also found this really interesting article today about dealing with a break-up. Actually, it's more so for a guy than a girl because guys don't ever want to read self-help books, but I found some insight in it. I know I'm a female but the advice was actually pretty good and it gave me a little bit of understanding on my current situation. I'm thinking about passing it on to a friend... The last piece of advice really hit me though. The "3 month light at the end of the tunnel" goal. I realized it'll be three months here shortly for me and I feel that's a good time to really move on. I'll give myself a few more weeks of random emotion but after that, there's no more reason too.

3. Last night was the first night I've slept well in a while. I only know this because I dreamed (one bad one, but one good one to balance) and dreaming means I've rested. I have a feeling it was because there was another heart beating in the room and that gave me comfort....I'm puppy sitting this weekend and the little guy, even if he has a tiny heart, made a difference. I usually hate small dogs but dang it, this one is cute. I'm slowly growing attached. We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes.

4. It's just another good day. The sun is shining and the morning has found me alive. That's all I can ask for.

Have a wonderful Friday everyone!

A Different Concept of Fall

2008-10-02T14:18:00.002-04:00

I don't know if it's the new hair color. Or the sun. Or the wonderfully, cool fall weather.
But I am happy.

Maybe it's just the simple fact that I'm alive and holding on and the day is beautiful.
But I feel like a new person and it's a good day.

This is quite the juxtaposition of my post from two days ago, I know, (and I swear I don't have bipolar disease, I'm just emotionally strained) but I woke up this morning realizing that I have a reason to be here,and that is simply to live in love. I have a wonderful family and even more wonderful friends. I am alive and well and yes, I'll make mistakes in my life, but no matter what people think or say, God still unfailingly loves me. And I have the chance of grace.

All I have to do is keep persevering and moving forward. I don't have to stress or worry or question, just earnestly seek.
I'm only asked to live in love.
It's really hard to grasp that very simple concept sometimes, but more often than not, it's the simple that explains everything.

Better end to a day

2008-10-01T23:50:00.005-04:00

Obviously my life is ridiculous and in trying to find out who I am, I'm up for a lot of spontaneity. Life is mostly random idea (within moral reason) and then act on it. At this point I can't afford to go sky-diving, and I probably, really shouldn't get another tattoo... just yet... so I decided to go brunette.

No more dumb blond jokes now.

I think I'm up to step 4 or 5 in reinventing oneself.
I really like it.

Oh, and I had field trials at track practice today. I threw the javelin and I'm thinking I might have found something else I like...

A Blanket of Leaves

2008-10-01T10:04:00.004-04:00

October 1st. I woke up this morning to the cool breeze blowing in through my screen and the sun slowly slipping in under the window shade. Fall is here and with it comes the slow dwindling of life outside. I fear it is taking my heart with it.

2 months and 11 days later. I'm alive. The morning has found me. Had you asked me that amount of time ago and I would have had no idea how I could get this far. I still don't quite understand what happened so many weeks ago, and when I think about my trip I still associate it with the break-up, but I'm slowly, very slowly, trying to get past that.

I've holed myself up in the library between classes to write and I'm sitting here staring out the window into the gorgeous day trying again to feel. I can see beauty and hold beauty (in the weight of a 7 month old, blue-eyed boy) yet I can't feel it. The only thing I still feel right now is my brokenness. I was listening to Daughtry's "Over You" on the car ride here today and I want so badly to feel that passionate about him. I know I'm moving forward and moving on, but I'm angry and bitter and having a hard time feeling everything else. It's so hard, especially in my faith, because I know God is present and He is working and moving, and the world is alive, but I just don't feel anything anymore. Not sadness, not joy, not happiness, not excitement (ok, sometimes I do feel all the good things) but sometimes I just don't feel anything. I just seem numb. I move through life thinking that the next day is going to be better, and oftentimes it is, but I'm so used to being an emotional person this nothingness is hard.
I know I'm moving on because I have determination and perseverance and I refuse to let him take anything, especially my future, from me. But, the old adage about a broken heart is beyond truthful. I have been shattered and I do not know how to get these pieces put back together.

I am not depressed but I am not totally happy either. I'm just in between. I'm alive but I want to feel again. I so badly want to feel again.

A blanket of leaves obscures my heart. I am unwhole.

Movement

2008-09-28T19:07:00.003-04:00

I stood on the front sidewalk watching my friends drive away from the shades of the Midwest. One slid into her car with a smile as she prepared for the drive back to school with her fiance, wedding dress in tow and plans conquered over the weekend. The other slipped into her rented mini-van, newly born son safely secured and husband next to her as they got ready to head south to visit more family.

I stood on the front sidewalk, by myself, wondering how things so dramtically changed. Not long ago, in this brevity of life, did we all three stand on that sidewalk, say goodbye and head off to college. All looking to determine our futures and find love. We found both. The ideas a little different than we had expected or dreamed about, but nonetheless happiness on our ends. And then life on my side changed. My happiness shattered and my future seemed to disappear. I can't lie and say this weekend was amazing and beautiful and great. Because even though it was all of those things, for me it wasn't.

My best friends are amazing people and I wish them nothing but the best happiness in the world. I'm so happy for them as one starts a new life as a mother and the other soon to be a wife. Seeing them smile brings tears to my eyes in such a paradoxical way. I'm happy for then, yet my heart breaks when I think about what could have been for me. I think about the wedding dress which will soon hang in the back of my closet, a skeleton of the joy it was supposed to be. I look at my new "nephew," his bright blue eyes and miraculous life and I wonder if there will ever be a newborn child for me. I ask about wedding planning, and motherhood, and future plans completely numb to the nothingness going on in my life. I respond to their questions of how I am the best way I can, talking about classes and running and ideas of what I'm thinking about doing. All the while thinking I have no idea what is ahead of me.

Seeing them this weekend, the three of us being together again, even at such different points in our lives, was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
It's just hard feeling so numb and alone and paused when life all around is moving forward.

Night alone at the movies...

2008-09-26T10:01:00.010-04:00

Two absolutely beautiful movies about love come out today and ironically enough, I want to see them. I just don't know if I can bring myself too. The trailors made me cry.

Fireproof

Nights in Rodanthe

3 Thoughts on a Friday

2008-09-26T07:57:00.002-04:00

Finally... Friday. An end to this looooooong week. Actually, it wasn't that long. A few days I felt like I had lost my head but a few others, such as yesterday, felt a week long in them self.

1. I can actually sleep in this weekend. I'm not sure if I will but I do have the chance. And I'm going to my parents' Saturday. AND I get to see my best friend, her husband, and her new son on Sunday. I cannot wait for that. After such an emotional week about babies I get to spend time with one and hopefully remember why I'm not ready for one yet. I'm still excited. I'll probably fall madly in love with him the minute I hold him.

2.I keep wondering what exactly it takes to get over someone. To move on, to move forward, to be able to see something that reminds you of them and not cry. To not hurt when you unexpectedly see that person or get a call or email from them. How do you fix you heart so that it doesn't shatter again every time that person comes around? How do you move on from years of love? D0es it happen suddenly or is it one of those long, drawn out processes that just slowly lets up everyday? I believe it's different for everybody but I don't think it's impossible. I have my bad days, as evident by my posts, but then I have days like today where I wonder if I even do love him anymore. I feel like today I can move on and maybe even prepare my heart to give away again, someday. I know that for me, all I need is a little hope, coffee, and running.

3. That's going to be the title of my memoir.

Have a beautiful day everyone! (ps... good luck with the wedding photography Jessi!)

Insomia is back...

2008-09-24T22:21:00.002-04:00

Oftentimes these days I feel pretty good, but then moments of overwhelming emotion hit me and I can't stand up, I can't breathe, and I can't seem to stop the tears from coming even if I try.

I just feel so broken and hurt and like I'm apt to screw up everything good that comes my way. I'm starting to understand how much of myself I gave up with my ex. I let go of my dreams, of me, and I sacrificed and changed how my life was going to turn out. Now I have no idea which direction to go.

I keep running and I keep writing and most times I find strength in who I am, but then there are moments when I am shattered and feel so rejected.

Disclaimer

2008-09-24T13:38:00.002-04:00

Just a short apology to my readers for a certain explicit word used in my "Clothed in Strength" post. I normally don't curse, I'm very adament about my language and watching my tongue... but when I wrote that piece I evoked certain emotions from the timeframe and unfortunately, it was the anger stage of grief (or so I'm thinking). I still feel like I'm going through that anger stage somewhat, just the way things happen, it hits me and I'm angry about the whole breakup. It's a long journey to heal but I'm running it, trying to make it through.

I just wanted to apologize and let everyone know that one little word doesn't define me. It just, defined the moment.

Revamp

2008-09-22T14:49:00.003-04:00

I'm currently working on revamping my blog design... give me some time. It's going to take awhile and it's going to be changing...

Just informing the world.

I'm really into pink right now. Ya'll know I love running. And lilies are my favorite flowers. So... hence the new design.

2008-09-22T07:40:00.005-04:00

I suppose it's time for a new day.

A new moment to start, a new moment to walk forward.

2008-09-21T23:00:00.002-04:00

Damn Army Wives made me bawl tonight.

And it wasn't about relationships... Joan had her baby girl, and the sight of her and the classic line about loving someone so much when you've just met, made me cry.
I teared up last night in a restaurant when I saw the most beautiful baby girl. She was probably only a few weeks old and her eyes were the biggest, deepest blue I've ever seen. She was beautiful and for a brief moment, I wanted her to be mine.

Three times this month I've cried, bawled over a child... what the hell is this weird, hormonal urge. I don't even want kids right now, yet the sight of a new born catches me off guard.

A moment's worth of pain.

2008-09-21T21:43:00.008-04:00

I'm apt this evening to believe that life doesn't get any easier as we move forward. I'm pretty sure it will never get any easier but I understand I have to keep going. I actually had a wonderful weekend. I went out with some friends on Thursday, spent more time with friends on Friday, had a wonderful coffee breakfast with an old friend Saturday morning, had a date Saturday night, threw a surprise party for him, and spent this afternoon at the gun range getting out some frustrations. Then, I opened my mouth.

I've kind of been seeing a new guy, a guy I happen to really like and enjoy spending time with. He makes me laugh a lot and smile, which is something new these days. His birthday was yesterday and I decided to be the person that I am and do something nice for him. Hence, the surprise party. Ironically enough, he's kind of going through the same situation as I am, a breakup at least... (that seems to be going around these parts these days.) And suddenly I feel like I'm causing problems. Unlike him, I have the fortune of distance on my hands in that I don't ever have to see my ex again or deal with him. This guy on the other hand does. And she hates me. Nothing new in my book. I just, I hate being the one in the middle. Causing more hurt and more problems. People have enough to deal with these days, why should I add to it? So I opened my mouth and said I'd remove myself from the picture for awhile so he could work things out. I don't understand how life can be so good some days and then suddenly, there's a change and I'm back in the paused stage. As if life isn't going anywhere.
I've been so good lately... things seem to be moving forward and I feel like I can enjoy life and take so much out of it. I don't have to stop and be somebody I don't want to be. I can laugh and I can smile and I can do things. And then, I can't anymore. My try to ease hurt, to help, doesn't
feel like I did.... and so now I'm left questioning again, and wondering, and feeling like I'm never going to heal.

The range was really fun this afternoon, I have wonderful friends. I feel like I let some things go and then, I brought them back again when I opened my mouth. It hurts and day to day I know it's going to be tough but I'll make it. It's the moment by moment I'm just not sure I can handle.

Untitled

2008-09-20T17:53:00.001-04:00

A new CNF piece I'm working on...

The houses pass by with silent motivation as she counts steps. Inhale, one two three, Exhale one two, Inhale one two three, Exhale one two. Every in and out breath is a different foot strike, keeping the impact of her body balanced. Less sustained injuries overtime. More even strikes to get rid of the pain now. She breathes just as silently as the houses, yet their looming speaks, pushing her onward. She’s braving her normal route, the boulevard full of ideal American houses, the road he drove numerous times with her while he designed their future in his head. The house coming up on her left, the one with the flag hung on the doorstep, reminds her of him. She takes another long stride and pushes her breath. Keep the pace steady. It’s just a flag, nothing says it has to belong to him. Run past it. The next house is a one story with blue shutters, just like he once painted for her. It’s a house, only a house. Don’t let your foot turn over. You can’t afford a rolled ankle for one distracting thought. Run past it. As her pace moves her down the boulevard she feels the breeze picking up some, fluttering the front of her pink running top. Only then does she realize her strength as a woman running. Run past it, she tells herself.

* * * * *

That pink running tank is an odd object compared to my childhood. Pink was an unpleasant color when I was younger. I absolutely loathed it. My mother must have been forewarned by the fates before I left her womb because my room had not one ounce of pink on any of the decorations. I’m almost sure that I came home in a yellow outfit. I don’t know if it is the fact that my mother wasn’t completely sure I was going to be a girl, or if the fates told her, or if she just hated pink as well, but the color didn’t come into my life until the time I dressed up as Rock Star Barbie for my 10th Halloween. Whatever the reason, I was absolutely against the color. I wouldn’t wear it, I wouldn’t color with it, I would hardly even eat bubble gun because the pink was so daunting.

Now as a runner, my most favorite possession is my hot pink sports bra. I can’t seem to buy enough girly pink running clothes. Somehow I’d like to think it’s some sort of a weird phase, that maybe I missed out on the whole idea of pink being a girl color. That I was deprived in my wardrobe as a child or neglected my femininity. But it’s none of those. Because when I walk into my closet in the early morning to dress myself for a run, I have options, but I also have enough pink to last me from laundry day to laundry day. So I pull out one of my many pink tanks and pull it on finding strength in myself for a six am run.

* * * * *

She tried running the day he told her he wanted to call off the wedding. When it initially happened, when she read the words in his email, her lungs stopped. It would be amazing if she could breathe steadily through a pace. But she knew she had too. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was away or if he really meant it, but at the time, running was all she could think about.
Pulling her pink jacket and running shoes out of his military suitcase he sent with her, she ambled down the stairs and out the front door. When the wind hit her face she found her breath. It was easier out here. One loop. That’s all you have to make it through. Don’t let him take this either. As she stands up from tying her shoe, the sun peeks out of the Irish clouds. A day forecast for rain yet somehow, there’s a brightness. She lets her feet slowly pick up and they thunk on the heavy asphalt. She knows she is holding back, moving too slow. Come on, you need this. He cannot take this from you. You are the one moving, pacing. Let the heaviness go. Run past it. She thinks to herself that it won’t be easy, life’s never easy, but she has to move forward. There’s a reason. The anger inside of her was building and she felt it propelling her strides. You’ve found your breath, your lungs are working, you’ve got this. Don’t let him take it. She picks up the pace and lets her strides pound away every ounce of love she once gave away.
Suddenly she thinks about what she is wearing— a fucking pink jacket because he hates it—and her strides lengthen, pushing her up the hill. When she’s done with the loop she vomits. This run changes her life.

* * * * *

Nike holds an annual marathon just for women every October. It is now in its fifth year. Twenty six point two miles of running on San Francisco’s hills and the registration is luck of the draw because it sells out so fast. It’s actually a lottery for women to run it. And they willingly gamble. People wonder why we would put ourselves through the torture of running so far, let alone pay to run. What is the point? Here are a few: Night before race expo with lots of free things and female geared products. Smoothies at aid stations on race day. Mile six has a chocolate booth. Mile twenty has massage tables. And in between those, woman can pick up Luna Bars and Luna Moons, energy products geared for us. Every woman who crosses the finish line gets a Tiffany & Co. designed finisher necklace, Nike’s idea of a finisher’s medal, placed around their neck by a firefighter.

Even without the perks the Nike Woman’s Marathon is an inspiration. It’s a race designed for her. This race takes the idea of a woman and combines that with strength. Something she will literally run away with after crossing that finish line. She doesn’t just run like a girl. She simply runs. Whether she’s wearing pink or not.

* * * * *

She plans to run October 18^th, 2009, — it’s one thing he’s given me— to prove that he didn’t take her future with him. The hills waiting for her on the golden California coast call and she envisions herself making it though mile five with a strong stride. Mile ten tired but still strong. Mile fifteen numb but moving forward. Mile twenty her breaking point. And then, like that day not far behind her, she remembers the sun breaching and mile 26 comes easily because she heard the race saying Come. Breathe, one two three. Run past it.

Thought on a Friday

2008-09-19T07:35:00.003-04:00

Despite the pressures of the world and everything else happening, it's going to be a good day.

I'm alive and God is present. It's a good day.

Stay Strong

2008-09-16T08:30:00.003-04:00

"Stay Strong"
-Newsboys

You're in the moment now
A bitter root
A wandering eye and then
The ties that bind start wearing thin, thin

You're in the moment now
When all you've been blessed with
Is not enough
Here's where the ground gets loose
Here's where the devils call your bluff

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
You've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

We've seen the tragic flaws
The tortured souls
The saints with feet of clay
Here's where sin becomes cliche'

We've come through wilderness and watched
The cloud by day
The burning sky into dawn
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you're on?

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
We've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Get up, there's further to go
Get up, there's more to be done
Get up, this witness is sure
Get up, this race can be won
This race can be won

We've gotta stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
Our Father's dawn will light our day, our day
Come on and stay strong
His grip is sure
And His patience still endures
There'll be no letting go today, no way

Come on, and stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Pull Me Out

2008-09-16T08:24:00.004-04:00

"Tell me now
When does this start feeling like I understand everything I'm dealing with
What about the way I said that made you turn around and shake your head like I don't even know what I'm asking for.....
But this could be all about just letting go
Or this could be all about just holding on

I can't get my feet off of the ground
I want to run but I don't know how
Can you reach down here and pull me out,
Can you pull me out"

-Bebo Norman

Starting over

2008-09-14T18:24:00.003-04:00

I knew one day the klutz that lives inside of me would turn on me. Today was that day. I haven't had a mishap in a while and I've been thinking life has been going ok until I woke up this morning to work on some poetry and I couldn't find the files.
Somehow, in all of my attempts in reinstall iTunes last weekend, I think I accidently deleted my documents.
All of my writing.
All of my undergraduate work.

Gone.

The funny thing is, it was all on my external harddrive so I wouldn't lose anything and yet, ironically, it wasn't even safe there.

I suppose the good thing in this is that I have a new chance to start over completely. Every writer loses their work at least once.
Only, I'm afraid the rest of my words have gone with it. I can't seem to find anything to write about for my next essay.

Neverending night

2008-09-07T00:38:00.003-04:00

I think my insomnia is back closely connected with the worst migraine in the world. Staring at the bright computer screen in the dark doesn't help but it almost seems better than lying in my bed for hours with my mind continuously going. I thought I was doing better.. I had a few good nights of sleep but for some reason I can't shut off tonight.

I blame him.

2008-09-05T21:27:00.001-04:00

I had a wonderful day.

That is all.

4 Thoughts on a Friday

2008-09-05T08:10:00.003-04:00

TGIF. That's my motto of the morning. I feel as if I have been running around all week...

1. Oh wait, I have. :) Track practice is killing me but it's such a good feeling. Oddly enough. I've heard rumors that today's workout is stadium stairs so that will be an experience. You know you have it bad when you look forward to the weekend because you don't have to practice... but you still plan on running. What is it with me?? Running is such a constant in my life right now and the pain and the pushing that I'm doing drives me. It's like, if I know I can make it through the pain and the not breathing and the cramping/vomiting and all that comes with a hard workout, then I really can make it through anything else in life. I just have to keep turning one foot over the other.

2. School is going really well. I'm enjoying this semester more than I've ever enjoyed school. Not overdoing it with school work and not worrying about constantly doing something, I'm more able to sit back and just enjoy what I'm learning. That is until I have to start cramming for the GRE's that will be heading my way soon.

3.I'm drinking coffee out of my W.B. Yeats mug that I picked up at the National Library of Ireland and it makes me want to go back so bad. I realized yesterday that I'd been back in the states for one whole month, and Ireland still feels like yesterday. Appropriately it rained here all day yesterday so in walking around with my green raincoat, I felt a tiny bit of Ireland around me.

4. And speaking of Ireland I watched P.S. I Love You last night. How I forget how much I love that movie. *sigh* Yes, that is one of happiness maybe because I know that love is still out there. I may have a broken heart but that doesn't mean it can't be fixed and feel again. It may even get hurt again but if I don't take a chance, I'll never know. There's a quote that ends with "love like you've never been hurt" and I've been thinking about that lately. Maybe that's why I keep going and maybe why I'm kind of dating again... if I don't take a chance and open my heart again, I'm not going to know the love or goodness that is out there. I'm not going to experience life because in my eyes life is love. It's what I'm called to do. I know that man's love may fail but God's never does. It's unfailing... and even if a man breaks my heart again God can fix it and show me something more. It's at least worth a chance in my book.

A Heart full of Questions

2008-09-03T20:12:00.006-04:00

Track practice kicked my butt tonight and I am beat... which isn't good because I still have homework to do, but for some reason I find myself writing. Not new. I think today is just one of those days where I need to write and let everything out. My heart hurts and I'm not sure what to do about it. I feel like this has been a good week. I'm getting into school and track practice is slowly getting easier. Running has been good for my soul. Being out on the track in the scorching heat and beating sun, letting everything out through my strides even if I'm in last place, feels like heaven. I know, most of you probably think this sounds like torture but at this point in my life, I need this. I need to beat myself down and break my soul. But today hurt. Not on the track but in my heart. I guess it's because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling and understanding in life right now. Some moments everything is fine and I'm putting one foot in front of the other.. .and other moments I'm so confused and emotionless and I feel like I'll never get it back.
I don't really know how to interact with people... am I supposed to be hurting? Am I supposed to be mourning, depressed, unsocial and focused on everything but my heart and love....or is it ok to move forward and feel a little? To have fun, enjoy life, make new friends, date, try new things, explore the future and enjoy the here and now? My mind is such a maze of questions tonight and I can't focus... I'm supposed to be reading but I can't get Tomlin out of my earphones which means I'm sitting here trying to write while also singing. So, I suppose I'll leave it at this tonight... just questions I needed to ask the world.

Everlasting God
-Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God You reign forever
Our hope, Our strong deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint, You won't grow weary

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God You reign forever
Our hope, Our strong deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint, You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Our God You reign forever
Our hope, Our strong deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint, You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

God, You are everlasting

3:00 on a Tuesday

2008-09-02T14:54:00.003-04:00

I hate the ends of three day weekends because it means I have to go back into the real world. Although the real world seems quite different these days.... surreal almost.

Just a thought.
Off to run....

Words Speak

2008-08-30T11:31:00.005-04:00

In everything that has happened over the last month it's hard to comprehend that it has only been about five weeks since my engagement has been broken off. Honestly, it feels like it has been six months already... not because I'm pining away for him but because I'm at a point in life where healing has started. I don't cry anymore (well, I actually haven't since that first week). I don't think about what 'could've been,' I'm not regretting the last three years of my life, and I'm already doing new things for myself. I'm moving forward. God really is my peace through strength because I know it's only in Him that this chaotic life can feel so peaceful in my heart. And He's the only one who can give me the strength to get up in the morning. I know each new day is another chance I have to find hope. To know hope and embrace it. I posted song lyrics last week, "almost lover" by A Fine Frenzy and I wish, I wish! I had written them... I found another one this week that's just been stuck in my head so I'm sharing.

hope for the hopeless
A Fine Frenzy

stitch in your knitted brow
and you don't know how
you're gonna get it out
crushed under heavy chest
trying to catch your breath
but it always beats you by a step,
all right now

making the best of it
playing the cards you get
you're not alone in this

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

cold in a summer breeze
yeah, you're shivering
on your bended knee
still, though your heart is sore
and the heavens pour
like a willow bending with the storm,
you'll make it

running against the wind
playing the cards you get
something is bound to give

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

there's hope for the hopeless
hope for the hopeless
there's hope

Maybe it's because I'm a writer and I love words that I can find the power in them. My high school English teacher (I love her!) emailed me this week with some poetry that I've found to have an affect on me, especially where I'm at right now. The poet's name is Dorothy Parker and she's known for her wit but I love her stuff. It makes me smile and says what I wish I could write. What I'm feeling. I posted "Healed" yesterday with the promise of more so here it is:

Finis
Dorothy Parker
Now it's over, and now it's done;
Why does everything look the same?
Just as bright, the unheeding sun, —
Can't it see that the parting came?
People hurry and work and swear,
Laugh and grumble and die and wed,
Ponder what they will eat and wear, —
Don't they know that our love is dead?

Just as busy, the crowded street;
Cars and wagons go rolling on,
Children chuckle, and lovers meet, —
Don't they know that our love is gone?
No one pauses to pay a tear;
None walks slow, for the love that's through, —
I might mention, my recent dear,
I've reverted to normal, too.

4 thoughts on a Friday

2008-08-29T19:30:00.002-04:00

What a Friday!! I'm hoping I can think straight enough to write out a few things but I am so beat from today.. and I still have a night ahead of me.

1. School is going well. I took a chance this week, tried out for the track team, and switched a few things around. I'm learning to do a few things for me in life and to enjoy whatever I can out of it. Which means, not sulking or doing everything just because I need too. No, I'm learning to step back and yes, still do a lot, but to bide my time well. I dropped Shakespeare (even though I'm liking it) to lighten my school load for once so I can concentrate on the important stuff. I'm going to be here for the spring so I can take it then. And enjoy then. I also cut back on work hours at the Le Club. As much as I love the gym life I had to let go a little bit. Now that I'm running track I really want to focus on that and just let everything else happen. So that's what I'm doing.

2. I survived my second day of practice tonight and I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!! We did three sets of 8 hill repeats and that was hard. I'm definitely not in as good of shape as I thought i was but I have the heart to keep going. My calves cramped horribly today which was just an addition to the Charlie horse I woke up with at 4 am this morning. I hate that feeling. Waking up to my calf so tight... I'm pretty sure I screamed because it hurt so bad so I can't imagine what my neighbors thought. I've got to get out and run some this weekend, do a little drills (I didn't miss those from high school days) and push myself. I don't know why I feel so compelled to run but I know that I have to focus on it, and it's great.

3. I've been reading a lot of poetry lately and having lots suggested to me and I can't get enough!! With all of them and my writing class... I'm finally feeling secure and confident in my writing too. It's amazing how God works and if we just listen, he'll reveal stuff in his time. Life feels so chaotic right now, but there's peace in my heart and that's what matter. Anyway, here's a favorite suggested to me this week

Healed
by Dorothy Parker

Oh, when I flung my heart away,
The year was at its fall.
I saw my dear, the other day,
Beside a flowering wall;
And this was all I had to say:
"I thought that he was tall!"

I'm going to have to find more of her stuff!

4. Oddly enough, I think that's all I have today.... life has pretty much been classes and track all week, and getting everything figured out. I work all weekend but I also know that when Monday rolls around, my semester is going to slow down. For the first time in my college life (it's never too late) I'm actually slowing down to just enjoy life. I understand that I don't have to do everything, or be the best at everything, or have everything at once. I just have to keep going one day at a time, one moment at a time and give it all my heart.

Believing in His steps

2008-08-28T18:45:00.002-04:00

I hurt. And for once, it isn't my heart.

Earlier this weekend, for example, Sunday, I decided on a whim to email the ISU track coach about tryout opportunities for the team. I know, crazy considering it's my senior year and I haven't run track for about, 4 or 5 years, let alone college track. He got back to me on Tuesday and said he'd love for me to run for the team. To make a long story short (because I'm starving and I have a million things to do before life calms down again) I ran around all week filling out paperwork, attending meetings, and today, yes today, running at practice.

I still can't believe it, although I'm sure it will hit me tomorrow when I wake up extremely sore, that I am going to be running for ISU. I'm a track runner again. I'm a athlete again but not only that, I'm a NCAA, Division 1 athlete. Two months ago my life was headed in a totally different direction and I was just running, but today, that plan is something I never would've believed if you'd told me years ago I'd be here. I asked Him to run and now, I'm not just running.

God can do the impossible, the unbelievable and I can't wait to see where he takes my feet.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."
-James 1:1-5

Finding a little bit of running

2008-08-26T17:12:00.006-04:00

Life is ridiculously wonderful sometimes... it's hard to believe that this isn't even close to what heaven is going to be like. That's sure what gets me through these days... knowing that someday I'll really be going home. Have I mentioned that my heaven is a huge track with perfect weather and lots of coffee stops???

Needless, I'm in a fairly good mood today but it's hard not to be when the sun is shining and I'm here. I made a choice this morning to wake up and be happy, and that's what happened. Enough with the mumbling around and worrying and stressing (although, I really haven't been doing much of that since I've been back from Ireland, life had been pretty good) I know I can find strength if all I do is ask. School is going great so far, I love my classes and I might have the opportunity to stay around for a little bit longer and enjoy some more knowledge, not to mention some awesome grad programs I'm checking out for writing. My friends are wonderful and I'm meeting a lot of new people this semester, it's great.. I love hanging out with people. If only I would've realized sooner it's ok to be social during the week! I'm also enjoying working at the gym because my co-workers are fun and the interaction with other people is great. Plus, it's my element. I'm getting back into my running schedule finally with a hopeful wish to do another half marathon in November, which feels wonderful, not to mention (and here's the big news for the day) I'm trying out for the track team!! That's right... I figure, it's better late than never!! I've got a few meetings and things this week so say your prayers and keep your fingers crossed! I haven't run on a team in years and I miss it terribly.... I think the only thing I regret in my life was quitting the team in high school to find a job, but, there are more open doors at everything just around the corner. God has plans for me and though they aren't always what I think they are, he always knows. As long as I trust, I'll find them. And until I do, it never hurts to try the opportunities.

I hope life is just as beautiful on your end...

Almost Lover

2008-08-22T20:44:00.000-04:00

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

- A Fine Frenzy

3.5 Thoughts on a Friday

2008-08-22T07:35:00.004-04:00

Here it is: my first Friday post of the semester, of my senior year at that.

1. I cannot fathom the idea that I'm a senior in college. I shouldn't be here.. it feels like yesterday was the day I started as a freshman, eyes opening to the world. Except that title belongs to my brother this year. I hope he is enjoying his first few days, it's amazing how much they really kind of set how the rest of the four years will go. I mean, depending on what things you get involved with right away, or don't get involved with, say a lot about you and direct you on the path you're to take. I haven't done a lot of "extra" activities or partying for that matter during my previous years, but I don't mind. I've enjoyed school so much, I've enjoyed learning, making new friends, trying new things, but most importantly, I've enjoyed how much I've changed and what kind of woman I'm becoming. I've always wondered if I should've applied at other schools and gone farther away, but I know without a doubt that I am meant to be here. And I know that without a doubt, where I'm supposed to go next will be revealed in time too. So, even though I have senioritus and I'm ready to be done, I'm not going to let the stress or "real world" syndrome part of that scare me out of my last year. I'm not worried about getting things done, taking the GRE, applying to a million grad schools or finding a job. I'm just going to keep moving forward day by day, doing a little bit at a time like, (slightly a different approach then what I normally take, but... that happens) and when I get that diploma, I'll head in the direction I'm supposed too.

2. The Olympics are almost over!!! I do not know how I'm going to handle that. Maybe I'm just going to have to train extra hard so I can be there in four years. I love turning on the tv at night and being able to leave it on one channel where I can watch or just listen. I suppose I'll end up finding something else to bide my time I think "The Biggest Loser" is starting again.... although, I am working several nights at the new job.

3. Which I LOVE! The gym is great... it's just a good atmosphere to be in and when I'm in the freshman one, it's pretty quiet at night so I get plenty of homework done.

3.5 Hmmm.... I thought I had some more things going on in my brain, but surprisingly, this is it! I'm just ready to start the day and see what happens.

Have a great Friday/weekend everyone!

One Art

2008-08-21T22:41:00.001-04:00

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

In a Whisper

2008-08-17T01:59:00.003-04:00

I heard this song for the first time about a week ago and I hated it. Now I can't get it off my radio, or off my internet stream, or out of my head. It just pops in when I least expect it. I've always loved Sanctus Real and their lyrics are so powerful... however I've been reading a lot of lyrics lately and listening to so much music, that I'm not finding what I'm looking for.

Today I finally realized when I really listen, God speaks. That's just what He doing. It's almost as if I heard this song for the first time today and understood how beautiful it is. How it explains everything I'm feeling right now. There is so much chaos in my life, but somehow, there really is peace. I feel it and I hear Him.
At 2 am in the morning He's speaking... and I'm choosing to listen.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) Lyrics
-Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

1 thought on a Friday (as brought to you by Saturday)

2008-08-16T12:05:00.008-04:00

I was laying in bed last night (not sleeping as usual) and I realized it was a Friday night and I hadn't made a post. My goal is to get back into my Friday thoughts but I'm not going to beat myself up if I miss one... I'll just give it later.
Here's my thought for yesterday:

"I want a tattoo."

I've been thinking about getting a second tattoo for awhile now, but I wasn't sure what I wanted or where I wanted it. Ok, I take that back - I've been wanting something running related but I couldn't decide if I wanted it on my calf, or my ankle, or my foot, or if maybe I should just get something small and pretty on my wrist. Well, due to other people's opinions, I haven't gotten one yet because certain people kept telling me one was enough. I can't help it though, once you get one you really do get addicted to it. So, on a whim, I just decided yesterday that yes, I am going to get one. I'm trying to throw my energy into life right now because I refuse to be depressed and miss out. Instead, I'm taking it all for what it's worth and moving forward very well from this heartbreak. I had a little savings left over after my trip so, what else did I have to do yesterday but head to Eternal Ink (a Christian tattoo parlor) and get myself inked.

Now, let me say one thing about this tattoo. I got the idea in Ireland when I really started thinking about my running, and after I noticed how my running changed after my fiance broke things off. I don't know, it's like I've found a new strength, not only in life, but in my running. God is good and for some reason, I just feel like I need to keep running. I mean, it is my passion (as evident by everything in my life), but I just feel like maybe, after all, I can use it somehow in life - whether by example, helping others to run, or even a career. So... I permanently gave myself a reminder to keep going. And it hurt like crazy!! I must be a sucker for pain because I chose my foot, already one of the most painful parts of the body to get tattooed, but, it's on the sides of my foot and wraps around the heel. Yeah, that was the worst part. At took a little over an hour but as he kept going, I just kept thinking I can do this. I didn't notice the pain after awhile, but when I did, I realized that the pain of my tattoo and even the pain in my running (when I really push myself) hurts so much more than my broken heart. Which means, if I can persevere and endure this kind of pain, then I can take on the pain of my broken heart knowing that someday, that will heal. Tattoo pain is strong but temporary. The art, the piece itself and what it stands for is forever. A broken heart is just painful, but it too is temporary. No matter how much I'm hurting right now, it will go away and I'll keep moving forward, one day never remembering the hurt. I might always connect this tattoo to my heartbreak, but not in the way most think. This piece is about God and running, and finding my strength in him. It's about healing.

A little spoonful of heaven in an otherwise heavenly day

2008-08-10T23:21:00.005-04:00

I finally found Espresso Chip Ice Cream!!!

It was a glorious night... I was slightly bored and so I do what I normally do when that mood hits. I went for a run. Since it happened to be a good one I decided ice cream for dinner was exactly what I needed afterwards. Not thinking too much about what I wanted I just journeyed to the store thinking the taste would strike when I saw the carton. I stood in front of the glass doors savoring exactly what I would bring home and there, on the very bottom shelf, was none other that Edy's Espresso Chip.
I'd stopped thinking about my craving for heavenly coffee ice cream recently and I knew a couple months ago that the minute I did I would find it. Or it would find me?? Don't you love it how things happen that way??

Now, maybe if I stop thinking about other things I need, they'll find me too.

On another note, I learned to ride a motorcycle today and it was amazing. Even though I put it in the ditch I've decided I will be getting one soon. I wonder if they come in pink??

Moment:

"Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me."

-Daughtry

6 Thoughts on a Friday

2008-08-08T09:51:00.003-04:00

I'm back and trying to get into my schedule again... I missed several weeks of this, BUT, I'm sure my other posts made up for it.

1. I'm still experiencing jet lag-- either that or I just can't sleep these days. I was up until, well, let's just say really early, so I only got a few hours of sleep but I feel great. Maybe my body is still just worn out, but it's acting weird. I did get some good research done last night though.

2. My best friend is possibly at this moment having a baby boy! I found out last night she went into the hospital so it could be anytime!! I can't wait to be an Aunt (by assosiation) but it's also so hard not being close to her. Stupid military bases... so far away from everything.

3. I start my last semester of undergrad ever in 12 days. I'm quite excited but terrified because everything I have to do for after now is going to sneak up on me. Grad school, and where, GRE's, finance... too much.

4. I'm STILL reading Breaking Dawn. Subconsciously, I think I'm trying to draw it out because I know once I'm done, it's over. I'm liking it a little better then I was at first, but I'm not quite as impressed as I thought I'd be.

5. The Olympics start today!!!!

6. This telling people about not getting married anymore is getting harder. I ran into some friends at the gym yesterday and I'm kind of dreading church on Sunday. It works well for a conversation killer.

ok... I'm breaking my odd trend but that's what I can focus on in my head right now. If I wrote everything, I'd be here forever.

Have a great day everyone!

Kissing Blarney

2008-08-07T23:35:00.004-04:00

I definitely was granted the gift of gab when I kissed the Blarney stone (or what I like to think of as the written gift of gab). I think I made a complete fool of myself today, sometimes, I just don't know when to quit talking... or writing for that matter.
Being embarrassed is a humbling experience though. I'm sure the blushing brings a nice color to my face.

You can take my heart, but not my words

2008-07-27T18:11:00.002-04:00

I'm entering my last week of life in Ireland, and though I should be ecstatic, I'm not. I won't go into detail, but it has been rough here for awhile. I wanted to let the world know in case I'm not writing (or if my writing takes on a different tone) the reasons why. My heart's been broken as well as my engagement. I can't do much right now but write from my emotions, yet I have a feeling I might also be silent for awhile. Until then, bear with me... I will write again, it's what I'm born to do.

Writing again

2008-07-25T08:32:00.005-04:00

Hello from Dublin!
Well, I'm on my last weekend here in the Emerald Isle and I must say I have enjoyed every bit of it so far (for updates on my adventures check out my travel blog). And, being in the only city in the world where it's ok to be a writer.... I've taken some liberties. And avoided doing my homework. Here's a little sampling of some much different work:

Needle and Thread

I stumbled and vomited what was left of my soul on the sidewalk.
In the middle of a new day there was
nothing but the sound of my convulsions and the scraping of my knees as they hit the foreign pavement.

I found myself on my knees again, this time praying to the porcelain God afraid I wouldn’t be able to praise with the right strength anywhere else. If I hold my arm right, it curves around my torso holding everything in that desires to heave.
But my alter doesn’t respond.

Let the morning find me alive for it’s all I can do to stand.

Today wasn’t a one time thing.
I fell down yesterday too, hooking my shoe on the stairs and falling to my knees.
The bruises reflect a humbleness I should be having
but instead remind me of what is bringing me there. A broken heart and questions.

I reach down to life my soul and then I remember it isn't like a shadow.
I cannot sew it back together.

Fallen Apple

The old stories used to be about how one day
He simply stopped holding her hand. Then
He stopped caring. Then
He stopped loving Her.

they used to hide under the table as if it would shut out the arguing, to help repress those memories from seeping into adulthood.

Over coffee the stories used to end with a worried moral: ‘I don’t ever want to be like that.”
Who was to know like father like son?

Untitled

My breath catches in my chest
suddenly reminding me of the time when the wind caught the screen door and ripped it off the hinges during the storm two and a half years ago.

What brought this on was seeing a photograph hanging in the studio window of a mother cradling her new born baby girl and suddenly the womanly, hormonal, urge to birth a child came over me juxtaposed with the thought that he’s turned off the switch and I’ll never be able to make a child on my own.

I stopped by a Rembrandt exhibit yesterday and the first etching I saw was entitled “Death Appears to a Wedded Couple” closely followed by “Adam and Eve.” Paradox. The possibility of incomprehension at his words impels me to imagine that I’m ok. And then I have to force life into my body. To force my breakfast down:
two stales pieces of toast,
a chocolate bar,
and bitter, watery coffee.

I threatened it to stay down thinking that the repugnancy of the bile in the back of my throat might help me stop believing in the beautiful.

But then I remember what it felt like when he kissed me with his soft, strong hands curving into my jaw.
And I taste it.

Banishing my mind

2008-07-08T04:22:00.005-04:00

Waking up this morning, I realized I was ready for the day to be over. How easy it would have been to roll over towards the window, curl the blanket up around my chin, and fall back asleep. As much as I didn't want too, I ended up in the shower and here I now sit at the library trying to keep my eyes open.

I've been so exhausted lately, which is probable considering that I'm in Ireland and I'm doing a million different things every day. It just feels like I'm having trouble resting and getting into the swing of the days. I'm not used to not having a routine, and though I quite like it, I feel like my mind is screaming at me. Telling me to make a routine and stick to it, instead of just going with the flow. Which is the purpose of the trip. Though it's hard, I'm refusing trying to make a routine because I want life, in these few short weeks, to just happen to me.

I'm also having trouble finding my running outlet. The weather is perfect enough to run in, when it isn't rainy or windy, but again, it was hard to tie my running shoes this morning and so I skipped it. I still feel a little odd today, like I do want the day to be over, which is really, when I think about it, a horrible feeling. It's just one of those days when I hate my hair, my clothes, etc...When life is already this short, why would I want to hurry up and miss out on the chance of a day? Who knows what could happen today, as long as I just let it. I have to keep my eyes wide and know that there is purpose, otherwise I wouldn't have woken up.

I'm not supposed to worry about what I'll wear or eat or drink because it's so trivial in this life, and I shouldn't be worrying about anything anyway. But, I think this is just my mind pulling at home a little. I miss everyone, but I think subconsciously, I miss stressing and worrying and having a nice little routine. How ridiculous am I? I had a small panic attack Friday night but I calmed myself out of it. Sometimes it's just hard to get a little alone time here and I think my mind needs it. But to subconsciously miss stressing and worrying? I really do need to center my mind and fix that. I don't want stress and worry to lead me to a shorter life. I want to enjoy it and be carefree.

I'm going to go grab some coffee and read a little, and hopefully breathe. I can't do my yoga much here but I'm finding out that breathing is coming easier to me and it really does center me. If the rain holds out I might also venture off a little bit tonight, just to get out and away.

I am learning though that life is so much better without worrying, and stress, and routine... as long as I just take time to breathe and open my eyes. It's just a fight with myself to get it all out of my mind.

Thought on a Friday

2008-07-04T01:24:00.002-04:00

I've got a one track mind this morning as I start my Friday.

1. I'm going to Galway!! It's my first full weekend in the country and the class as a whole is traveling to Galway to see some amazing sights. I believe today we'll be stopping at the Cliffs of Moher, look for pictures soon. I have a feeling I'll be running into a lot of sheep as well...

3 Thoughts on a Friday

2008-06-27T15:33:00.005-04:00

1. Ok, so I'm posting this actually on a Sunday but I'm backdating it for Friday. I realized in all of my excitement that I had forgotten to get my thoughts out. Excitement you ask? I mean, really... you couldn't tell that I have excited about going to Ireland at all, I really haven't mentioned it much. ha! But, that's what I was doing Friday, flying to Ireland.

2. The flight itself wasn't too bad, but it did seem long after the fact. And two days later, I'm still slightly feeling the jet lag. I watched about two movies, Riverdance, and some T.V shows on the flight. I couldn't sleep at all!

3. I'm now in Ireland! What more can I say? It's green, and wonderful, and amazing. Check out the travel blog for more.

Quebec National Day

2008-06-24T06:17:00.003-04:00

Well, today is one of those days where my klutzyness is abound in everything I do. But, I refuse to let it get to me, despite having problems breathing. I did something last night or while I was sleeping, but I woke up with my back muscles completely tight around my middle back. It feels like they are squeezing me and I'm having trouble taking deep breaths. It's not too painful, just kind of annoying.
Then I spilled my oatmeal all over the floor (before it was cooked thank you) and had to sweep all of that up. And I feel like I'm running late... but that could be because I'm writing instead of getting ready.

I'm not letting it get to me, which is new in my life. Usually I'd be grumpy and blah for the rest of the day, but being happy and learning to deal with little things is a choice. There's no reason I shouldn't choose to be happy when life around me is alive and beautiful. Sure, there are ups and downs and stressful situations, but those are only what we make of them. I once heard that true character is revealed in the middle of desperation (or something like that) and I really think it is true. When bad things happen (little or big) our heart shows. It is who we are in the face of adversity that sheds light to other people's eyes and opens their hearts.
So bring on the day, bring on the klutzyness, and bring on another crazy afternoon of work... My heart is ready to start talking. As soon as I get some coffee that is.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Have a beautiful day!

Love affair with a storybook character

2008-06-22T08:51:00.011-04:00

I had another Twilight-esque dream last night and I won't mind if they never stop. This one was very different than my last one; it's almost as if I'm taking Bella's dreams from the book and recreating them. I am rereading New Moon right now and I'm picking up on a lot of little things about Jacob that I didn't the first time through. I think I was just so anxious for Edward to show up again that I skimmed over Jacob. I let him into my heart in the third book and now that I'm reading this story again, I'm definitely torn. I love Edward for Bella, he makes her happy and she is everything to him. They are soul mates. But Jacob does something Edward can't do. He makes Bella warm. I've been paying more attention to her thoughts (I'm only 5 chapters in) but once she reconnects with Jacob she is a different person. He makes her happy and brings her laughter back, and when she is with him she immediately feels at peace. I know his werewolfism is what really makes her feel warm, but there's just a warmth about her personality when she is with him.
Where this is all going is back to my dream. It was more about Jacob than Edward this time. I'll write what I remember:
I don't know how I got here or what led to this part, but I was in the water under a huge metal bridge. Only the water was quite high because I was close to some of the underneath support beams. There were two people sitting on the beams, a male and female. Of course they were vampires--I'm thinking a Victoria/James relation here. All I remember is that the male was gorgeous and I wanted to be with him, but he wasn't Edward. He wanted to kill me and so had twisted my thoughts to him. Somehow, I snapped out of it and he flew down to the water to talk to me, kind of an evil, teasing kind of talk. For some reason they were waiting out my death--waiting for someone or something. I kept screaming for Jacob, sometimes I would call him a different name. I wanted him to rescue me. Everything was dark and dreary and I needed the sun he brought. After a long while, I got really scared because I didn't think he could hear me in the distant forest. I knew I was doomed and just gave in. I think that's what the vampires were waiting for, for me to give over and just drown. I whispered "I love Jacob, I forgive you," took one last breath and just tried to sink. I flickered my eyes open under water and there was the male vampire, staring at me with a little I've won" smirk. His eyes had changed to black, he was ready for me. I tried screaming (even though I was under water) and the next thing I knew, I saw a huge shadow pass over the top of the water, pressure from someone jumping in, and I was being pulled up and out of the water. I kind of got flung onto the road, but I didn't fall hard or get hurt. He was careful and it was a soft throw, compassionate. I remember hearing some growling noises and such, and I knew it was Jacob taking care of the other two. I curled into a ball and lay there on the street waiting for him. Finally, he came around the end of the bridge (in human form) and of course without a shirt. That didn't bother me at all. He was so tall and copper colored and gorgeous. He scooped me up, easily, and cradled me like a child. He ran his right hand through my wet hair kissing me on the forehead. I was immediately warm. I remember that feeling very strongly. I know what Bella must feel like to be in his presence because it was an amazing warmth of sun, of strength, security, and love.
"Why did you give up on me?" he asked.
"I didn't think you could hear me...I didn't want you to risk being hurt." (Typical Bella type answer...sacrificing myself for him)
"He shook his head, looked at me with such compassionate eyes and said,"I can hear you wherever I am and I would die to save you." Then he leaned his head down and met my lips. The first part of the kiss was beyond this world, literally the best thing I've ever felt, and I'm sure the second half would have been just as wonderful except that I can't remember anything else.

Sometimes I dream so vividly. But I'm glad it was a good dream. I have no reason not to love Jacob Black now and I'm very, very torn in Bella's love affair. I'm beginning to have one of my own with these characters and though I'm very excited for Breaking Dawn, I'm a little nervous about it too. I really want to like the ending to the book. I'm not sure if I want Bella with Edward or Jacob now, it's a tough choice, but I hope Stephenie Meyer makes the right one. You know the one when you're reading and all you can say is, 'it was supposed to happen like this...there was no other way.' I hope it will be worth waiting for, whoever Bella ends up with, otherwise, I'm going to write my own ending.

4thoughts on a Friday

2008-06-20T06:46:00.004-04:00

1. I am leaving for Ireland in one week. That's seven days. That's next Friday. Oh my gosh, I need to leave today. I don't think I can hang on for one more week. I still have to pack, but I'm afraid I'm going to let all of my emotions start to get to me. There's so many going on in my head right now I can't think straight.

2. Which is bad because I have another Chemistry test in 1 hour and 45 minutes. This week of learning made absolutely no sense to me. It's quite funny because we started to learn about organic chemistry and lots of different compounds, and in the process of creating compounds and writing them, you use a lot of letters. Now, as a word lover this should be right up my alley, right? WRONG. I have never seen a bunch of letters make such a jumbled mess in my life, especially when I start connecting them with little lines and they get bigger and more confusing as we go along. Wish me luck as I go study (which I WILL do more of this morning).

3. Back to Ireland (because I can't seem to get away) I definitely had a break down last night and I'm feeling the effects of this not sleeping business again. I am so excited to be leaving and for the opportunity, but I vomited up every little piece of stress possible last night. I don't understand how I have such a hard time relaxing and taking things easy. I'm a planner and I think it drives me crazy. I guess I feel like I have so much going on in the next six months that I'm trying to plan everything out (and even beyond that time frame) so I can have a nice little schedule of life and no stress...except all that stupid planning stresses me out MORE. I do mean what I said in my goodbye letter. I hope Ireland changes me and helps me embrace life for now and not six months down the road. I want to take life with the flow and stop planning and stressing. I think, I just need a forced time to do that.

4. The last episode I get to watch of Army Wives is on Sunday. I'm sad. I will miss my Sunday nights while I'm gone, BUT I'm taping while I'm away. I figure I even need to get away from that for awhile.

5. 42 days until Breaking Dawn. I'm buying it and attending a release party in Ireland if I can. :) I'll read the whole thing on the plane trip back probably.

A deployment of dirty clothes

2008-06-18T21:08:00.003-04:00

The bathtub was filled to the brim with bubbles, the scent of lavender hung in the air, and there was a little Debussy playing in the background. It was the first time in a while since I had cried.

***

Recently, I've been getting comments on my blogs from readers I've never met. Now, as a writer, that is wonderful news because this means my thoughts and ideas are out in the world, being read by other people. In turn, I've checked out the writings of my commentators and found a few more blogs to add to my list. Actually, it seems that I've found a few ladies that I can relate too very well in what I go through as a military lover.
Now I know there are women out there who date, marry, and love our military men... but I never saw myself as one in the beginning. Yet, here I am, about to marry a Marine, with a deployment under my belt, understanding that the future is very open to anything. Not a day goes by when I am ecstatic that my Marine is here on U.S. soil again, even if he is miles away from me. What I don't realize everyday is that there are still women who do not have the same luxury as me. Their lovers are miles and miles and miles away from them missing birthdays, the birth of their children, holidays, ordinary days, and days with their soulmates. So much I take for granted in my own life because I'm starting to forget what last year was like.
There is still a great possibility that he will get shipped out again, we won't ever have any certainty until his contract is up, and even then he could get called back out. There is a great chance that I will be living in Jacksonville, this time his wife, and yet alone in our bed because he's in the great sandbox. Though I pray we never have to go through that again, we might and I won't know until the day hits.
Against all odds, last year brought us even closer together--connecting our emotions in ways we never though possible. A deployment is hard... sometimes I don't know whether it is harder on the men serving, or the wives left at home. All I know is that I am leaving in shortly over a week and I can't handle it. I'm not getting deployed or charging into a dangerous situation. I'm leaving to learn and to relax and to have fun but I almost can't bear to leave knowing I won't be able to talk with him for five weeks.
Five weeks... so short in this life and yet he was gone for twelve months. Some men leave for fifteen, eighteen, and miss so much barely clearly hearing the voice of the one they love on a weekly basis, if they are lucky. As I prepare myself to leave, trying to buy last minute items and packing my bag, I wonder how he did it. When I last saw him in May he sent his huge digi's bag home with me to travel with. It was the same bag he lived out of for a year. At one point, his life was confined within the zippers and how did he ever know that when he pulled out a week-old dirty shirt, that it wouldn't be the last time he wore it? I'll be packing several pairs of shoes and enough clothes to last me probably the whole trip, knowing I'll have it all when I get back. He had a few of everything. Enough to last a week or until he could wash the dirty ones. What did he wear when everything was dirty?

I drew a lavender bath tonight to try and relax and probably to try and avoid the inevitable of my leaving. I've wanted to go to Ireland since I was a little girl, and now that the chance is here, I almost can't go because I can't bear to leave my best friend behind. How could he have left knowing he might now come back to see my face? Courage, strength, and love is what he dressed in when everything else failed. And that's what I have to do. I have to hold on to the hope that though life is short, I will be granted more, especially the chance to live when I get back. I have to keep walking forward. My opportunity to travel has been given because of my freedoms, the one he fights for. I just have to pack my own courage, strength, and love.

***

I know that some of you are going through a hard time, maybe a deployment, maybe getting to know one another again, maybe battling loneliness, moving on in life, or just searching. Whatever the feeling is in your life, take hold of the hope placed before you and maybe, just maybe draw a nice bubble bath. It's ok if the tears and the questions come because that helps us move forward. Without questions we wouldn't have anything to search for or to find. Without tears, we'd hold everything inside and wouldn't let go. We all face a deployment period in our life, you know that time when we feel like everything stops and everything is dirty? That's the time when hope is everything. That's the time when we can dress in nothing else. When all we have is courage, strength, and love.

World Traveler

2008-06-18T11:16:00.003-04:00

p.s... (from my letter). Since I'm going to be blogging while I'm gone, I decided it would be easier to keep everything in one place so I've created a travel blog. In case I go on hiatus from here, that's where I'll be for the next five weeks!

To Whom it May Concern- Letter from an Ireland bound girl

2008-06-17T20:38:00.003-04:00

Dearest Lover, Family, Friends, Faithful Readers of Mine, and the Rest of the World:

This letter is finding it's way onto my blog in order to inform you that I will be traveling to the Emerald Isle for a sabbatical in ten days. Ok, so in reality I'm studying abroad for the second half of my summer term but I like to think of it as a sabbatical and I'll explain more on why that is later. I want you to know that as much as I love every single one of you and hold you dear in my heart, I am planning on being slightly selfish and enjoying the future five weeks of my time in Ireland. I will be blogging as much as I can to keep you up to date on my adventures, but I wanted to let you all into my head before I left.

This letter is in no way to appear sarcastic, satirical, funny, hurtful, or anything but serious, loving, and informative. As most of you know (because I can't stop talking about it) I'm planning on studying abroad in Ireland come the month of July. Things have worked out so wonderfully with my graduating early that I am also able to fulfill my dream of traveling and studying some of my favorite literature and culture before I leave school. I am so very excited and thrilled to be doing this. The only problem is that it comes at a very transitory time of the year and it is only the beginning of my stresses. I know that right now there is a lot going on with each and every one of you, as is most days in this brevity we call life. We fall into the busy days and sometimes we don't give enough attention to the people or things that we should. It's hard to put our focus on just one thing sometimes and we become consumed with something, only to finish it out until the end leaving everything/one behind. At least I know I am capable of doing this.
I want you all to try and understand how much I love you and how much you mean to me. There is a myriad of things going on at this time in all of our lives and I am happy for each and every one of you, whatever direction you are heading in and whatever you are engaged in. If I seem a little preoccupied right now, or maybe as if I don't care, please, please, do not take it personally. I am just a mess of a lot of things right now myself. My mind is going in several different directions trying to get ready for my trip, trying to work super hard and graduate, and trying to plan my wedding. Not to mention moving, a new job in the fall, looking for a job after the fall, and trying to become a good wife. If that's not enough, trust me... my head is full.
Which is why Ireland couldn't come at a better time. I know several people have asked me if I'm really ready to go or if this is turning out to be the wrong time because of everything else I have to do and everything going on with all of you. Though my head feels like it can't take everything right now, especially something as wonderful as traveling, my heart tells me it is right. I want nothing more than to go to Ireland right now in this moment.
I am not a person who can relax and be calm for a long period of time. I stress very easily and usually for a long while. It is a flaw and a downfall. And I can always tell when I'm stressing because I can't pay attention and I stress and get angry at the most minuscule things. Which is why I need this. I hate to do it, but for once in my life, I have to be selfish. Sometimes I take "me time" but it's never really "me time" because I don't relax. I might read for a little bit or go exercise or watch a movie, but my mind is constantly going and worrying about something else; it's constantly moving right now about the fall and my future. Even with all the yoga I have been doing, I feel the stress in my shoulders. I carry everything there. I am tense in my traps and worried about the upcoming year and that is why I need to get away. I need time for me--to breathe, to enjoy, to relax, to get away from everything and everyone here. I need me back if I am ever going to move forward.
It pains me to do this because people (all of you) are important to me. Especially all that is going on in your lives! Even if you think I'm not that social, people are my life. You--my friends and family are so dear to me that I hate leaving you behind and I know I will be homesick because I will miss you terribly. But I have to do this. I've been given a wonderful opportunity that I'm embracing. I'm trying to let go of everything so I can enjoy it. That means no wedding planning, no thinking about school here, no thinking about moving or new jobs, and that means no friends or family and what you are doing.
Don't get me wrong, I will write you, just maybe not letters or emails. I plan to blog while I am there and keep you updated with pictures but I cannot promise anything. I most likely will not be making any phone calls because it costs too much and is a hassle I don't want to deal with. If I have time between classes and/or extra means to the internet between traveling I will email you, I promise that. But, if all I have time for is a blog, then a blog you will get. I'll let everyone know once I get there and that I'm safe, but please don't be hurt or upset if you don't personally hear from me for five weeks. You all will survive. I promise. I know I will.
I'm getting ready to enter into a different part of life here in a few months. I'll be a college graduate in the real world and a wife. It's what I like to look forward too as the start of my life. I love my life now, it is wonderful, I'm just going to be entering into a new phase. A new beginning. And before I even attempt to do that, I have to breathe and prepare myself.
I'm looking at Ireland as a sabbatical (sab·bat·i·cal –noun any extended period of leave from one's customary work, esp. for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc. -adjective bringing a period of rest.) because it is bringing a period of rest into my life. Though it is only a few short weeks, I hope to come back renewed, energized, and ready for whatever life brings at me. I hope this experience changes me and makes me even more faithful, open minded, adventurous, and laid back, but also brings more perseverance, determination, and fun into my life. I hope Ireland turns my mindset to being ready for anything and open to immediate opportunities, helps me understand I cannot always control things, banishes worry, let go of stress, challenges me, makes me take risks, and teaches me to go with the flow. I hope it renews my strength and dignity and helps me to laugh at the days to come. (Prov. 31:25)
Ireland will change me. I know this. Please understand this too: in order for me to change, I have to have me and no one/thing else. I have to focus on my life and what is happening in the moment as it happens. I have to let go of everything that everyone else is doing, and all of my planning and stressing for next year. I need these weeks to be me and Ireland, and nothing else.
I will be different when I get back but look forward to it with me.

Until June 27th when I fly out of this country, take everything I do with ease. My mind is very preoccupied right now and until I am in the Emerald Isle, I will be like this. I am excited, nervous, scared, worried, and stressed all at once. These are a lot of emotions for a small woman like me to handle running through my body. This is a HUGE dream I am accomplishing and something I have never done before and I cannot wait to tell you all about it.
I do care about everything involved in all of your lives, I love you with my heart... I just have to be selfish for a mere moment.

I love you all and I wish you the most wonderful few weeks.
I'll keep you all updated on my trip!

Caitlin

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
-Irish Saying

A lonely gal

2008-06-16T19:32:00.010-04:00

Army Wives is my savior. Not die on the cross for my sins kind of savior (that's already taken care of) but my lonely savior. In everything that I'm dealing with and all that I am missing, I am all of these women.
I think right now, as I'm counting down the days until Ireland (11) and my wedding (201), Sunday nights at 10 pm are what I live for. And currently, Mondays at 8. That's right friends I will be glued to my television again in a few short minutes to rewatch episode two. Have I mentioned before that I am so glad this season wasn't last summer's season? Trevor is in Iraq and episode two had me in tears yet again. Pamela (my second favorite Army gal) narrated the premiere, which I really like that feel. This season has also gotten a little more artsy and that only pulls at my emotions more. Anyway back to my thought on Trevor: last night's episode was narrated by him and Claudia Joy. His words are a letter to Roxy and I wanted to look over his shoulder the whole time. It's amazing how much I feel like I can relate to these people and how much it brings back all of my emotions from last summer. In a way that's good because it gets me writing. The military is my muse so the reason is justified.

Which brings me back to Army Wives and the emotions they go through when their husbands are gone. I sympathize. Roxy said last night that she "was lonelier married than she was single" and I totally feel that. I know my marine loves me, he even told me yesterday he'd give me the world if he could afford it, but I feel so much lonelier now than I was before I met him.

One more good thing about Army Wives is the music. I've started a playlist and I'm going to have to buy a few cds here shortly. I've found it's good music to write too (I visualize well). Here's some good ones to check out:

"Running Away" Midnight Hour
"Nowhere to Now-Here" The Kin
"Time" The Kin
"Embers" Young Galaxy

Off to the show... Enjoy your night everyone!

My heart drops into my stomach...

2008-06-14T09:49:00.007-04:00

Four U.S. troops killed in Afghan blast

Roadside bomb targeting police training seriously injures another soldier

MSNBC News Services

updated 37 minutes ago

KABUL, Afghanistan - Four American soldiers were killed by a roadside bomb Saturday in Afghanistan, the U.S. military said.

Lt. Col. David Johnson said the blast targeted a vehicle being used by U.S. personnel to help train the Afghan police. One U.S. soldier was also seriously wounded in the attack in western Farah province.

It was the deadliest attack against U.S. troops in the country this year, officials said.

Marines from the 2nd Battalion, 7th Regiment based in Twentynine Palms, California, arrived in Afghanistan earlier this year and were sent to southern and western Afghanistan to train police.

However, Johnson said he could not immediately confirm that the four personnel killed were Marines.

The bombing comes a day after Defense Secretary Robert Gates told his counterparts in Europe that for the first time, the monthly total of American and allied combat deaths in Afghanistan had exceeded the toll in Iraq during May.

The four deaths bring to at least 44 the number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan this year, according to an Associated Press count. No more than two U.S. personnel had been killed in any one attack in Afghanistan this year, according to the AP tally.

I think this is his BTO. I don't know all the lingo, so I can't be sure... but I'm still worried. They had a deployment in March and one of his good buddies went on his second tour. Coleman. He's supposed to stand beside him at our wedding when he gets back. I can only pray he's fine.

Running epiphonies

2008-06-14T08:59:00.002-04:00

Four miles this morning in 39:14. That's pretty good considering I haven't run in awhile and I felt like my lungs wanted to explode out of my chest the whole time. I forgot how hard it is to run in the hotter weather. I've been so used to training in the cool that running this summer has been a challenge for me. It isn't so much the heat, but how heavy the air is with moisture. It pushes against my chest and I feel like my lungs can't expand. Running on short breaths is hard. And I've even been doing well with my yoga to work on my breathing. (It's amazing how a few deep breaths can really relax you.)

I also had the epiphony that I need to write more. More of my creative stuff. I have trouble doing that too because I can never find the time to do it. When I finally have time, I feel like there's something else I should be doing. But I feel that with my writing, like running, I will lose it if I don't do it. I've got so much in my head from last summer alone that I want to write about (Sorry Lib, it's all military mushy love stuff) and if I don't write about it I'm going to forget it. I still remember everything as clear, especially my emotions, but I need to get it all down before it escapes me.
But for now, I'm going to go stretch, clean up, and shop. I haven't shopped in a while, nor do I usually, but I need stuff for Ireland. After all, I only have 13 more days.

Thoughts on a Friday the 13th

2008-06-13T07:30:00.003-04:00

1. As I write, I am currently holding my chemistry notebook in my hands for the studying I should be doing. Considering I have a test in 59 minutes, I would rather write. Hmmm, does that say much for my feelings about science? Oh Chemistry, How do I loathe thee... Let me count the ways...

2. Well, one for I don't understand it. Numbers swarm in my head and then when we have to figure out charges I still don't understand how if Flouride loses an electron it becomes positive?????

3. I'm going to quit counting, there's no reason to waste prefectly goof writing space on Chemistry.

4. It's raining again this morning. Quite appropriate for the day but I really wish it would stop. The flooding is getting ridiculous. Luckily, Terre Haute hasn't been quite as effected as say, Iowa, but we had some horrible flooding earlier in the week. A good friend of mine got married on Saturday only to realize they lost their apartment that afternoon. I'm almost ready to start digging a hole in the ground so the water has somewhere to go.

5. Only 49 days, 16 hours, and 25 minutes until Breaking Dawn. I'm still dreaming about Edward but that could be because I'm starting to reread the series. This really is a love affair. I should probably tell Wayne. Sometimes I feel like I am Bella though. I'm clumsy, just like her, only I don't put myself in the hospital. I don't know how she is going to make the choice between Edward and Jacob. Granted she already did choose, but I just have this feeling... All I know is I'm having a hard time choosing. I mean, I am in love with Edward. He's a wonderful character and Jacob really got on my nerves through the first book, I didn't give him the time of day( which he deserved) in book two because I was so busy waiting for Edward to come back, but in book three, I fell in love. He got to me. Maybe it's because he never wears a shirt?? (And I vividly picture everything I read.) I can't wait though for the release, until then, I'll keep dreaming.

6. I'm finally getting back into my yoga practice. It's been on and off for the past two years but I've been reading about it a lot lately for my health class and I've decided it's definitely something I need to practice and dedicate myself to everyday. Considering how easily I stress alone I need to make the time for it. After a solid week of doing it, I'm feeling wonderful.

7. I suppose I should get back to my studying. Blah.

Hope never disappears

2008-06-09T21:15:00.007-04:00

I just watched the first episode of Army Wives season two again. And I cried. Again. Lifetime was reshowing it so I had to tune in. I have a feeling this season is going to be so much better, but also full of more emotion. Most of the husbands are actually deployed this time and Trevor will be in Iraq. If this season had happened last summer, I would have been in pieces.
I watch Army Wives because I have a heart for soldiers and their families. And because I'm so proud of who they are.

It's so hard now...some days I can't stop the tears and everyday I surrender to the hurt in my heart. Breathing doesn't get any easier as long as I'm away but God knows myplans. And those plans hold nothing that will harm me Only that which will give me hope. I will unswervingly hold onto that hope knowing that someday God will do something beautiful.

Rain, rain go away...

2008-06-07T11:18:00.001-04:00

Finally, the sun has returned. I've been thinking that it somehow died. I just hope it lasts.

On a brighter note, the Army Wives Marathon began 19 minutes ago and season 2 starts tomorrow. I can't wait!!!

5 Thoughts on a Friday

2008-06-06T19:26:00.002-04:00

1. I cannot for the life of me get Edward Cullen out of my head. I dreamed about him last night as if I was Bella, but he said my name--Caitlin. He was my love and I felt every bit of him, even the cold touch of his body when he felt my heart. Let me set this straight for the confused souls, Edward is character in the latest book saga I'm addicted too, and what's even more crazy is he's a vampire. I picked up the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer last week and in the course of six days I'm already halfway through the third one. Twilight and New Moon were both amazing. Eclipse just keeps getting better, and though I am in love with Edward, I'm also starting to develop feelings for Jacob. I'm reading this one a little more slowly because I think I subconsciously realize I have to wait. There's nothing after this one for another 57 days. Only a nerd like me could understand my love affair with a character. It's a beautiful feeling.

2. So far this is the most boring summer of my existence. AND the worst part is that this could possibly be the last free summer of my life. I have to enter the real world here shortly and so, summer will become just a few more months in a year. Nothing special. I'm glad I'm going to Ireland in 21 days. It really can't come soon enough.

3. I really want to run. It has been pouring rain CONSTANTLY all week. Now, running in the rain is nice, especially in the heat, but this rain has been in the form of thunderstorms. I usually don't mind storms, though as a kid I was terrified, but this week has been kind of rough. I've been by myself a lot, living on the second floor of an apartment complex, and these storms have been bad! Terrible wind and just popping up from nowhere. I hope Ireland rain is not as scary.

4.My chem test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be today. Yay. I might pass after all.

5. I'm so bored I'm going to watch Cast Away. Maybe I won't feel as alone then.

Tightness in my chest

2008-06-04T14:54:00.003-04:00

I'm bored.
Completely.
I have to take science classes in the morning and then I sit in an office all day working. I finished the book I was reading today (New Moon) and now I need another one. I'm tired of being bored. I don't do bored well. As you can all tell by now.

Really. Summer can be such a great time but it feels so cluttered up by taking classes. I'm ready for the end of the month and my trip to Ireland. I know I will still be taking classes (and writing a lot of papers) but it's the fact that I won't be here that entices me. I'm the type of person that can't relax. Well, hardly relax. When I'm given the opportunity I automatically feel like there is something I am supposed to be doing or somewhere I need to go. Take for instance this past week. I go through my daily routine - class, work, then home for the night (at 4). I have roughly about 6 hours to relax and do whatever before I hit the sack and go to bed. Yet, I've had trouble staying in my apartment. It's like, I feel as if I need to GO somewhere, DO something, to have any affect on me. I did spend a lot of my evenings reading on my couch, but when I wasn't reading, I needed to be doing something else. I couldn't just turn on the T.V. and watch it or pop in a movie, or even hang out with a friend. I just et this tight feeling in my chest almost as if I can't breathe. When that happens, I have to get out.
In this crazy busy world that too often drags me down and stresses me out, how can I not embrace the opportunity I have to relax and sit down? How can I not breathe and enjoy the moment? I think back to last summer when I spent a few months in Florida. I didn't have any trouble relaxing. I don't know if that is because I could go to the beach everyday if I wanted (and the beach is my muse. My home. Part of my soul.) or if it was because I just felt myself there?
I don't feel myself here.
By that, I'm tired of the Midwest. I'm tired of the place I'm in. I want to be done, out, doing something different. It's so hard to relax here. Maybe it's because it feels like life has to be busy all the time. Like life IS busy all the time. There's no place to go to just sit and enjoy nature, to sit and relax. Matter is constantly moving here (ok, hyperbole but you get the point). It just feels like everyone and everything can't sit still. And that's where I fall into place.
I'm in a transitioning that I have been in for three years. It's called college life, but I'm at the point where I want to be done, out, vamoosed. I want a life. A real life with a husband and a house and a job. I just want to feel like I can breath again.

And I can't do that until I feel the salt on my face.

Hanging upside down

2008-06-02T19:35:00.004-04:00

Is it normal at my age to not know what I want to do for the rest of my life career wise? With my college graduation looming in the near distance, I have no idea what kind of job I want.
I chose my degree, English, because I like it. I enjoy reading, I enjoy literature, the classics, studying, and even on occasion writing an essay. Unfortunately, the only way I can use that to ever make money is to become a professor or teacher myself. Something I can't ever see me doing, but everyone else always could.
I'm not made to be a teacher, but to learn. I'm not made to explain, but to explore. I'm built to think, to soak knowledge up like a sponge. I'm an artist. I'm creative. I'm an old soul. I write.

Yet, these are the things that can't bring in a decent revenue to live off of. I'm trying and trying to think soundly and adultly so I can find a good job, yet nothing trapping me in a cubicle, an office, or behind a desk will make me happy unless it is in my own little office typing up my novel.
I have ideas. My mind is full and ready to explode, but I'm not in the right place. My muse is not the middle of Indiana and school keeps me so busy I can't seem to find hours to let my mind escape. I need sleep and so instead of staying up and writing, I keep it all in hoping that one day I can write it all out. It's hard. All I want to do is write and hopefully, hopefully get something published. Until then, I have to make amends.

I've thought about working in a bookstore again when I graduate, or maybe even Starbucks (my addictions you know.. I want to ENJOY my days). I mean, Starbucks does have benefits. There were once explained to me as "high school" jobs so I guess that's out. I've even dreamed of having my own bookstore or my own little coffee shop but what small town graduate has enough money to start her own business.
And what small town, middle of nowhere girl could ever be a published writer?
Running and working out is another love of mine so I've thought about taking the direction of personal training. At least I can make a decent living with that and hopefully enjoy what I do.

I just feel like I'm hanging upside down sometimes with nowhere to go but up. Only, I don't know which way is up.

Blessed

2008-05-30T19:01:00.001-04:00

I have the most wonderful familyI could never have asked for. I take them for granted sometimes and I debate about my moving away soon.

At least hopefully I'll have a good vacation house for when they want to visit. They can't resist the beach.

Thoughts on a Friday

2008-05-30T08:14:00.005-04:00

Fridays are good days. Everyone knows that. These are just a few, very random thoughts I have. There might be 1, 5, 9...but explore and see. Share your own if you like.

1. I wrote earlier this week how I felt like summer officially started, what with Memorial Day and all. Then I realized today that summer already feels over to me. I've had a great week just relaxing and doing absolutely nothing. I even laid off running this week just to give myself a break. I woke up this morning ready to run again but talked myself out of it seeing as how today was the last day I could "sleep in." (Seven today for those of you who know I can't.) I officially start my summer classes on Monday, and though I'm ready to be done with school, it won't be summer anymore because I'll be studying Chemistry.

2. Four weeks or 28 days and 10 hours from right now, I'll be leaving for Ireland.

3. I found the cutest coffee cups the other day and I'm dying to know where they are from. One of his military buddies got married this past weekend and his (now) wife has all of her shower pictures and such posted on Facebook. (I'm not stalking her, I met her and she is the nicest, sweetest thing.) One of her gifts was this set of a brown and white coffee mugs that say "I do! Me too!" They are adorable and I must find them.

4. I hope I never get breast cancer. I know we are all going to die of something, it's inevitable, but these days it seems as if cancer is everywhere, especially breast cancer. A good family friend went through a tough year last year fighting it, but she's doing wonderful now. I know that if it ever happens to me, it's for a reason and I'll get through it. I just hope I never do.

5. The last episode of Army Wives season 1 airs Sunday night. It's a repeat but I can't wait. It was a huge cliffhanger but had some of the sweetest, most tear jerking moments, of all season. I was informed this morning by my other Army Wives addictee (she actually IS an Army Wife) that Lifetime has declared next week Army Wives week and I'm pretty sure next Saturday is a full day marathon of all 13 episodes. I have a wedding to go too so I'll miss it, but that's ok. The season comes out on DVD the 10th. The life of loving a military man. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Snapshots of an Ordinary Woman

Retirement

My life today

Thought on a Friday

3 Thoughts on a Friday

A Note on the Change (did you notice it?)

I think I can make it....

4 Thoughts on a Friday

Catching Zzzz's

5 Thoughts on a Friday

A little word vomit...

CNF Memoir

3Thoughts on a Friday

Good News

Hating the Bard

3 Thoughts on a Friday

Toubled soul don't lose your way...

Healing Verse

5 Thoughts on a Friday

For the Glory....

The New Year: Day by Day

Hello 2009!

Happy New Year!!

The Last Day

EIU Friday Night Classic

Confession of a sinner

Being Thankful

Just a rough draft..

Blah

Thoughts on a Friday

America

Near to You

Sonnet

Thoughts on a Sunday

A running epiphany

Vision

Among the Ruins

Thought on a Sunday

Sunday Night Football

Lit Flicks Challenge

Trying to figure out the weekend.

4 Thoughts on a Friday

A Different Concept of Fall

Better end to a day

A Blanket of Leaves

Movement

Night alone at the movies...

3 Thoughts on a Friday

Insomia is back...

Disclaimer

Revamp

A moment's worth of pain.

Untitled

Thought on a Friday

Stay Strong

Pull Me Out

Starting over

Neverending night

4 Thoughts on a Friday

A Heart full of Questions

Everlasting God-Chris Tomlin

3:00 on a Tuesday

Words Speak

4 thoughts on a Friday

Believing in His steps

Finding a little bit of running

Almost Lover

3.5 Thoughts on a Friday

One Art

In a Whisper

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) Lyrics -Sanctus Real

1 thought on a Friday (as brought to you by Saturday)

A little spoonful of heaven in an otherwise heavenly day

6 Thoughts on a Friday

Kissing Blarney

You can take my heart, but not my words

Writing again

Banishing my mind

Thought on a Friday

3 Thoughts on a Friday

Everlasting God
-Chris Tomlin

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) Lyrics
-Sanctus Real